Terror in the Aisles

Today I was at Sam's Club and was carting along minding my own business when I decided to try one of the food samples they were offering near the frozen meats. I approached the older lady who was serving General Tso's chicken and noticed that she had one piece left but was cooking a fresh batch. I reached for the toothpick holding the piece of chicken in place and the lady literally slapped my hand away and said "NO! You wait 'til your're served!" and tossed the piece of chicken into the garbage. I walked away shocked, not believing what had just happened. What the hell was her problem anyway? I promptly found a manager and reported her ass.

What has happened to customer service in this country? Is it just me or am I forced to deal with more and more rude people in the food/grocery industry? You don't have to kiss my ass, but expect to face the consequences when you treat the customer like shit.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 2

1. Decaf. What's the point?
2. Driving in the left lane. You have two choices: go or get out of the way. It's that simple.
3. Hip-hop.
4. Tom Waits. His voice is painful to listen to.
5. The green tea phenomenon.
6. Why most women have at least 15 hair and skin products in their showers.
7. Soccer.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 1

1. Women
2. Men who wear pink shirts
3. Men who wear visors anywhere but on a golf course (and even then it's somewhat questionable)
4. Women
5. Being an Auburn fan.
6. Being a Tennessee fan.
7. Reality television
8. Hunting for sport
9. Some men's fascination with those motorcycles with the high-pitched engines that weave past you at 150 mph on the interstate.
10. Women
11. People who enjoy the harmonica. It gets really old after about 5 minutes.
12. Bloody Mary's. I'm sorry- I just think the whole concept is disgusting.
13. People who laugh at loud while watching the Fandango/Movietickets.com commercials in movie theaters.
14. Men who wear madras shorts
15. Why/how it is possible for me take a shower, shave, get dressed and be ready to go out in less than 30 minutes but women take forfuckingever to shower, dry their hair, put on 7 different makeup appliances, pick out the right outfit, get dressed, check the makeup again for touch-ups, put on jewelry, etc. (this is a variation of #'s 1,4 and 10)

Poor Pluto

A recent decision by MIT spells out certain basic tests that celestial objects will have to meet before they can be considered for admission to the elite cosmic club of planetary inclusion. For now, membership will be restricted to the eight "classical" planets in the solar system: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

Much-maligned Pluto doesn't make the grade under the new rules for a planet: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit." Pluto is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune's.

SONOFABITCH!! All that time I wasted on those fucking planet mobiles I made in elementary school - I'll never get it back.

The End of an Era

Sadly, I found out today that The Booth, a Tuscaloosa landmark of 25 years, will be closing its doors in a few months. The Booth's owner said he was notified Thursday that the building had been sold and that he had until the end of November to vacate. Although a university spokesbitch denied the claim, it's rumored that the U of A is purchasing the building in their continuing plan of "cleaning up" The Strip.

I'm reminded of a story that I heard for the 100th time last night, and each time it gets better. My old band, The Inlaws (from which the photo you see of me in the top right corner was taken), were playing one night many years ago. There were some sorostitutes mingling outside debating amongst themselves whether or not to fork over the outrageous $2 cover charge. As we finished a song and my compatriot, M.P. Nelson, hovered over the doorway from stageright, he noticed these brainiacs outside.

"HEY! You goddamn carpetbaggers need to either come on in or take it up the street to the fuckin' Hound's Tooth!," he exclaimed over the microphone for all of University Boulevard to hear.

Needless to say, the girls stared at him in horror (from either being offeded or horrified-probably both) and walked away in disgust. It was truly a classic moment. I'm going to miss the sights, sounds and smells of that place.

No Mas!

I'm sorry that a child had to die as a result, but I've about had it with the JonBenet Ramsay story. The media has taken this story and run like the wind. I haven't talked to a single person who gives a turd about this anymore. There's just one aspect of this that I find remotely interesting, and that has to do with the alleged murderer, John Mark Karr. This guy is just plain freaky looking. Is it just me or does he look like a washed up 80's British pop star? Say for example, Kevin Rowland of Dexy's Midnight Runners? I rest my case. Incidentally, this is the gayest album cover of all time:

Not Very Sporty

According to authorities, Troy Lee Gentry, half of the country music duo Montgomery Gentry, has been charged with killing a tame bear and then making it look as if it was a hunting trophy. I'm not sure which one this is, but I think the one who wears the duster and wide-brimmed cowboy hat is a total tool.

According to an indictment unsealed this week, in October 2004 Gentry paid $4,650 to shoot the "trophy-caliber" bear named "Cubby" at the Minnesota Wildlife Connection in northern Minnesota, which advertises itself as a place where animals can be photographed in the wild.

WTF?

"Baby Fishmouth!"

R.I.P. Bruno Kirby.

Ashamed to be Caucasian, Part Deux

I went to see Steely Dan/Michael McDonald in Atlanta Monday night and it was a great show. But I'm going to have to revisit a subject I first touched on here. Once again, my fair-skinned brethren have let me down. For three hours, I was forced to endure the ritual of watching 50-something white men and women in all their collective glory. Honest to God, is there anything more pathetic than a bunch of over the hill white folks dancing like buffoons as if they were at their 40 year high school reunion? It's very sad. But what's more sad is the realization that I'm headed down that road myself. I feel like gettin' my groove on already...

And Leon's Getting Laaaaarger!

I think Coach Mikey has been spending a little too much time at Dreamland this summer.

Sea of Ass

A couple of weeks ago someone referred to a wedding reception party as a "sea of ass", and I had to agree with him. However, this past weekend I discovered groundzero for THE Sea of Ass- the NYC Chelsea/meatpacking district. A friend and me went to NY/NJ to visit another old buddy who lives in Jersey (30 miles outside of NYC) and he took us out on the town Friday and Saturday night.

I have no shame in admitting that we basically ended up as walking boners (I'm a dirty old man and proud of it.). At one point we spent about a half hour just standing on a street corner offering commentary/critique about everyone who walked by. As much as I dislike reality TV, I think we stumbled upon an interesting premise for one of these shows. Just the three of us in a 10 foot tall tower with headset microphones, commenting on the pedestrians walking by below us. I'm calling NBC today.