Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Goin' Postal



Latest headline from California: 'Ex-Postal Employee Kills Six, Then Herself'

Why do we continue to be deluded with incidents like this? What is it about working for the U.S. Postal Service that turns innocent citizens into Son of Sam wannabes? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

BLAH BLAH BLAH!


This week Stephen King is releasing his new book, called Cell. King's latest is based on his own fantasy (as well as mine) about the best thing that can happen to the incessant, mindless yakkers that are better known as cell phone users. On any given day, anyone who is talking on a cellphone becomes a victim of "The Pulse," a worldwide act of terrorism turns cellphone users into zombie-like, bloodthirsty "phone-crazies."

I say AMEN to this premise. I could go on all day about what pisses me off about cell phone users, but the one thing that stands out above all others is the annoyingly deafening volume at which countless squawkers feel is necessary in order for their dipshit counterpart on the other end to hear them. This is especially true in airports, where for some reason people feel the need to equal the dB level of the very planes that they're about to board. Hey emcee, do us all a favor and try using a normal speaking voice just one time while you're on your cell phone. I GUARANTEE you that the person on the other end can and will hear you. Thanks and fuck you very much.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I Say Beat 'em


Would someone please explain the concept of "time out" to me? I understand what it is, I just question the effectiveness of this "punishment". Whatever happened to the good old days when children got the crap beat out of them when they misbehaved? When I was growing up, I got spanked with whatever tool was available- a belt, brush, stick, wooden spoon or just the classic hand pop. These days, we coddle our kids entirely too much. As the prophet Bill Hicks once said, you're kids are NOT special.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Frullets


One trend I've noticed recently with high school and college aged guys (at least in this area) is the male bang or front mullet (frullet if you will) haircut. These guys will wear caps that either ride up with the bill so their hair is hanging across the front, or they'll wear their caps down real tight and then take them off to reveal a frontal "hair flip". Who in the hell started this craze and what the hell were they thinking? Do chicks actually go for this look? Hey guys- you look like imbeciles!

Am I just getting old?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Men Who Spit


What is it with men who feel the need to hock a loogie wherever and whenever they please? I can't tell you how many times I've been forced to witness this disgusting act- standing in a food line at an outdoor fair, leaning out a car at a stop light, even one guy at work who spits his dip in my garbage can. I'm tired of these macho lugheads who launch loogies from their mouth with a “kkkrrrwack—pttuu!”. Why can't they stick with traditional bad male habits like farting and belching? At least I don't have to worry about stepping in a fart, unless that individual draws mud of course...

Friday, January 13, 2006

Lock up the women and children...


Soon to be returning to your town - The Inlaws are saddling up again. Stay tuned for more details...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Requiem For Chuck


Last weekend Bama lost Chuck Davis, a senior and one of my all-time favorite Tide players, for the season. Basketball season is officially over.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Brokeback Mountain


I saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend and it was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I've had several male friends tell me that there's no way they'll be seeing it, no matter how good it is. Well guys, I don't know about you but I'm rather open-minded and comfortable with my sexuality. Grow some fucking balls. And to Larry Miller, the Utah theater chain owner who pulled the movie at the last minute even though he bought the film in good faith, promoted it and sold tickets to eager patrons- Go fuck yourself.

By the way, the poster you see above is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Dear Best Buy...


No, I don't want to give you my phone number. No, I don't have nor want a Best Buy Rewards card. And no, I don't want a subscription to Time, Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly magazine. I just want to pay for my shit and LEAVE!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Matt Whinart


So I'm sitting there on my couch taking in what I've just witnessed- one of the greatest college football games I've ever seen. Texas had just defeated USC in an epic Rose Bowl matchup in which (CLICHE ALERT) it really was a shame for either team to lose. Then Matt Leinart has to go and ruin it for himself and his team by saying to an ABC reporter, "I still think we have a better team- they just made the right plays when they had to."
Blah blah blah you fucking whiner. Your team was just beaten fair and square on the field of play, so shut up and deal with it. THEY beat YOU, so TEXAS is the better team.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

It's Bad!


Hats off to the Jamie Christensen and the Tide for the ugliest made field goal in the history of mankind.