Happy Halloween!

From Jamie Lee, P.J. and Nancy.

Things I Don't Understand, Part IV

1. Running out of gas. I've seen an unusual number of folks lately who've been pouring gas into their cars on the side of the road. How does one let this happen? I realize gas prices are high but when the light comes on, go to a friggin' gas station.
2. Incense. I've never been able to tolerate the smell of incense. Does one need to be a dopesmoker to appreciate this pungent odor?
3. Bowties. I touched on this briefly once before and it's come to light again in recent days after a couple of females told me they consider this look to be "hot". I just don't get it. I still maintain that this is the single most nerdy look for a man. Maybe I just need for my maker to re-wire my brain. How do I do this? Do I need to kill myself immediately or can God do it while I'm asleep? Somebody please help.
4. The Mohawk. First caught on in the British and then west coast punk scene of the late 70's; went away for awhile; now I see guys shaving these classy shapes into their heads again. Good luck getting any type of job other than tattoo artist or club bouncer.
5. Buffet dawdlers. People, there are others waiting in line behind you to get their fucking food. Don't socialize with the person next to you; don't be picky for five minutes trying to decide what and how much you want. Just spoon the food on your plate and move on.
6. Incessant song requesters. If I say that I don't know the song (i.e. "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money), chances are I DON'T KNOW IT! Stop singing it to me and your tablemates at the top of your lungs after every song that I play. It ain't gonna happen.

Make Them Go Away

I've about had it with customized cell phone answer tones. You've heard them - when you call someone and instead of a dial tone you're bombarded with some loud cheesy rock song that immediately causes you to pull the phone away from your head. Why do people do this? It's bad enough to have to listen to crappy ring tones but what is the point of the answer tone? Whether it's Silverchair or Sweet Home Alabama, I don't want to hear it. People are getting much too cute and creative with their phones. Just let them ring normally and spare the rest of us please. Peace out my peeps!

I'm Still Giddy

I wish I could talk about something else but I can't seem to be able to move on just quite yet. Ah, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

It's Here

It's Tennessee week, and I'm nervous. Not because I fear the Vols. It's just hard to get used to the "process". The process requires patience, among other things, and I'm just not a patient person. Friday night, we (Jake Brake w/ Sweet Dog on drums) will be rocking Egan's Bar in Tuscaloosa. This is not a show to miss, considering that when we played the same Tennessee Eve show two years ago, I apparently drunkenly taunted a Tennessee fan who resembled Phil Fulmer by proclaiming, "HEY FAT PHIL - GO EAT A DOZEN CUM-GLAZED KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS YOU FAT FUCK!" (or something to that effect). TT + Alcohol + Microphone = Countless hours of listening pleasure!

Ryan Throws Another Tantrum

I went to see Ryan Adams last night, not quite knowing what to expect. You see, Ryan is notorious for throwing hissy fits onstage and acting like a fool in general. He's been known to throw objects as well as insults at the audience. He even once had security escort an audience member out of the building for having the audacity to shout out a request for "Summer Of '69", an obvious poke at his name. When I saw him at City Stages (our local music festival, if you want to call it that) two years ago, he played with the stage lights completely off the whole set, kicked his female bass player in the leg and condescendingly thumbed his nose to the crowd by saying, "It's great to be here, wherever I am." Then a few weeks ago in Minneapolis, he had a meltdown and left the stage prematurely due to sound issues.

Which brings us to last night's show. He and his band, The Cardinals, hit the stage around 8:20 and played a solid hour-long first set. They sounded great, the crowd responded with enthusiasm, and he responded with a workmanlike performance. The band took a 15 minute break and came back out to an audience who had by this time had downed a few cocktails. Now, Ryan is particularly anal about tuning and stops to tune his guitar after every song, resulting in a minute or so of awkward silence. As a result, the audience would grow restless and begin shouting out song requests. About four songs into the second set, you could tell he was starting to get annoyed by it. While the opening chords of "When The Stars Go Blue" started to ring out, he began berating the audience. "Do you guys do this everytime," he asked. "Do you do this at movie theaters? When you go watch Titanic, do you yell 'Don't crash' at the screen?" He stopped playing, changed guitars and launched into a different song, which obviously took his bandmates by surprise. As soon as the song was over, 5 songs and 15 minutes into the second set, he said, "Thanks Birmingham - you guys are wonderful" and walked off the stage with his band. Ten seconds later, the lights came on and a CD blared from the PA. Show over - no encore.

I like his music but this guy needs to ditch the petulant, spoiled brat attitude and grow up. On one hand, it was a bit amusing but on the other, it was incorrigibly childish. It's not like the crowd was yelling "FREE BIRD" or "YOU SUCK!" (although as paying customers, they would have been totally within their right to do so). They were simply yelling out requests for songs that they wanted to hear. On top of that, these were songs that he had written! I'd be flattered if I was him. Instead, he's just a whiny wannabe rock star.

UPDATE- I just talked to a friend of mine who talked to another mutual friend of ours who worked the show last night and he said the Ryan's crew was nervous all day that he might have a meltdown. Here are some tidbits:

1. The reason he came on late was because he was skateboarding outside. When he finally came back in, he handed the skateboard to my friend and said "Thank you for letting me skateboard in your city."

2. His manager reportedly became visibly and vocally nervous when the crowd started yelling out song requests. He told my friend that Ryan has to have a "handler" with him at all times to keep him from getting into situations.

3. I missed this but as soon as he exited the stage, he ripped his shirt off his body and threw it aside.

4. My favorite tidbit- apparently some disgruntled fans threw eggs at his bus with "You suck" written on them in black magic marker (where and how they obtained the eggs, I have no idea). He then sent his manager outside to calm everyone down.

5. Lastly, Ryan has a lifesize cardboard cutout of Big Bird that he takes with him on the road and he supposedly freaks out if he doesn't have it. Well guess what? He left it in his dressing room last night. My friend and his crew tacked it on the wall next to the stage.

WHAT A FUCKING HEADCASE!

Oh God, I've Become One Of Them

I used to smoke like a fiend - a carton a week all through my twenties. And, like Bill Hicks, I thought all non-smokers were pussies. However, after quitting cold turkey about eight years ago, I slowly shifted from tolerating smoking to being slightly annoyed by it. Now, I shamefully admit that I've moved over into the "disgusted by smoking" category. It's not so much the smokey bars that are the problem. I've performed in bars for twenty years and gotten used to it. No, it's smelling it away from bars that has finally pushed me over the edge. I had no idea just how much it reeked until I quit, which has finally led me to the conclusion that it is fucking gross. So smoke away my malodorous brethren. I'll never be "that guy" - the guy who tells you to quit (unless you're my brother).

Krystally Kool

I've been meaning to get this off my chest for awhile but has anyone seen these cheesy (no pun intended) Krystal commercials aimed and starring dorky college kids? For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, each commercial features a group of students who submit their own "Krystal Lover" testimonials that are filmed and shown with an air of faggotry I haven't seen since the infamous Mentos commercials. If this is a true representation of college life these days, then we're in a lot of trouble. The frat daddies and sorostitutes shown in these ads are total tools and for some reason mostly hail from the south. Now I admit that I was once a frat daddy myself, but I would've gotten my ass kicked up and down University Blvd. had I acted this queer. I love a drunken Krystal combo as much as the next person - I just hope I don't act that gay while I'm eating them.