This Week In Jazz Appreciation: J.J. Johnson

Known as one of the greatest jazz trombonists of all time, J.J. played with everybody from Charlie Parker in the 40's to Miles in the 50's and was still active in the mid-90's. He played proficiently with speed and ease while still able to knock out a beautiful tone. I just picked up his small group sessions from Mosaic Records, so I'll be busy for awhile. Not that any of you give a rat's ass.

Weather Morons

I'm sick and tired of these goons who forecast the weather on the local news stations. They are constantly freaking out the public whenever there is the slightest hint of severe weather. Last night, these yahoos warned everyone about a system that would be blowing through Alabama around mid-day today and compared it to the F-5 tornado weather we had several years ago. Sure enough, everyone panicked and schools began announcing closings at dawn today. By mid-morning, most schools were to close at noon. This of course affected all the local businesses because most people who have children had to leave work to go pick up and/or take care of their kids. While driving to lunch today, it was utter chaos on the roads with bumper to bumper traffic.

Well guess what? I'm currently sitting here at work at 4:41pm looking out my window and it's still SUNNY and 80 friggin' degrees! Meanwhile, everyone is wasting time sitting at home waiting for a storm that is indeed probably on its way, but about 10 hours past the time that they SWORE to everyone on television was going to be here by noon today. Thanks a lot fellas! Right on target as usual.

More Fun With Numbers

The re-make of the classic film The Omen (which I'm certain will suck) will open in theaters this summer on 6/6/06.

Fun With Numbers

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your normal life.

Turn Signals: A Lost Art

Remember the good old days when drivers were sensible and courteous to their fellow man? Neither do I. But I guarantee you the world would be a better place if we could all just agree to indicate our intentions to other drivers on the road. And the only way to do that, short of those dorky hand signals, is through the use of the turn signal. Apparently contrary to what many people realize, turn signals can be found in all standard motor vehicles. So let's all pitch in and do our part to avoid those pesky rear-enders. As that little elf Ben Lee once said, we're all in this together.

The Hawk

For a change of pace, today I'll be singing praise rather than slinging a rant. I picked up a CD reissue of Coleman Hawkins' "The Hawk Relaxes" the other day and have enjoyed it immensely. Coleman Hawkins was the man. There aren't many men who ever blew the tenor with such a beautiful tone. I wish it hadn't taken me 33 years to develop an appreciation for jazz. Better late than never I guess.

Time to join the rest of us.

Dear restaurant owner-

I believe it's time to do away with something that should've been taken care of years ago- the glass ketchup bottle. For years your patrons have been shaking, banging and beating these goddamn things in hopes of creating just a little pile of ketchup on our plates. Instead, we inevitably end up with bruised hands, stained shirts and bitchy attitudes. Guess what? Plastic squeeze bottles have been in use by the general public for years now. Don't tell me that the reason you stick with the dinosaur bottles is because they can be re-filled. The last time I checked, squeeze bottles have tops that unscrew. So do us all a favor and get rid of these damn things. Thank you.

John Q. Public

Let The Madness Begin...

Here are the candidates for the next "Real Men of Genius" Bud light ad. I'm sure these cool guys will continue to make us proud during the tournament. Here's to you Mark's Madness members!

I Still Don't Know How To Quit You.

Same Siders

Today I feel like going off on "same siders" at restaurants. You know these couples. They're the ones who can't stand the thought of dining three feet away from each other. They feel compelled to sit on the same side of the table or booth so they can cuddle while they eat. These are the same people who ride right up next to each other in pick-up trucks. Hell, they also probably saw the "Love Toilet" skit on SNL and thought it was a good idea. Please stop doing this- you're making the rest of nauseous while we're trying to eat.

Green Green Grass of Home

What the hell is the deal with painted grass? More and more nowadays, people are opting for this ludicrous remedy for lawn treatment. Personally, I think grass that is so obviously painted green is a lot uglier than brown grass. I realize the purpose of this colored assjuice is to fertilize and that the green dye is used as a cosmetic marker. Doesn't matter. It's still uglier 'n shit. That's all I have to say about that.

The Death Of Music, Part 4

Saw another shitty band on Letterman last night- She Wants Revenge. This waste of noise consisted of a black guy on guitar and lead vocals who literally "sang" the lyrics in monotone the whole song; some weird dude dressed in black with a red 'X' on his chest who was beating some keyboard pad with one drum stick (I have no idea what kind of sound it was supposed to be making); a lead guitar player who basically strummed muted strings for most of the "song"; and a drummer who could at least keep a beat, which is the only thing I heard that qualified as music, at least from a definitive standpoint. I just don't understand how or why bands like this continue to get exposure. And major labels wonder why they continue to lose money...

Thanks a lot Dave Matthews!

I must go off on something that has been bothering me for quite some time now, which is eponymous band names. I'm sick and tired of every other band being called "The (Insert Name Here) Band". It started with the Dave Matthews band and since then it seems like there are a thousand bands like this. What happened to creativity in this country? If you listen to these bands' music, it's obvious that this aforementioned creativity was lost on these particular acts, and not just in naming themselves. I saw two guys (yes, two of them) on a local TV morning show this morning called the Ben Nelson Band and guess what? They sucked. Just because you can put words to chords doesn't mean that you're entitled to spread aural air pollution. Can we please have a moratorium on this? I realize that some of these morons out there may have already killed millions of brain cells, but how about using what little cerebral function you have left to come up with a somewhat creative band name? Thanks.

My Valentine's Road Trip

I went to see Aimee Mann perform in Atlanta on Tuesday night and I had a couple of interesting incidents on the drive over and the drive back. First of all, I stopped off at an exit to grab a bite to eat and pulled into a Chik-Fil-A. The drive-thru line was out the ass, so I decided to park and go inside. I couldn't believe what I witnessed next. It was Valentine’s Dinner Night at Chik-Fil-A. They had closed off a whole section and had a hostess, candle-lit tables and two servers. And if taking your date to Chik-Fil-A isn’t cheap enough, they were offering two free desserts with the purchase of two combo meals. If you’re in high school or a senior citizen or just want to do something cute with your kids on V-Day, I can understand. But really ladies, how would you react if your man told you he was taking you to Chik-Fil-A for Valentine’s Day?

And for the capper: on the way home I made a pit stop for gas, a snack and to shake the proverbial dew off my lilly. I approached the restroom, I opened the door...and lo and behold there’s a large black man sitting on the shitter taking a dump while talking on his cell phone. It was a single toilet bathroom and the guy didn’t have the brains or the courtesy to lock the fucking door. The odor was so putrid it knocked me back like heat from a hot oven. Instead, he had to go and ruin my evening (as well as my appetite). Thanks chief.

Waaaaaaaaaahhh!!

I used to hate NASCAR. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to watch a bunch of cars drive in circles for three hours. Then some former bandmates gradually turned me onto it, and I was hooked. The last few years, however, I've becomed more and more disinterested in the sport. This is partly due to the new generation of young punk drivers (i.e. Kurt Busch) but mainly has to do with what has become the newest pastime for NASCAR drivers- complaining to the media about how unfair the rules are or unsafe it is for them to drive. I am sick and tired of listening to every driver bitch, moan and whine. In the old days, if one driver had a problem with another driver, they would just stalk them after the race and beat the shit out of them. I don't ever recall Bobby Allison or David Pearson crying about how they got bumped out of the race.

This past weekend, Tony Stewart complained about how something needs to be done about the tactic known as bump drafting before another driver gets killed.

"I was watching TV before we came down here and they were talking about the tribute to Dale Earnhardt," said Stewart, referring to the fact the legendary driver was killed five years ago in the 2001 Daytona 500. "Five years from now we're probably going to have to do another tribute to another driver because we're going to kill somebody. It could be me or Dale Earnhardt Jr. or anybody out there," said Stewart.

If it's not softening the bumpers or getting rid of restrictor plates, it's something else. Hey Tony and everyone else- how about putting your money where your mouth is? If it's so unsafe and you're so afraid of getting killed, then why don't you take a stand and refuse to race until NASCAR fixes the problem? Oh wait, of course you won't. Because you're The Home Depot's bitch. The sponsors own the drivers because the sponsors pay the millions of dollars it takes to put these cars on the track every week. Until you're willing to grow some balls and stand up for what you believe in, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.

Poor Fat Phil

Fat Phil Fulmer has shown his ass again. Yesterday he whined to the AP about how he had been lied to by several recruits after committing and then de-committing to Tennessee.

"There's guys that just lie to you -- flat lie to you," he said. "That goes back to upbringing."

Oh really Phillip? Kinda like coaches lie to players and their parents when they tell them that they'll be there to take care of their sons for four years only to flee to another school for more money? And Is Fulmer is trying to tell us that he's never continued to recruit a prospect after that prospect has committed to another school? Bullshit. And I find it interesting that Fulmer would blame this "problem" on upbringing when he's had countless disciplinary issues with many of his players in recent years.

"I don't begrudge anyone for not choosing our school. We're not going to get every recruit, but just be honest."

As honest as you are Phillip? As honest as you were during the whole Alabama NCAA investigation? Go phuck yourself Phillip.

Hey Visor Guy

I played a gig at a bar the other night and saw a dude wearing a visor. In a late night bar. And it wasn't the first time I've noticed one of these idiots. If you're hanging out at the club watering hole after playing a round of golf, fine. Granted, I'd never wear one at all. But the golf course is about the only place I'd consider it appropriate to wear on of these moronic pieces of head gear. But in a bar?!? How could wearing a visor possibly EVER look cool? Do women actually go for these guys or am I just way out of touch with society?

Unbelievable

Apple sued over hearing loss in iPod buyers
By DAN GOODIN, Associated Press Writer

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

An owner of Apple Computer Inc.'s iPod music player filed a federal lawsuit against the computer maker, claiming the device causes hearing loss in people who use it.

The portable music players are "inherently defective in design and are not sufficiently adorned with adequate warnings regarding the likelihood of hearing loss," according to the complaint, which seeks class action status. The suit, filed on behalf of John Kiel Patterson of Louisiana on Tuesday in U.S. District Court in San Jose, Calif., seeks compensation for unspecified plaintiffs' damages and upgrades that will make iPods safer.

Apple has sold more than 42 million of the devices since they went on sale in 2001, including 14 million in the fourth quarter last year. The devices can produce sounds of more than 115 decibels, a volume that can damage the hearing of a person exposed to the sound for more than 28 seconds per day, the complaint states.

Although the iPod is more popular than other types of portable music players, its ability to cause noise-induced hearing isn't any higher, experts said.

"We have numerous products in the marketplace that have the potential to damage hearing," said Deanna Meinke, a professor of audiology at the University of Northern Colorado. "The risk is there but the risk lies with the user and where they set the volume."

Apple spokeswoman Kristin Huguet declined to comment.

The Cupertino-based company ships a warning with each iPod that cautions "permanent hearing loss may occur if earphones or headphones are used at high volume."

Apple was forced to pull the iPod from store shelves in France and upgrade software on the device to limit sound to 100 decibels, but has not followed suit in the United States, according to the complaint. White headphones commonly referred to as ear buds, which ship with the iPod, also contribute to noise-induced hearing loss because they do not dilute the sound entering the ear and are closer to the ear canal than other sound sources, the complaint states.

Apple has also contributed to hearing loss in iPod users by including phrases such as "crank up the tunes" and "bring in the noise" in lesson manuals related to the device, according to the complaint.

Patterson bought an iPod in 2005, according to the complaint, which didn't say if he has suffered hearing loss as a result of using it. Attorneys for Patterson did not return phone calls seeking comment.

Goin' Postal

Latest headline from California: 'Ex-Postal Employee Kills Six, Then Herself'

Why do we continue to be deluded with incidents like this? What is it about working for the U.S. Postal Service that turns innocent citizens into Son of Sam wannabes? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

9/11/13 - 1/26/83

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

This week Stephen King is releasing his new book, called Cell. King's latest is based on his own fantasy (as well as mine) about the best thing that can happen to the incessant, mindless yakkers that are better known as cell phone users. On any given day, anyone who is talking on a cellphone becomes a victim of "The Pulse," a worldwide act of terrorism turns cellphone users into zombie-like, bloodthirsty "phone-crazies."

I say AMEN to this premise. I could go on all day about what pisses me off about cell phone users, but the one thing that stands out above all others is the annoyingly deafening volume at which countless squawkers feel is necessary in order for their dipshit counterpart on the other end to hear them. This is especially true in airports, where for some reason people feel the need to equal the dB level of the very planes that they're about to board. Hey emcee, do us all a favor and try using a normal speaking voice just one time while you're on your cell phone. I GUARANTEE you that the person on the other end can and will hear you. Thanks and fuck you very much.

I Say Beat 'em

Would someone please explain the concept of "time out" to me? I understand what it is, I just question the effectiveness of this "punishment". Whatever happened to the good old days when children got the crap beat out of them when they misbehaved? When I was growing up, I got spanked with whatever tool was available- a belt, brush, stick, wooden spoon or just the classic hand pop. These days, we coddle our kids entirely too much. As the prophet Bill Hicks once said, you're kids are NOT special.

Frullets

One trend I've noticed recently with high school and college aged guys (at least in this area) is the male bang or front mullet (frullet if you will) haircut. These guys will wear caps that either ride up with the bill so their hair is hanging across the front, or they'll wear their caps down real tight and then take them off to reveal a frontal "hair flip". Who in the hell started this craze and what the hell were they thinking? Do chicks actually go for this look? Hey guys- you look like imbeciles!

Am I just getting old?

Men Who Spit

What is it with men who feel the need to hock a loogie wherever and whenever they please? I can't tell you how many times I've been forced to witness this disgusting act- standing in a food line at an outdoor fair, leaning out a car at a stop light, even one guy at work who spits his dip in my garbage can. I'm tired of these macho lugheads who launch loogies from their mouth with a “kkkrrrwack—pttuu!”. Why can't they stick with traditional bad male habits like farting and belching? At least I don't have to worry about stepping in a fart, unless that individual draws mud of course...

Lock up the women and children...

Soon to be returning to your town - The Inlaws are saddling up again. Stay tuned for more details...

Requiem For Chuck

Last weekend Bama lost Chuck Davis, a senior and one of my all-time favorite Tide players, for the season. Basketball season is officially over.

Brokeback Mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend and it was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I've had several male friends tell me that there's no way they'll be seeing it, no matter how good it is. Well guys, I don't know about you but I'm rather open-minded and comfortable with my sexuality. Grow some fucking balls. And to Larry Miller, the Utah theater chain owner who pulled the movie at the last minute even though he bought the film in good faith, promoted it and sold tickets to eager patrons- Go fuck yourself.

By the way, the poster you see above is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Dear Best Buy...

No, I don't want to give you my phone number. No, I don't have nor want a Best Buy Rewards card. And no, I don't want a subscription to Time, Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly magazine. I just want to pay for my shit and LEAVE!

Matt Whinart

So I'm sitting there on my couch taking in what I've just witnessed- one of the greatest college football games I've ever seen. Texas had just defeated USC in an epic Rose Bowl matchup in which (CLICHE ALERT) it really was a shame for either team to lose. Then Matt Leinart has to go and ruin it for himself and his team by saying to an ABC reporter, "I still think we have a better team- they just made the right plays when they had to."
Blah blah blah you fucking whiner. Your team was just beaten fair and square on the field of play, so shut up and deal with it. THEY beat YOU, so TEXAS is the better team.

It's Bad!

Hats off to the Jamie Christensen and the Tide for the ugliest made field goal in the history of mankind.

Are These Really Necessary?

Could someone please explain to me why my taxes are paying for the police to drive around in SUV's? Yes I know, regular police cars guzzle gas too, like a cheap whore guzzles...well, you get the picture. If these guys were chasing Bo and Luke offroad through rough country terrain, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I live in the friggin' city and there is just just no need for these vehicles in my local police department. It makes about as much sense as my mother driving one (as a matter of fact she does, and we give her shit about it all the time). Stupid bastards.

No more for me, thanks.

Have you ever had one of these overzealous servers who feels it necessary to refill your damn glass every 45 seconds? Hey chief- I'll need a refill when it's gone, not after I've taken three sips. It takes painstaking detail to get just the right mixture of sweetner and/or lemon juice in a glass of tea or water. Don't these idiots realize that they're upsetting this delicate flavor balance with every pour? Go make yourself useful and mop the floor or re-adjust your flair buttons. Come on folks, use your heads!

Ashamed to be Caucasian, Part 1

I played a lame gig the other night and everything was going along as planned- it was beginning to wind down and it looked like we'd be getting out of there early. Then lo and behold, some bitch had to get out on the dance floor and start the electric slide.

"Do you guys know anything upbeat that we can to the electric slide to?" Lady, we're an acoustic act. Anyhow, she succeeded in recruiting enough folks to attempt to follow along with this banal party ritual.

What is it with white people that they feel the need to embarrass themselves on the dance floor? And don't get me started on country line dancing. First of all, as the prophet George Carlin once said, white people have no business dancing whatsoever. There's a reason why Auburn University offers a degree in Poultry Science- to keep white folks off the dance floor and tending to activities that better suit them. Fellow Caucasians, let's try to keep our collective eye on the ball. Mm'k?

Hell

Hell is where I live. It's also known as Hoover, the city in which I've lived for almost 7 years. This is a city whose government has continually raped its own land for the past 30 years in order to build endless commercial and residential developments in order to draw shoppers and residents to their area. In the process, the city has grown exponentially into a wasteland of excess. The largest mall in the state, The Riverchase Galleria, is located there and I just happen to live next to it. Galleria traffic has always been problematic during the holidays and this year has been by far the worst.

The city attempeted to alleviate the congestion problems several years ago by constructing a flyover off the main interstate with its own exit to the mall. The first Christmas after it was completed was actually quite calm in terms of traffic flow. I guess they decided that was entirely too efficient, so they built an outdoor shopping center right next to the Galleria called Patton Creek. And now they've screwed themselves and everyone else who has to drive near this mess on a daily basis. It is an absolute traffic nightmare. And it keeps getting worse with current and future developments as far as the eye can see down Highway 150. Serenity now! Calgon take me away!

Tebow or Not Tebow? That is the question.

How pathetic has my life become that my relative happiness and well-being is wholly dependant upon the decision of an 18 year-old kid living on the planet of Florida?

U R GAY

I hate personalized license plates. These miniature billboards contain messages that are: a) really stupid jokes or attempts at wordplay - i.e. JUST CRUZN; b) an attempt at some serious message that the rest of us could give two shits about - i.e. J DIED 4U; c) some inside humor that the other 100 million drivers don't get or don't care about. And the worst part is that these geniuses think they are being so incredibly clever when in fact they are guilty of pure, unadulterated faggotry. If you're one of the thousands of losers who fall into the category of vanity plate owner, please do me and everyone else a favor and kill yourself now. Thank you.

The Death Of Music, Part 3

Antony and The Johnsons - another weird and shitty band that I saw on TV. This guy/gal has some kind of transgender thing going and apparently doesn't like to be photographed. On this 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death, it perturbs me that we continue to be inundated with this kind of crap on the airwaves.

The Death Of Music, Part 2

Carlos Santana Fragrance for men and women. No other words are necessary.

The Death Of Music...

...I've seen it and it's name is James Blunt. I had never heard of this turdburglar until I saw him on SNL from the other night. Apparently he's the bomb in England right now. I've haven't heard lyrics that bad or a worse vocal delivery in a long time (at least since that Anita Bryant concert). How did this guy get signed or even considered for signing? His voice sounded like a cross between Dave Matthews and Ned Beatty's SQUEEEEEEEEAL. Maybe I'm officially old now but I just don't understand some of the music I'm hearing nowadays. Word.

Hey Kip!

Transportation Security Administration chief Kip Hawley is proposing to allow small scissors and tools back onto airliners and (SHOCK!) it's drawing strident opposition from flight attendants, families of victims of the Sept. 11 hijackings and lawmakers. The plan would allow airline passengers to carry scissors less than 4 inches long and wrenches and screwdrivers less than 7 inches long.

First of all- no one named Kip should wield any kind of authority whatsoever, unless they're running for president of the Saved By The Bell fan club. Secondly Kipster, how long do you think those box cutters were that the 9/11 hijackers used? That's right Kip, probably not very long. If you buy one at Home Depot and hold it next to your little pecker, you'll see that they can make them pretty small. You don't think they could inflict any harm with scissors or a screwdriver?

So we have to wait a little longer at the airport for security purposes. So we might have to go buy another set of nail clippers due to confiscation. That's a small price to pay for not dying on an airplane. Get to the airport earlier Skip. Or how about checking a bag once in awhile? And while you're at it, change you friggin' name! Where do you think Kip Tyner is now? That's right- still diggin' for mud in T-town.

I Didn't Realize He Knew 300 Words

Fulmer e-mails regret to Vols fans

Associated Press


KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Tennessee football coach Phillip Fulmer's acknowledgment that the 2005 season was "unacceptable" has been put in writing to the fans.

Fulmer wrote a 300-word letter that was e-mailed Tuesday to about 38,000 season ticket holders and other fans signed up to receive periodic newsletters from the athletic department through its Web site.

"This year was a disappointing season for everyone in the Tennessee family," wrote Fulmer, echoing what he's been saying on the radio and television and in speeches. "We started this season with great expectations and failed to live up to those expectations.

"I assure you that no one is happy about our season -- especially me, and I know that our fans deserve better than what we produced this year."

The letter was gleaned from 10 pages of notes from a speech Fulmer gave Monday to the Knoxville Quarterback Club. That speech also expressed his concern over finishing 5-6, the first losing record and lack of a bowl bid since 1988.

"Coach Fulmer was trying to find a way to communicate to fans," athletic department spokeswoman Tiffany Carpenter said Tuesday.

Fulmer wrote that he is taking an audit of the program.

"We grossly underachieved offensively, and special teams were erratic at best," he said. "No stone will be left unturned and no question left unanswered as to what went wrong."

On Monday, Fulmer took one step in what he hopes will turn around the program by introducing David Cutcliffe as offensive coordinator to replace Randy Sanders. Cutcliffe was on Tennessee's staff with Fulmer for 17 years and was offensive coordinator from 1993-98 before leaving to be head coach at Mississippi. He was fired at the end of last season.

Fulmer also fired two assistants, receivers coach Pat Washington and offensive line coach Jimmy Ray Stephens. Sanders resigned on Oct. 31.

I Hate Blue Cross/Blue Shield

I'm sick of this friggin' company, which bascially owns the state of Alabama (along with God). I mailed a prescription drug claim 11 days ago to a local address and the claim still isn't showing up when I check online. I called the customer disservice number and after sitting on hold for what can only be described as the equivalent of the time it takes to listen to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, I finally spoke to a swarmy gent by the name of Patrick. He proceeded to inform me that there's really no way to know whether they received my claim or not and that maybe I should try faxing it. Thanks Patrick. You're A-Number One in my book. Prick.

Happy Turkey Day.

Hope everyone has a swell holiday and eats lots of good ol' dead animal flesh. Mmm.

Fantastic Finish!

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide football team for such a marvelous performance on Saturday. Seriously, I've been watching football closely for 30 years and that is THE worst game by an offensive line that I have ever seen.

Enough Already!

The other day I walked into a local Bruno's supermarket and stopped dead in my tracks. They were playing Christmas music over the PA. I immediately glanced at my watch and the date was November 15th. NOVEMBER 15TH! Why is it that we are continuously subjected to Christmas music earlier and earlier every year? Don't tell me it's just my imagination or that it's the same way it's always been- that's B.S. I shouldn't have to hear one single note until after Thanksgiving. And it really shouldn't be until December 1st, but I can live with those few days in between. Isn't there something that can be done about this? Can't we alert our Congressmen to this travesty? God knows they're not doing anything else constructive with our tax money.

Joy

Every so often I sit back and assess the greatest moments of my life and each time there is one that sticks out above all others. And this week just happens to be the 20th anniversary of that moment. I'm talking about, of course, "The Kick". Twenty years ago this week, Van Tiffin nailed a 52 yard field goal that drove a stake into the heart of the infidels (Auburn) as time expired. I was there at Legion Field in the opposite end zone with my buddy Brent, and we had just endured three hours of relentless orange and blue shakers in our faces from all the Aubbie rednecks that surrounded us.

Having never been married, I've never had the experience of finding the perfect mate and joining her in eternal matrimony. I've also never had the opportunity to experience my own son or daughter being born, although being around my Goddaughter makes me as giddy as a schoolgirl (and she just happens to be the offspring of my aforementioned friend, Brent). So because of this, "The Kick" remains as the greatest single joyful moment of my entire life. Unless you are a true Tide fan, it would be impossible for you to understand or relate. And I don't give a rat's ass if you do or don't anyway. All I know is that it's Iron Bowl week and I want to beat those bastards. ROLL, BABY, ROLL!

Braindead

brain-dead adj.
Brain-damaged in the extreme. It tends to imply terminal design failure rather than malfunction or simple stupidity. "This comm program doesn't know how to send a break -- how brain-dead!"

VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!

This weekend I'll be heading to Sin City for my friend Jack's 40th birthday bash. We'll be dining at The Bellagio Friday night and watching the Tide on Saturday. And not only is it Jack's birthday but it’s also he and his wife’s wedding anniversary, and at midnight on Saturday they’re going to have their wedding vows renewed at a cheesy Elvis chapel. I mentioned this to my mom and added that it wouldn't be too far out of the realm of reality for me to end up getting drunk and marrying a nasty meth junkie showgirl. Not surprisingly, she actually wasn’t all that displeased with the notion of my arrival back to the 'ham with a new (albeit skanky) wife. With three sons who have yet to tie the knot or supply her with any grandkids, she’ll basically take what she can get at this point. Poor woman.

U-G-L-Y, You ain't got no alibi...

Am I the only one who thinks the Pontiac Aztek is the ugliest vehicle ever produced? Why on earth would anyone purchase this piece of crap? Makes me ashamed to be an American.

What is with you people?

This will be the first in series of rants regarding my confusion with the opposite sex- aka "you people". This week: what's with the make-up, specifically eyeliner? Last weekend I performed at a Halloween party with one of my many bands, Three Hour Tour. We decided to dress like rock stars, and I opted for the heroin junkie country star look. I figured a little make-up would enhance my look, so I had the drummer's MILFy wife don me with some eyeliner. As I found out later, that crap WILL NOT come off easily. It's easier to remove stink from s*#t than it is that stuff from your eyelids. I know, I know- make-up remover does the trick better than soap and water. But come on, why do you people put that stuff on your face every day? Is it really worth it?