Tuesday, June 06, 2006

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: Butch Warren


Butch was one of the most sought after bassists of the classic Blue Note era in the 50's and 60's, playing with such heavyweights as Sonny Clark, Herbie Hancock and Joe Henderson. However, as I found out from this recent article, his life unfortunately took a turn for the worse. This is pretty sad:

Decades of Discord Lie Between a Man and His Music
By Marc Fisher, Washington Post
Sunday, May 21, 2006


The staff at Springfield Hospital Center -- Butch Warren refers to it only as "the loony bin" -- knows him as "Ed." He's one more guy whose mental illness got him in trouble and landed him in a state hospital 50 miles from home, locked up in a secure ward, behind a chain-link fence.

Warren, 66, looks older than that. He has lost a lot of teeth. His gait is uncertain; his gaze, distant. "This is about the best place I've ever lived," he says of the mental hospital, with its barren walls and eerie silence. After a couple of years living on the street, sleeping in shelters in the District and Montgomery County and doing a stint in the Prince George's Correctional Center in Upper Marlboro, he is grateful for a roof and three meals and the prospect of being allowed, someday, to walk up the road a bit to the campus canteen.

Hardly anyone at Springfield knew who Butch Warren is, or was, until a few weeks ago, when a worker on the ward got curious and Googled him. Thirty-five thousand pages on the Internet describe the life's work of a man who spends his days waiting for his next meal, scrounging up a cig, playing pool and hoping someone might find him a spot in a group home, a place where maybe he can get his bass back.

After the worker printed out Warren's biography from a few encyclopedias of music, and after folks started listening to him tooling around on the piano in the hospital gym, word began to spread that "Ed" was one of the great bassists of jazz's glory years.

I first heard Warren six years ago at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Southwest Washington, where he would show up to play in whatever combo was performing at the church's Jazz Night program. Most musicians played the church on Fridays for fun; Warren loved the "spirituality" of the gig, but he also did it for the money -- $75 cash. It was, for a time, his only work.

When Warren took the stage, folks at Westminster nudged one another to listen up: You won't believe who this guy really is. Other musicians dressed casually, but Warren wore a suit -- narrow lapels, thin tie, the look of a bebop man from 45 years ago. And then the sound: Man, did he swing. Made it all seem effortless, the essence of cool.

The stories about Warren turned out to be true. He was the bassist on the original recording of Herbie Hancock's "Watermelon Man" and regular bass man for Thelonious Monk's groundbreaking quartet in the early '60s. As house bassist for Blue Note Records for six years, he's on dozens of records, many with the top names in jazz. In Washington, he was best known for his spot in the band on Channel 4's 1960s daily talk show "Today With Inga."

Half a century ago, Warren was a comer. His father, pianist Edward Warren, and his mother, a singer named Natalie, lived at Fifth and Kennedy streets NW and made their place a refuge where black musicians could go after their gigs for a good dinner and an evening free of worries about who was allowed in which establishment.
The Warrens sent their boy off to South Carolina to study music. When he came home, he played with the stars who came to Washington to play the Howard Theater and the Bohemian Caverns, guys like Stuff Smith and Kenny Dorham, who told Warren that he had the goods to play in New York.

At 19, he made the move. Warren found steady work, in clubs and on records. His steady, unobtrusive rhythm and classy, unshowy solos made him the perfect studio musician. His playing had just enough of the blues and just enough bop adventure to make him enticing to leading musicians.

But like many players of that era, Warren fell into drinking and drugging. "Heroin," he says. "I always liked that heroin better than cocaine. I joke about it, but that heroin is ridiculous. There's nothing funny about it."

Then, in 1963, one of Warren's best friends, pianist Sonny Clark, died of a heroin overdose. Warren told a French magazine that "after Sonny died, I didn't feel like working anymore." Later that year, when President Kennedy was assassinated, Warren felt overwhelmed. The magazines would say that he had simply disappeared. But he actually went home, where he felt safer.

"Just people dying all around me," he says. "I felt like I was going to die. I got scared. I came home to Washington and saw the president's body passing by the White House, and I checked myself into St. Elizabeths. They said I was paranoid schizophrenic. It just came over me; the drugs was part of it. Before that, I'd been fine."

Warren stayed at St. E's for a year. There were shock treatments, but there was also a bass at the hospital, and Warren met other musicians, who helped get him out. Back in circulation, Warren kept working as long as he stayed on his medication. He played at Cafe Lautrec in Adams Morgan and The Embers, a dinner spot on Connecticut Avenue. Some years, he got by on his music work; other times, he took on day jobs, repairing radios and TVs at a Northwest shop, doing mop-up at the Naval Ordnance Lab.
For three decades, Warren was a mystery to many in Washington's jazz scene. He'd drift in and out, play a club for a while, then vanish. "There's a whole mountain of issues," says Peter Edelman, a pianist who has taken in Warren for extended periods and is keeping his bass for him. "He's rather optimistic and upbeat, but he's delusional from time to time. He can be a very perceptive observer of current events. He sees through all the charlatans out there these days."

In the 1980s, Edelman would hire Warren to play society parties, "so he could get some real money." He played steadily at Twins, a District jazz club, through most of the past few years, but then stopped taking his pills. He'd show up and play "hunched over, swaying his arms, even drooling a bit, scaring the audience a little," Edelman says. "When we gave him the choice between going back on his medication or losing the gig, Butch said, 'Peter, don't I have the right to be crazy if I want to be?'"

Warren lived in a subsidized complex for seniors in Silver Spring until he was evicted about two years ago. Edelman says the unkempt condition of Warren's kitchen was the problem; Warren says it was complaints about his late-night guests. In any event, the musician was on the street.

"My tuxedo is gone," he says. "I don't have anything. I miss my bass. I have no instrument here, so I've been singing. Never had much of a voice, but some people say I'm singing okay."

At the hospital in Sykesville, Warren looks uncharacteristically casual in a plaid flannel shirt and khakis, but one look at his hands summons the image of the lean, sad-eyed gent standing by his instrument, staring into the distance, his long, elegant fingers flying up and down the bass, his sounds inviting listeners into his private world.

He was in that solitary place one cold day this past winter, walking around in Greenbelt, when he passed a shop with an open door. The shop's alarm was ringing, he says, and no one was inside, so he walked in to warm up. When the police came, they arrested him and charged him with burglary. Maybe that's how it was, and maybe not. What is clear is that that's how he landed in the lockup.

Not many folks have patience left for Butch Warren. Edelman has done what he can for his friend. "I understand it's not possible to save every gift from the Creator, but nobody wants to be homeless," Edelman says. "Butch can't take care of himself. But he can still play."

Warren seems barely aware that there are still fans out there, people who cherish every measure of his recorded work. Bertrand Uberall, a mathematician and jazz archivist who works at the Library of Congress, has dug up Warren's recordings and tracked down his compositions, recorded by artists such as Dexter Gordon and Jackie McLean. "Butch is a fantastic bassist," Uberall says. "Even in the latest years, he was still playing very well."

At Twins Lounge, "People ask me all the time, 'Is Butch playing?' " says co-owner Kelly Tesfaye. "The people all respected him and gave him food. I gave him food. He needs help so much."

The Rev. Brian Hamilton, pastor at the jazz church, used to see Warren almost every week. "He usually didn't say much, but if you caught him at the right moment, he'd fill your ear. One time, we had him come to church and talk about jazz. What he said was that this was a wonderful world."

Monday, June 05, 2006

Unrest in East Timor - The World Watches Breathlessly


I saw this story on the internet today. This is one of the major world headlines right now, which is interesting since I've never even heard of East Timor. Check out this photo- I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually using a slingshot as a weapon, besides Beaver Cleaver of course. Wow, talk about primitive weaponry.

And here's another photo that I saw from the same story:



Apparently, the New Zealand Army regularly performs some ritualistic dance. It looks to me like a bunch of tools doing a country line dance. I can certainly see how battling the New Zealand militia would strike fear in the hearts and minds of their enemies. Ah, those wacky New Zealanders.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

DorkCenter


When did ESPN SportsCenter anchors become such tools? I remember when that was considered a cool job and the anchors were clever smartasses and/or at the very least, savvy professionals- Keith Olberman, Dan Patrick, Larry Biehl and Craig Kilborn (before he totally dorked out himself) immediately come to mind. And what's with the ridiculous home run euphamisms and buzz words? Just say "It's gone" and move on. I miss those days.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Please God - Make it Stop


Election day is next Tuesday it cannot get here soon enough. There are signs and ads all over the damn place and the mudslinging is in high gear. I can't remember a time when the local political climate has been this negative. And the brilliant campaign organizers have determined that we Alabamians are so ignorant that we'll vote for a candidate based on any number of key buzzwords used in their ads. If I hear "conservative Alabama values" one more time, I'm going to puke. Every candidate describes him or herself in this way, making it impossible to distinguish one from the other. Of course, it won't end after next week because I'm sure there will be run-off elections. Calgon take me away!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Paul Is Dead - R.I.P.


Paul Gleason, one of my favorite character actors, died over the weekend at the age of 67. Some of you may recognize him from one of his many memorable roles in such classics as The Breakfast Club, Die Hard and Johnny Be Good. My personal favorite moment of his was as the henchman Clarence Beeks in Trading Places when he uttered the immortal line, ""I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain." Along with J.T. Walsh, he was one of the great unsung heroes of 80's cinema. We'll miss you man.

On a side note, I noticed the negative comments on my last post. Being a stickler for free speech, I don't make a habit of deleting comments (unless it's spam) so I'll leave them there. But for the love of God, I don't see when or how I could have possibly pissed off someone enough to warrant such hateful personal comments. For whatever it's worth (and I freely admit that it ain't much), my "rants and raves" are simply my opinions and are no more than just cheese whiz for cyberspace. But if it makes you feel better, then whatever.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

American Nightmare


So another season of American Idol has ended. And with it the lives of countless losers who have nothing better to live for. Pardon my cynicism but I can’t take it anymore. It’s amazing to me how much people get caught up in this hysteria. I was listening to my favorite local talk show yesterday and people were calling in with drool dripping from their tongues talking about Taylor Hicks and the American Idol experience. In fact, after performing a lame 3 keys lower than the original version of “Levon” Tuesday night, one woman said of Taylor (and I’m NOT kidding), “Taylor sings Elton John better than Elton himself.” Excuse me?!? That mofo has written some of the most recognizable melodies in pop music history. Lady, will you pleeeease pull your head out of your ass long enough to realize that American Idol is nothing more than a glorified karaoke contest?

Look, I have nothing against Taylor Hicks, other than the fact that he acts like a complete dork when he performs. He’s an average singer and a better than average performer. The gray-haired cokehead had nothing to lose when he sauntered into Vegas for AI tryouts, so more power to him. But comparing him to Elton John?!? Are you fucking kidding me? People like the aforementioned idiot lady have lost their freaking minds. And this is the problem I have with this show and others like it. It plays to the dumbass mentality that Americans have adapted. I’m not sure how it happened but America has become so dumbed down that they see AI as a true evaluator of raw talent. Let’s get one thing straight- it’s not. And when did Prince sell out and become a whore? He’s the last artist I would have expected to appear on that show, yet there he was jiggling his ass around the stage in his high heels to hock his new album.

There’s a reason why there isn’t an American Banker or an American Jeweler or and American I Can Hit A 90 MPH Fastball Just Like A Major Leaguer show. It’s because not everyone has the types of skills necessary to perform these tasks in an extraordinary manner on a consistent basis. It takes a special talent to perform these functions. But all of a sudden, people think they can be a star just Randy, Paula and Simon say so. Give me a break. Those of you who know me are aware that I myself am a musician and have been known to whore my talents on occasion. But I also know my limitations, and I know that no matter how talented one might be, it all comes down to simple luck and who you know.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

It's Called Fiction - Look Into It.


I've had enough with all the discussion and protest over the theatrical release of The Davinci Code. I've seen countless news stories about how clergymen and Christians are up in arms over the film. Why are all these people wasting their time anyway? It's a work of FUCKING FICTION! Get over it! If you don't want to see it, then don't!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Am I Missing Something?


In case you haven't watched a television in the last couple of years, poker has exploded into one of the most popular sources of tv entertainment. And I have no idea why. Dorky men with small penises have been playing poker since the days of the old west. So why all of a sudden is it so goddamn popular? And what's with these goons who wear shades while they're playing (see picture)? And why do these same idiots insist that poker is a "sport"? It's no more a sport than crossword puzzles or hangman. It's just a friggin' game that requires skills and smarts. I don't care how much dough some of these guys are winning- they need to get lives.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

And For My Next Stunt...


Hey David Blaine, here's a suggestion for your next "stunt"- how about seeing how long you can go without being an attention whore? What a tool.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The F*#%ing Braves


I realize that the few of you who read this could care less about The Atlanta Braves but I really don’t give a rat's ass. I need to rant about my favorite MLB team or else I'll go crazy, so just allow me this little space. First of all, I’m a true fan. I’ve followed this team since I could walk- I’m not one of these fair-weather yahoos who latched on during the championship run during the 90’s.

Generally for me, the Braves fall into three categories during the course of a game or season. First, there’s the Braves- that’s the team we’ve come to know over the past 14 years who win division titles and play above and beyond everyone else; then there’s the Stupid Braves- when they’re squandering away a lead by committing any number of faux paux’s during a game, whether it’s walking hitters for no reason or committing pointless errors; finally, there’s the Fucking Braves (aka Slaves)- when they’re so inept that the season is on the brink of going in the tank. That’s the position they’re in as of this date. Currently they’re 13-18 and in third place, eight games behind the goddamn Mets. And it’s frustrating because of all major league clubs, they possess the best and deepest organization of talent at every level. So what the hell is going on with this team? I’m going to pretend I’m an expert and point out a few things that concern me. I’m not going to count injuries because that is something that is out of the team’s control. Anyway, here’s the way I see it:

1) The lead-off spot – Marcus Giles was going to be a risk anyway, and he’s proving that he is not a lead-off type hitter. His OBP is in the low .200’s and he’s better suited for the #2 spot.
2) Jeff Francoer – It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that Frenchy would have difficulty repeating last year’s near Rookie Of The Year season. He swings at EVERYTHING and has no discipline at the plate. Hellooooo Terry Pendleton?
3) Adam Laroche – I’m sorry Bobby Cox, but Laroche is just not cutting it at first base. We’ve been waiting for him to come around for two years and he strikes out way too much. He's too high in the order- Brian McCann can hit circles around him. I’m afraid it’s time to trade Rochy and bring up James Jurries.
4) The bullpen – Geez Louise with a sack of peas it seems like this is an issue every year. Reitsma’s not getting the job done and the rest of the crew is just too damn inconsistent. This rant has already been long enough.
5) Starting pitching - I don't know WTF is going on with the starters. Like the great Leo always says- JUST THROW STRIKES!

If things don’t turn around soon, it’s going to be a long season. I’m already tired of looking up at the Mets’ ballsack. Then again, maybe I’m just an impatient bastard. Word.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

United 93


When I first heard about this movie, my immediate reaction was that it was going to be ripe with cheesiness and exploitation. I couldn't believe anyone would want to see it. However, I recently read some excellent reviews from movie critics whose opinions I respect, so I decided to see it the other night. I could not have been more wrong. This might be the most intense and powerful film I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. It's pretty much shot in real time and feels more like a documentary than a Hollywood movie. Much of it showed how the nation's military and air traffic controllers dealt with the looming crisis- it was quite fascinating. The timing of my decision to see it, however, could not have been worse. I'm actually flying twice in the next two weeks, and this is not the kind of movie you'd want to see if you're ever planning on flying again. May the force be with me.

Friday, April 28, 2006

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: Miles Davis


Miles Davis is one of the central creative artists in the history of recorded American music. As a trumpet player, composer, bandleader and all around badass, Miles created and perfected several different major subgenres of jazz. Shut up and listen.
"I'll play it first and tell you what it is later."
"All you've got to do in this country today is just be on television and you're more known and respected than anyone who paints a great painting or creates great music or writes a great book or is a great dancer. . . . A bad, untalented person who is on television or in the movies can be more recognized and respected than a genius who doesn't appear on the screen."
"I don’t care if a dude is purple with green breath as long as he can swing."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Involuntary Human Cerebral Jukebox


Last week I heard the song "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter for the first time. Naturally, my initial reaction was that it was typical pop faggotry. But it's really not that bad of a song. The problem is that now I can't get the goddamn thing out of my head, especially since it's played ALL the time EVERYWHERE. Other songs in recent years- "Hey Ya" by Outkast and "Breathless" by The Coors come to mind- have been overplayed to the point of inducing nausea. We end up getting inundated with sound bites from the broadcast media whose only concern is to pound the collecitve ass of the public with the lowest common denominator of entertainment. And guess what? The public keeps eating it up. This is why a piece of crap like American Idol, which is basically glorified karaoke singing, is so successful. Americans are, for the most part, shallow and stupid. Word.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Poor Barry


I love that Barry Bonds is having such a shitty season so far (AVG .214 | HR 0 | RBI 1 | OBP .522 | SLG .321). He looks like a broken down old man in the outfield. And I'll bet his testicles have shrunken to the size of peanuts. I don't think there are many folks in America who, as Chet in Weird Science would say, "give a squirt of piss for his ass" right now. LONG LIVE HANK AARON!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Jive Talkin'


Talkin' it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin' about issues
Talkin' about real important issues.

Talkin' it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin' about chest hair
Talkin' about crazy cool medallions!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Classic Confrontation


So at last week's NASCAR Nextel Cup race in Texas Greg Biffle was wrecked by Kurt Busch. Yawn. However, here's the interesting twist: after the incident, Biffle's girlfriend climbed down off the crew box and marched down pit road to angrily confront Busch's fiance. According to reports, the confrontation was brief and it's not clear what point Nicole Lunders was trying to make. All I know is that I'm torn between feeling like a typical male ("Yeehaw! Catfight!") and a humiliated redneck. This is just what we Southerners need to enhance our already stellar reputation.

Monday, April 10, 2006

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: J.J. Johnson


Known as one of the greatest jazz trombonists of all time, J.J. played with everybody from Charlie Parker in the 40's to Miles in the 50's and was still active in the mid-90's. He played proficiently with speed and ease while still able to knock out a beautiful tone. I just picked up his small group sessions from Mosaic Records, so I'll be busy for awhile. Not that any of you give a rat's ass.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Weather Morons


I'm sick and tired of these goons who forecast the weather on the local news stations. They are constantly freaking out the public whenever there is the slightest hint of severe weather. Last night, these yahoos warned everyone about a system that would be blowing through Alabama around mid-day today and compared it to the F-5 tornado weather we had several years ago. Sure enough, everyone panicked and schools began announcing closings at dawn today. By mid-morning, most schools were to close at noon. This of course affected all the local businesses because most people who have children had to leave work to go pick up and/or take care of their kids. While driving to lunch today, it was utter chaos on the roads with bumper to bumper traffic.

Well guess what? I'm currently sitting here at work at 4:41pm looking out my window and it's still SUNNY and 80 friggin' degrees! Meanwhile, everyone is wasting time sitting at home waiting for a storm that is indeed probably on its way, but about 10 hours past the time that they SWORE to everyone on television was going to be here by noon today. Thanks a lot fellas! Right on target as usual.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

More Fun With Numbers


The re-make of the classic film The Omen (which I'm certain will suck) will open in theaters this summer on 6/6/06.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Fun With Numbers


On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your normal life.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Turn Signals: A Lost Art


Remember the good old days when drivers were sensible and courteous to their fellow man? Neither do I. But I guarantee you the world would be a better place if we could all just agree to indicate our intentions to other drivers on the road. And the only way to do that, short of those dorky hand signals, is through the use of the turn signal. Apparently contrary to what many people realize, turn signals can be found in all standard motor vehicles. So let's all pitch in and do our part to avoid those pesky rear-enders. As that little elf Ben Lee once said, we're all in this together.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Hawk


For a change of pace, today I'll be singing praise rather than slinging a rant. I picked up a CD reissue of Coleman Hawkins' "The Hawk Relaxes" the other day and have enjoyed it immensely. Coleman Hawkins was the man. There aren't many men who ever blew the tenor with such a beautiful tone. I wish it hadn't taken me 33 years to develop an appreciation for jazz. Better late than never I guess.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Time to join the rest of us.


Dear restaurant owner-

I believe it's time to do away with something that should've been taken care of years ago- the glass ketchup bottle. For years your patrons have been shaking, banging and beating these goddamn things in hopes of creating just a little pile of ketchup on our plates. Instead, we inevitably end up with bruised hands, stained shirts and bitchy attitudes. Guess what? Plastic squeeze bottles have been in use by the general public for years now. Don't tell me that the reason you stick with the dinosaur bottles is because they can be re-filled. The last time I checked, squeeze bottles have tops that unscrew. So do us all a favor and get rid of these damn things. Thank you.

John Q. Public

Monday, March 13, 2006

Let The Madness Begin...


Here are the candidates for the next "Real Men of Genius" Bud light ad. I'm sure these cool guys will continue to make us proud during the tournament. Here's to you Mark's Madness members!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Same Siders


Today I feel like going off on "same siders" at restaurants. You know these couples. They're the ones who can't stand the thought of dining three feet away from each other. They feel compelled to sit on the same side of the table or booth so they can cuddle while they eat. These are the same people who ride right up next to each other in pick-up trucks. Hell, they also probably saw the "Love Toilet" skit on SNL and thought it was a good idea. Please stop doing this- you're making the rest of nauseous while we're trying to eat.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Green Green Grass of Home


What the hell is the deal with painted grass? More and more nowadays, people are opting for this ludicrous remedy for lawn treatment. Personally, I think grass that is so obviously painted green is a lot uglier than brown grass. I realize the purpose of this colored assjuice is to fertilize and that the green dye is used as a cosmetic marker. Doesn't matter. It's still uglier 'n shit. That's all I have to say about that.

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Death Of Music, Part 4


Saw another shitty band on Letterman last night- She Wants Revenge. This waste of noise consisted of a black guy on guitar and lead vocals who literally "sang" the lyrics in monotone the whole song; some weird dude dressed in black with a red 'X' on his chest who was beating some keyboard pad with one drum stick (I have no idea what kind of sound it was supposed to be making); a lead guitar player who basically strummed muted strings for most of the "song"; and a drummer who could at least keep a beat, which is the only thing I heard that qualified as music, at least from a definitive standpoint. I just don't understand how or why bands like this continue to get exposure. And major labels wonder why they continue to lose money...

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thanks a lot Dave Matthews!


I must go off on something that has been bothering me for quite some time now, which is eponymous band names. I'm sick and tired of every other band being called "The (Insert Name Here) Band". It started with the Dave Matthews band and since then it seems like there are a thousand bands like this. What happened to creativity in this country? If you listen to these bands' music, it's obvious that this aforementioned creativity was lost on these particular acts, and not just in naming themselves. I saw two guys (yes, two of them) on a local TV morning show this morning called the Ben Nelson Band and guess what? They sucked. Just because you can put words to chords doesn't mean that you're entitled to spread aural air pollution. Can we please have a moratorium on this? I realize that some of these morons out there may have already killed millions of brain cells, but how about using what little cerebral function you have left to come up with a somewhat creative band name? Thanks.

My Valentine's Road Trip


I went to see Aimee Mann perform in Atlanta on Tuesday night and I had a couple of interesting incidents on the drive over and the drive back. First of all, I stopped off at an exit to grab a bite to eat and pulled into a Chik-Fil-A. The drive-thru line was out the ass, so I decided to park and go inside. I couldn't believe what I witnessed next. It was Valentine’s Dinner Night at Chik-Fil-A. They had closed off a whole section and had a hostess, candle-lit tables and two servers. And if taking your date to Chik-Fil-A isn’t cheap enough, they were offering two free desserts with the purchase of two combo meals. If you’re in high school or a senior citizen or just want to do something cute with your kids on V-Day, I can understand. But really ladies, how would you react if your man told you he was taking you to Chik-Fil-A for Valentine’s Day?

And for the capper: on the way home I made a pit stop for gas, a snack and to shake the proverbial dew off my lilly. I approached the restroom, I opened the door...and lo and behold there’s a large black man sitting on the shitter taking a dump while talking on his cell phone. It was a single toilet bathroom and the guy didn’t have the brains or the courtesy to lock the fucking door. The odor was so putrid it knocked me back like heat from a hot oven. Instead, he had to go and ruin my evening (as well as my appetite). Thanks chief.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Waaaaaaaaaahhh!!


I used to hate NASCAR. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to watch a bunch of cars drive in circles for three hours. Then some former bandmates gradually turned me onto it, and I was hooked. The last few years, however, I've becomed more and more disinterested in the sport. This is partly due to the new generation of young punk drivers (i.e. Kurt Busch) but mainly has to do with what has become the newest pastime for NASCAR drivers- complaining to the media about how unfair the rules are or unsafe it is for them to drive. I am sick and tired of listening to every driver bitch, moan and whine. In the old days, if one driver had a problem with another driver, they would just stalk them after the race and beat the shit out of them. I don't ever recall Bobby Allison or David Pearson crying about how they got bumped out of the race.

This past weekend, Tony Stewart complained about how something needs to be done about the tactic known as bump drafting before another driver gets killed.

"I was watching TV before we came down here and they were talking about the tribute to Dale Earnhardt," said Stewart, referring to the fact the legendary driver was killed five years ago in the 2001 Daytona 500. "Five years from now we're probably going to have to do another tribute to another driver because we're going to kill somebody. It could be me or Dale Earnhardt Jr. or anybody out there," said Stewart.

If it's not softening the bumpers or getting rid of restrictor plates, it's something else. Hey Tony and everyone else- how about putting your money where your mouth is? If it's so unsafe and you're so afraid of getting killed, then why don't you take a stand and refuse to race until NASCAR fixes the problem? Oh wait, of course you won't. Because you're The Home Depot's bitch. The sponsors own the drivers because the sponsors pay the millions of dollars it takes to put these cars on the track every week. Until you're willing to grow some balls and stand up for what you believe in, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Poor Fat Phil


Fat Phil Fulmer has shown his ass again. Yesterday he whined to the AP about how he had been lied to by several recruits after committing and then de-committing to Tennessee.

"There's guys that just lie to you -- flat lie to you," he said. "That goes back to upbringing."

Oh really Phillip? Kinda like coaches lie to players and their parents when they tell them that they'll be there to take care of their sons for four years only to flee to another school for more money? And Is Fulmer is trying to tell us that he's never continued to recruit a prospect after that prospect has committed to another school? Bullshit. And I find it interesting that Fulmer would blame this "problem" on upbringing when he's had countless disciplinary issues with many of his players in recent years.

"I don't begrudge anyone for not choosing our school. We're not going to get every recruit, but just be honest."

As honest as you are Phillip? As honest as you were during the whole Alabama NCAA investigation? Go phuck yourself Phillip.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Hey Visor Guy


I played a gig at a bar the other night and saw a dude wearing a visor. In a late night bar. And it wasn't the first time I've noticed one of these idiots. If you're hanging out at the club watering hole after playing a round of golf, fine. Granted, I'd never wear one at all. But the golf course is about the only place I'd consider it appropriate to wear on of these moronic pieces of head gear. But in a bar?!? How could wearing a visor possibly EVER look cool? Do women actually go for these guys or am I just way out of touch with society?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Unbelievable



Apple sued over hearing loss in iPod buyers
By DAN GOODIN, Associated Press Writer

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

An owner of Apple Computer Inc.'s iPod music player filed a federal lawsuit against the computer maker, claiming the device causes hearing loss in people who use it.

The portable music players are "inherently defective in design and are not sufficiently adorned with adequate warnings regarding the likelihood of hearing loss," according to the complaint, which seeks class action status. The suit, filed on behalf of John Kiel Patterson of Louisiana on Tuesday in U.S. District Court in San Jose, Calif., seeks compensation for unspecified plaintiffs' damages and upgrades that will make iPods safer.

Apple has sold more than 42 million of the devices since they went on sale in 2001, including 14 million in the fourth quarter last year. The devices can produce sounds of more than 115 decibels, a volume that can damage the hearing of a person exposed to the sound for more than 28 seconds per day, the complaint states.

Although the iPod is more popular than other types of portable music players, its ability to cause noise-induced hearing isn't any higher, experts said.

"We have numerous products in the marketplace that have the potential to damage hearing," said Deanna Meinke, a professor of audiology at the University of Northern Colorado. "The risk is there but the risk lies with the user and where they set the volume."

Apple spokeswoman Kristin Huguet declined to comment.

The Cupertino-based company ships a warning with each iPod that cautions "permanent hearing loss may occur if earphones or headphones are used at high volume."

Apple was forced to pull the iPod from store shelves in France and upgrade software on the device to limit sound to 100 decibels, but has not followed suit in the United States, according to the complaint. White headphones commonly referred to as ear buds, which ship with the iPod, also contribute to noise-induced hearing loss because they do not dilute the sound entering the ear and are closer to the ear canal than other sound sources, the complaint states.

Apple has also contributed to hearing loss in iPod users by including phrases such as "crank up the tunes" and "bring in the noise" in lesson manuals related to the device, according to the complaint.

Patterson bought an iPod in 2005, according to the complaint, which didn't say if he has suffered hearing loss as a result of using it. Attorneys for Patterson did not return phone calls seeking comment.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Goin' Postal



Latest headline from California: 'Ex-Postal Employee Kills Six, Then Herself'

Why do we continue to be deluded with incidents like this? What is it about working for the U.S. Postal Service that turns innocent citizens into Son of Sam wannabes? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

BLAH BLAH BLAH!


This week Stephen King is releasing his new book, called Cell. King's latest is based on his own fantasy (as well as mine) about the best thing that can happen to the incessant, mindless yakkers that are better known as cell phone users. On any given day, anyone who is talking on a cellphone becomes a victim of "The Pulse," a worldwide act of terrorism turns cellphone users into zombie-like, bloodthirsty "phone-crazies."

I say AMEN to this premise. I could go on all day about what pisses me off about cell phone users, but the one thing that stands out above all others is the annoyingly deafening volume at which countless squawkers feel is necessary in order for their dipshit counterpart on the other end to hear them. This is especially true in airports, where for some reason people feel the need to equal the dB level of the very planes that they're about to board. Hey emcee, do us all a favor and try using a normal speaking voice just one time while you're on your cell phone. I GUARANTEE you that the person on the other end can and will hear you. Thanks and fuck you very much.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I Say Beat 'em


Would someone please explain the concept of "time out" to me? I understand what it is, I just question the effectiveness of this "punishment". Whatever happened to the good old days when children got the crap beat out of them when they misbehaved? When I was growing up, I got spanked with whatever tool was available- a belt, brush, stick, wooden spoon or just the classic hand pop. These days, we coddle our kids entirely too much. As the prophet Bill Hicks once said, you're kids are NOT special.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Frullets


One trend I've noticed recently with high school and college aged guys (at least in this area) is the male bang or front mullet (frullet if you will) haircut. These guys will wear caps that either ride up with the bill so their hair is hanging across the front, or they'll wear their caps down real tight and then take them off to reveal a frontal "hair flip". Who in the hell started this craze and what the hell were they thinking? Do chicks actually go for this look? Hey guys- you look like imbeciles!

Am I just getting old?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Men Who Spit


What is it with men who feel the need to hock a loogie wherever and whenever they please? I can't tell you how many times I've been forced to witness this disgusting act- standing in a food line at an outdoor fair, leaning out a car at a stop light, even one guy at work who spits his dip in my garbage can. I'm tired of these macho lugheads who launch loogies from their mouth with a “kkkrrrwack—pttuu!”. Why can't they stick with traditional bad male habits like farting and belching? At least I don't have to worry about stepping in a fart, unless that individual draws mud of course...

Friday, January 13, 2006

Lock up the women and children...


Soon to be returning to your town - The Inlaws are saddling up again. Stay tuned for more details...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Requiem For Chuck


Last weekend Bama lost Chuck Davis, a senior and one of my all-time favorite Tide players, for the season. Basketball season is officially over.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Brokeback Mountain


I saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend and it was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I've had several male friends tell me that there's no way they'll be seeing it, no matter how good it is. Well guys, I don't know about you but I'm rather open-minded and comfortable with my sexuality. Grow some fucking balls. And to Larry Miller, the Utah theater chain owner who pulled the movie at the last minute even though he bought the film in good faith, promoted it and sold tickets to eager patrons- Go fuck yourself.

By the way, the poster you see above is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Dear Best Buy...


No, I don't want to give you my phone number. No, I don't have nor want a Best Buy Rewards card. And no, I don't want a subscription to Time, Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly magazine. I just want to pay for my shit and LEAVE!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Matt Whinart


So I'm sitting there on my couch taking in what I've just witnessed- one of the greatest college football games I've ever seen. Texas had just defeated USC in an epic Rose Bowl matchup in which (CLICHE ALERT) it really was a shame for either team to lose. Then Matt Leinart has to go and ruin it for himself and his team by saying to an ABC reporter, "I still think we have a better team- they just made the right plays when they had to."
Blah blah blah you fucking whiner. Your team was just beaten fair and square on the field of play, so shut up and deal with it. THEY beat YOU, so TEXAS is the better team.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

It's Bad!


Hats off to the Jamie Christensen and the Tide for the ugliest made field goal in the history of mankind.