Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Sea of Ass


A couple of weeks ago someone referred to a wedding reception party as a "sea of ass", and I had to agree with him. However, this past weekend I discovered groundzero for THE Sea of Ass- the NYC Chelsea/meatpacking district. A friend and me went to NY/NJ to visit another old buddy who lives in Jersey (30 miles outside of NYC) and he took us out on the town Friday and Saturday night.

I have no shame in admitting that we basically ended up as walking boners (I'm a dirty old man and proud of it.). At one point we spent about a half hour just standing on a street corner offering commentary/critique about everyone who walked by. As much as I dislike reality TV, I think we stumbled upon an interesting premise for one of these shows. Just the three of us in a 10 foot tall tower with headset microphones, commenting on the pedestrians walking by below us. I'm calling NBC today.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Hey look! I'm on TV!


Do people not realize how stupid they look when they wave like idiots into a tv camera? I see this every morning on the Today show while I'm getting dressed for work. Normally ordinary citizens turn into narrow-minded buffoons at the sight of a television camera and monitor.

But nothing is more dorky than the moron (usually at a sporting event- especially behind home plate) who waves to the camera while calling a buddy on their cell phone. They should authorize stadium ushers to shoot these people on sight- or at least immediately remove them from the premises.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Penises, Butts and Poop


My cousin recently gave birth to her third boy. Having grown up the oldest of three boys and seen the effect it's had on my mother, I personally think anyone who has two boys and would risk having a third is a fucking idiot. But I digress.

Anyway, I went to visit the birth suite and as the middle child (Miles) was holding his newborn brother in his lap, the following dialogue ensued:

Miles: "Mommy, does he have a penis?"

Mommy: "Yes Miles."

Miles: "Mommy, does he have a butt?"

Mommy: "Yes Miles, just like you."

Ten seconds of silence.

Miles: "Mommy, does he poop?"

Mommy: "Yes Miles."

Me: Laughing my ass off.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Yahoo


I saw this morning that Yahoo's stock has taken a dramatic dip. That got me thinking about Yahoo Serious, the comedian from down under who starred as Young Einstein in the 80's and proceed to drop off the face of the earth. What the hell ever happened to that guy? He was hyped as being the next great comedic superstar and then went AWOL. I guess by now he's hunting crocs and sipping Fosters in the outback with Paul Hogan.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Take a Bow, Auburn Fans


Academic fraud: one more in a long line of accomplishments for Auburn University, including cool mailboxes.

Friday, July 14, 2006

27 Yanni Fans Can't Be Wrong


There's a forty-something year-old woman that I've seen at the gym where I work out who likes to wear her "Yanni Live" tour t-shirt. Now, I'm not going to harp on some woman's musical taste but why in the world would you want to let people know that not only are you a Yanni fan but that you actually forked out God knows how much dough to see him live AND buy a t-shirt to wear as proof?

Monday, July 10, 2006

Ummm, okay...


Mickey Rourke is a sick bastard. This is a newsflash I just saw:

Hollywood star MICKEY ROURKE has an unusual way of dealing with his anger - he cuts off his finger. The actor was taken to hospital and had to endure eight hour surgery to save his finger. Rourke is no stranger to violence, he trained as a boxer in his youth and took a five year break from his acting career to take the sport up professionally. The eccentric star says, "I cut my little finger off because I thought I didn't want it. I was angry about something so I decided I didn't need the end of the little finger on my left hand. "I didn't cut it off completely - it was still hanging on a tendon - and an English friend, GARY, carefully carried the end of it as we went to hospital to try to rectify the situation. It took the surgeon eight hours to sew it back on. I still can't bend it properly."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I Call Bullshit, Ken


Ken Lay (allegedly) died of a heart attack in Colorado. His death was confirmed by a secretary and a family spokesperson. How about a doctor's confirmation? I smell bullshit. I think Kenny pulled an Elvis and faked his own death in order to avoid getiing buttreamed in prison. Right now he's probably sitting in Canada sipping a latte.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Movie Theater Etiquitte


Went to see Superman Returns last night and it's actually very good. Of course, it would've been much more enjoyable had some people followed some simple rules of etiquitte. Now, I've found that talkers and cell phone users are really not a problem at most movies. It really depends on what kind of film you're seeing. If you're going to see something that carries over into the teenage demographic (i.e. most screwball comedies), you just have to deal with it. You can't control 13 year-olds, especially when they're in a group. I know because I myself was once one of those obnoxious a-holes.

The main culprits of the ruination of the movie-going experience are the latecomers. Now, I'll (reluctantly) grant these people the first 15 minutes of previews due to long ticket and food lines, although I can't understand not allowing yourself extra time if it's a new release. What kills me are the folks who show up 30 minutes after showtime when the movie is already well into the first act. They should just lock the friggin' doors 15 minutes past showtime and install bathrooms inside the theater. Alas, it's only a pipedream.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Axl Pose - WTF?


Axl's at it again. And I hate to say it but he's looking buttass ugly these days.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -Axl Rose was arrested early Tuesday after allegedly biting a security guard in the leg in a hotel scuffle, police said. The Guns N' Roses frontman was held on suspicion of attacking and threatening the guard and causing damage to the Berns Hotel, said police spokeswoman Towe Hagg.

"He was deemed too intoxicated to be questioned right away," Hagg told The Associated Press. She said a prosecutor will decide whether to press charges.

It was unclear what caused the fight, but Swedish tabloids said the guard tried to intervene when the 44-year-old rocker started arguing with a woman in the hotel lobby. Police officer Fredrik Nylen was quoted by the daily Aftonbladet Web site as saying Rose acted aggressively toward police and had to be "handcuffed and restrained."

"He kept a high profile, so to speak," Nylen was quoted as saying.

Guns N' Roses played a concert in Stockholm's Globe Arena on Monday night, and had been partying at a well-known nightclub before the scuffle, Aftonbladet said.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Random Conversation


"Hey Bobby- I don't know about you but my ass is awful sore from getting buttreamed over the past few weeks. You got any aloe?"

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Breakin' The Law


I rolled through a stop sign yesterday and got a ticket. Those bastards actually had a roadside sting operation set up specifically to catch people rolling through that particular sign. They cited myself and two others. Meanwhile, white windowless rape vans with Texas plates sped through the interstates of downtown B-ham carrying drugs and illegal aliens.

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Freefallin' Braves


Losers of 14 out of their last 17 and now 13 games out of first. Well done boys!

Ah, the magic of Photoshop.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Enhancement for your Bathroom


Just when you thought you'd seen it all when it came to iPod accessories, here comes the iCarta. According to the manufacturer, it's designed to "enhance your experience in the smallest room". I don't need tunes while I'm on the throne- shiterature works just fine for me.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Soccer - I Just Don't Get It


Well, the World Cup is upon us and I have to say that I just don't understand the hype. I've tried to watch it- I really have. And don't get me wrong, I admire the conditioning and athleticism required to play the sport. But as entertainment, it's about as exciting as watching cars rust.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Keep Digging, Annie...


In case you haven't heard or read about Ann Coulter's new book (Godless: The Church of Liberalism) or her appearance on Tuesday's Today show, this woman has officially lost it. In her latest attempt to feed her rabid fan base of conservatives, she's taken a flying leap off the proverbial plank. She has ripped the widows of 9/11 victims by calling them "self-obsessed" and making such statements as:

- "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

- acting "as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them."

- saying the women used their grief “to make a political point.”

- "And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy..."

As Dennis Miller once said, you talk about balls the size of Alpha Centauri- Annie appears to be digging her own grave here. Like a scene out of Tin Cup, she's just lofting ball after ball into the drink and you just want her to stop for her own sake while cringing until your face is frozen. You go girl!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

This Just In...


From the "too good to be true" department comes this story. Jim Bob Cooter?!? I almost pissed my pants from laughing so hard when I saw this:

Tennessee quarterback suspended

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Tennessee quarterback Jim Bob Cooter was suspended indefinitely Monday after campus police arrested him on a drunken-driving charge.
Coach Philip Fulmer cited a violation of team rules. He said Cooter will miss the season opener Sept. 2 against California and undergo an alcohol evaluation before he can return.

"Jim Bob has let the team down and embarrassed himself and his family by his actions," Fulmer said. "He has benefited greatly by being part of the Tennessee family, and with that comes great responsibility for his actions."

Cooter was arrested Saturday after campus officers noticed a sports utility vehicle crossing the center line and driving on the road side of the street, according to a campus police report. Cooter failed three field sobriety tests.

The quarterback was charged with first offense driving under the influence, the report said. A female passenger was charged with underage consumption of alcohol.

"He did not behave in a responsible manner, and he understands very clearly that even though this is his first offense, there will be consequences," Fulmer said.

Cooter earned his bachelor's degree in May but is to play a graduate student this fall. He did not attempt a pass in 2005 and made late appearances in one game each in 2003 and 2004 after redshirting in 2002.

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: Butch Warren


Butch was one of the most sought after bassists of the classic Blue Note era in the 50's and 60's, playing with such heavyweights as Sonny Clark, Herbie Hancock and Joe Henderson. However, as I found out from this recent article, his life unfortunately took a turn for the worse. This is pretty sad:

Decades of Discord Lie Between a Man and His Music
By Marc Fisher, Washington Post
Sunday, May 21, 2006


The staff at Springfield Hospital Center -- Butch Warren refers to it only as "the loony bin" -- knows him as "Ed." He's one more guy whose mental illness got him in trouble and landed him in a state hospital 50 miles from home, locked up in a secure ward, behind a chain-link fence.

Warren, 66, looks older than that. He has lost a lot of teeth. His gait is uncertain; his gaze, distant. "This is about the best place I've ever lived," he says of the mental hospital, with its barren walls and eerie silence. After a couple of years living on the street, sleeping in shelters in the District and Montgomery County and doing a stint in the Prince George's Correctional Center in Upper Marlboro, he is grateful for a roof and three meals and the prospect of being allowed, someday, to walk up the road a bit to the campus canteen.

Hardly anyone at Springfield knew who Butch Warren is, or was, until a few weeks ago, when a worker on the ward got curious and Googled him. Thirty-five thousand pages on the Internet describe the life's work of a man who spends his days waiting for his next meal, scrounging up a cig, playing pool and hoping someone might find him a spot in a group home, a place where maybe he can get his bass back.

After the worker printed out Warren's biography from a few encyclopedias of music, and after folks started listening to him tooling around on the piano in the hospital gym, word began to spread that "Ed" was one of the great bassists of jazz's glory years.

I first heard Warren six years ago at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Southwest Washington, where he would show up to play in whatever combo was performing at the church's Jazz Night program. Most musicians played the church on Fridays for fun; Warren loved the "spirituality" of the gig, but he also did it for the money -- $75 cash. It was, for a time, his only work.

When Warren took the stage, folks at Westminster nudged one another to listen up: You won't believe who this guy really is. Other musicians dressed casually, but Warren wore a suit -- narrow lapels, thin tie, the look of a bebop man from 45 years ago. And then the sound: Man, did he swing. Made it all seem effortless, the essence of cool.

The stories about Warren turned out to be true. He was the bassist on the original recording of Herbie Hancock's "Watermelon Man" and regular bass man for Thelonious Monk's groundbreaking quartet in the early '60s. As house bassist for Blue Note Records for six years, he's on dozens of records, many with the top names in jazz. In Washington, he was best known for his spot in the band on Channel 4's 1960s daily talk show "Today With Inga."

Half a century ago, Warren was a comer. His father, pianist Edward Warren, and his mother, a singer named Natalie, lived at Fifth and Kennedy streets NW and made their place a refuge where black musicians could go after their gigs for a good dinner and an evening free of worries about who was allowed in which establishment.
The Warrens sent their boy off to South Carolina to study music. When he came home, he played with the stars who came to Washington to play the Howard Theater and the Bohemian Caverns, guys like Stuff Smith and Kenny Dorham, who told Warren that he had the goods to play in New York.

At 19, he made the move. Warren found steady work, in clubs and on records. His steady, unobtrusive rhythm and classy, unshowy solos made him the perfect studio musician. His playing had just enough of the blues and just enough bop adventure to make him enticing to leading musicians.

But like many players of that era, Warren fell into drinking and drugging. "Heroin," he says. "I always liked that heroin better than cocaine. I joke about it, but that heroin is ridiculous. There's nothing funny about it."

Then, in 1963, one of Warren's best friends, pianist Sonny Clark, died of a heroin overdose. Warren told a French magazine that "after Sonny died, I didn't feel like working anymore." Later that year, when President Kennedy was assassinated, Warren felt overwhelmed. The magazines would say that he had simply disappeared. But he actually went home, where he felt safer.

"Just people dying all around me," he says. "I felt like I was going to die. I got scared. I came home to Washington and saw the president's body passing by the White House, and I checked myself into St. Elizabeths. They said I was paranoid schizophrenic. It just came over me; the drugs was part of it. Before that, I'd been fine."

Warren stayed at St. E's for a year. There were shock treatments, but there was also a bass at the hospital, and Warren met other musicians, who helped get him out. Back in circulation, Warren kept working as long as he stayed on his medication. He played at Cafe Lautrec in Adams Morgan and The Embers, a dinner spot on Connecticut Avenue. Some years, he got by on his music work; other times, he took on day jobs, repairing radios and TVs at a Northwest shop, doing mop-up at the Naval Ordnance Lab.
For three decades, Warren was a mystery to many in Washington's jazz scene. He'd drift in and out, play a club for a while, then vanish. "There's a whole mountain of issues," says Peter Edelman, a pianist who has taken in Warren for extended periods and is keeping his bass for him. "He's rather optimistic and upbeat, but he's delusional from time to time. He can be a very perceptive observer of current events. He sees through all the charlatans out there these days."

In the 1980s, Edelman would hire Warren to play society parties, "so he could get some real money." He played steadily at Twins, a District jazz club, through most of the past few years, but then stopped taking his pills. He'd show up and play "hunched over, swaying his arms, even drooling a bit, scaring the audience a little," Edelman says. "When we gave him the choice between going back on his medication or losing the gig, Butch said, 'Peter, don't I have the right to be crazy if I want to be?'"

Warren lived in a subsidized complex for seniors in Silver Spring until he was evicted about two years ago. Edelman says the unkempt condition of Warren's kitchen was the problem; Warren says it was complaints about his late-night guests. In any event, the musician was on the street.

"My tuxedo is gone," he says. "I don't have anything. I miss my bass. I have no instrument here, so I've been singing. Never had much of a voice, but some people say I'm singing okay."

At the hospital in Sykesville, Warren looks uncharacteristically casual in a plaid flannel shirt and khakis, but one look at his hands summons the image of the lean, sad-eyed gent standing by his instrument, staring into the distance, his long, elegant fingers flying up and down the bass, his sounds inviting listeners into his private world.

He was in that solitary place one cold day this past winter, walking around in Greenbelt, when he passed a shop with an open door. The shop's alarm was ringing, he says, and no one was inside, so he walked in to warm up. When the police came, they arrested him and charged him with burglary. Maybe that's how it was, and maybe not. What is clear is that that's how he landed in the lockup.

Not many folks have patience left for Butch Warren. Edelman has done what he can for his friend. "I understand it's not possible to save every gift from the Creator, but nobody wants to be homeless," Edelman says. "Butch can't take care of himself. But he can still play."

Warren seems barely aware that there are still fans out there, people who cherish every measure of his recorded work. Bertrand Uberall, a mathematician and jazz archivist who works at the Library of Congress, has dug up Warren's recordings and tracked down his compositions, recorded by artists such as Dexter Gordon and Jackie McLean. "Butch is a fantastic bassist," Uberall says. "Even in the latest years, he was still playing very well."

At Twins Lounge, "People ask me all the time, 'Is Butch playing?' " says co-owner Kelly Tesfaye. "The people all respected him and gave him food. I gave him food. He needs help so much."

The Rev. Brian Hamilton, pastor at the jazz church, used to see Warren almost every week. "He usually didn't say much, but if you caught him at the right moment, he'd fill your ear. One time, we had him come to church and talk about jazz. What he said was that this was a wonderful world."

Monday, June 05, 2006

Unrest in East Timor - The World Watches Breathlessly


I saw this story on the internet today. This is one of the major world headlines right now, which is interesting since I've never even heard of East Timor. Check out this photo- I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually using a slingshot as a weapon, besides Beaver Cleaver of course. Wow, talk about primitive weaponry.

And here's another photo that I saw from the same story:



Apparently, the New Zealand Army regularly performs some ritualistic dance. It looks to me like a bunch of tools doing a country line dance. I can certainly see how battling the New Zealand militia would strike fear in the hearts and minds of their enemies. Ah, those wacky New Zealanders.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

DorkCenter


When did ESPN SportsCenter anchors become such tools? I remember when that was considered a cool job and the anchors were clever smartasses and/or at the very least, savvy professionals- Keith Olberman, Dan Patrick, Larry Biehl and Craig Kilborn (before he totally dorked out himself) immediately come to mind. And what's with the ridiculous home run euphamisms and buzz words? Just say "It's gone" and move on. I miss those days.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Please God - Make it Stop


Election day is next Tuesday it cannot get here soon enough. There are signs and ads all over the damn place and the mudslinging is in high gear. I can't remember a time when the local political climate has been this negative. And the brilliant campaign organizers have determined that we Alabamians are so ignorant that we'll vote for a candidate based on any number of key buzzwords used in their ads. If I hear "conservative Alabama values" one more time, I'm going to puke. Every candidate describes him or herself in this way, making it impossible to distinguish one from the other. Of course, it won't end after next week because I'm sure there will be run-off elections. Calgon take me away!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Paul Is Dead - R.I.P.


Paul Gleason, one of my favorite character actors, died over the weekend at the age of 67. Some of you may recognize him from one of his many memorable roles in such classics as The Breakfast Club, Die Hard and Johnny Be Good. My personal favorite moment of his was as the henchman Clarence Beeks in Trading Places when he uttered the immortal line, ""I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain." Along with J.T. Walsh, he was one of the great unsung heroes of 80's cinema. We'll miss you man.

On a side note, I noticed the negative comments on my last post. Being a stickler for free speech, I don't make a habit of deleting comments (unless it's spam) so I'll leave them there. But for the love of God, I don't see when or how I could have possibly pissed off someone enough to warrant such hateful personal comments. For whatever it's worth (and I freely admit that it ain't much), my "rants and raves" are simply my opinions and are no more than just cheese whiz for cyberspace. But if it makes you feel better, then whatever.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

American Nightmare


So another season of American Idol has ended. And with it the lives of countless losers who have nothing better to live for. Pardon my cynicism but I can’t take it anymore. It’s amazing to me how much people get caught up in this hysteria. I was listening to my favorite local talk show yesterday and people were calling in with drool dripping from their tongues talking about Taylor Hicks and the American Idol experience. In fact, after performing a lame 3 keys lower than the original version of “Levon” Tuesday night, one woman said of Taylor (and I’m NOT kidding), “Taylor sings Elton John better than Elton himself.” Excuse me?!? That mofo has written some of the most recognizable melodies in pop music history. Lady, will you pleeeease pull your head out of your ass long enough to realize that American Idol is nothing more than a glorified karaoke contest?

Look, I have nothing against Taylor Hicks, other than the fact that he acts like a complete dork when he performs. He’s an average singer and a better than average performer. The gray-haired cokehead had nothing to lose when he sauntered into Vegas for AI tryouts, so more power to him. But comparing him to Elton John?!? Are you fucking kidding me? People like the aforementioned idiot lady have lost their freaking minds. And this is the problem I have with this show and others like it. It plays to the dumbass mentality that Americans have adapted. I’m not sure how it happened but America has become so dumbed down that they see AI as a true evaluator of raw talent. Let’s get one thing straight- it’s not. And when did Prince sell out and become a whore? He’s the last artist I would have expected to appear on that show, yet there he was jiggling his ass around the stage in his high heels to hock his new album.

There’s a reason why there isn’t an American Banker or an American Jeweler or and American I Can Hit A 90 MPH Fastball Just Like A Major Leaguer show. It’s because not everyone has the types of skills necessary to perform these tasks in an extraordinary manner on a consistent basis. It takes a special talent to perform these functions. But all of a sudden, people think they can be a star just Randy, Paula and Simon say so. Give me a break. Those of you who know me are aware that I myself am a musician and have been known to whore my talents on occasion. But I also know my limitations, and I know that no matter how talented one might be, it all comes down to simple luck and who you know.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

It's Called Fiction - Look Into It.


I've had enough with all the discussion and protest over the theatrical release of The Davinci Code. I've seen countless news stories about how clergymen and Christians are up in arms over the film. Why are all these people wasting their time anyway? It's a work of FUCKING FICTION! Get over it! If you don't want to see it, then don't!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Am I Missing Something?


In case you haven't watched a television in the last couple of years, poker has exploded into one of the most popular sources of tv entertainment. And I have no idea why. Dorky men with small penises have been playing poker since the days of the old west. So why all of a sudden is it so goddamn popular? And what's with these goons who wear shades while they're playing (see picture)? And why do these same idiots insist that poker is a "sport"? It's no more a sport than crossword puzzles or hangman. It's just a friggin' game that requires skills and smarts. I don't care how much dough some of these guys are winning- they need to get lives.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

And For My Next Stunt...


Hey David Blaine, here's a suggestion for your next "stunt"- how about seeing how long you can go without being an attention whore? What a tool.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The F*#%ing Braves


I realize that the few of you who read this could care less about The Atlanta Braves but I really don’t give a rat's ass. I need to rant about my favorite MLB team or else I'll go crazy, so just allow me this little space. First of all, I’m a true fan. I’ve followed this team since I could walk- I’m not one of these fair-weather yahoos who latched on during the championship run during the 90’s.

Generally for me, the Braves fall into three categories during the course of a game or season. First, there’s the Braves- that’s the team we’ve come to know over the past 14 years who win division titles and play above and beyond everyone else; then there’s the Stupid Braves- when they’re squandering away a lead by committing any number of faux paux’s during a game, whether it’s walking hitters for no reason or committing pointless errors; finally, there’s the Fucking Braves (aka Slaves)- when they’re so inept that the season is on the brink of going in the tank. That’s the position they’re in as of this date. Currently they’re 13-18 and in third place, eight games behind the goddamn Mets. And it’s frustrating because of all major league clubs, they possess the best and deepest organization of talent at every level. So what the hell is going on with this team? I’m going to pretend I’m an expert and point out a few things that concern me. I’m not going to count injuries because that is something that is out of the team’s control. Anyway, here’s the way I see it:

1) The lead-off spot – Marcus Giles was going to be a risk anyway, and he’s proving that he is not a lead-off type hitter. His OBP is in the low .200’s and he’s better suited for the #2 spot.
2) Jeff Francoer – It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that Frenchy would have difficulty repeating last year’s near Rookie Of The Year season. He swings at EVERYTHING and has no discipline at the plate. Hellooooo Terry Pendleton?
3) Adam Laroche – I’m sorry Bobby Cox, but Laroche is just not cutting it at first base. We’ve been waiting for him to come around for two years and he strikes out way too much. He's too high in the order- Brian McCann can hit circles around him. I’m afraid it’s time to trade Rochy and bring up James Jurries.
4) The bullpen – Geez Louise with a sack of peas it seems like this is an issue every year. Reitsma’s not getting the job done and the rest of the crew is just too damn inconsistent. This rant has already been long enough.
5) Starting pitching - I don't know WTF is going on with the starters. Like the great Leo always says- JUST THROW STRIKES!

If things don’t turn around soon, it’s going to be a long season. I’m already tired of looking up at the Mets’ ballsack. Then again, maybe I’m just an impatient bastard. Word.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

United 93


When I first heard about this movie, my immediate reaction was that it was going to be ripe with cheesiness and exploitation. I couldn't believe anyone would want to see it. However, I recently read some excellent reviews from movie critics whose opinions I respect, so I decided to see it the other night. I could not have been more wrong. This might be the most intense and powerful film I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. It's pretty much shot in real time and feels more like a documentary than a Hollywood movie. Much of it showed how the nation's military and air traffic controllers dealt with the looming crisis- it was quite fascinating. The timing of my decision to see it, however, could not have been worse. I'm actually flying twice in the next two weeks, and this is not the kind of movie you'd want to see if you're ever planning on flying again. May the force be with me.

Friday, April 28, 2006

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: Miles Davis


Miles Davis is one of the central creative artists in the history of recorded American music. As a trumpet player, composer, bandleader and all around badass, Miles created and perfected several different major subgenres of jazz. Shut up and listen.
"I'll play it first and tell you what it is later."
"All you've got to do in this country today is just be on television and you're more known and respected than anyone who paints a great painting or creates great music or writes a great book or is a great dancer. . . . A bad, untalented person who is on television or in the movies can be more recognized and respected than a genius who doesn't appear on the screen."
"I don’t care if a dude is purple with green breath as long as he can swing."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Involuntary Human Cerebral Jukebox


Last week I heard the song "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter for the first time. Naturally, my initial reaction was that it was typical pop faggotry. But it's really not that bad of a song. The problem is that now I can't get the goddamn thing out of my head, especially since it's played ALL the time EVERYWHERE. Other songs in recent years- "Hey Ya" by Outkast and "Breathless" by The Coors come to mind- have been overplayed to the point of inducing nausea. We end up getting inundated with sound bites from the broadcast media whose only concern is to pound the collecitve ass of the public with the lowest common denominator of entertainment. And guess what? The public keeps eating it up. This is why a piece of crap like American Idol, which is basically glorified karaoke singing, is so successful. Americans are, for the most part, shallow and stupid. Word.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Poor Barry


I love that Barry Bonds is having such a shitty season so far (AVG .214 | HR 0 | RBI 1 | OBP .522 | SLG .321). He looks like a broken down old man in the outfield. And I'll bet his testicles have shrunken to the size of peanuts. I don't think there are many folks in America who, as Chet in Weird Science would say, "give a squirt of piss for his ass" right now. LONG LIVE HANK AARON!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Jive Talkin'


Talkin' it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin' about issues
Talkin' about real important issues.

Talkin' it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin' about chest hair
Talkin' about crazy cool medallions!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Classic Confrontation


So at last week's NASCAR Nextel Cup race in Texas Greg Biffle was wrecked by Kurt Busch. Yawn. However, here's the interesting twist: after the incident, Biffle's girlfriend climbed down off the crew box and marched down pit road to angrily confront Busch's fiance. According to reports, the confrontation was brief and it's not clear what point Nicole Lunders was trying to make. All I know is that I'm torn between feeling like a typical male ("Yeehaw! Catfight!") and a humiliated redneck. This is just what we Southerners need to enhance our already stellar reputation.

Monday, April 10, 2006

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: J.J. Johnson


Known as one of the greatest jazz trombonists of all time, J.J. played with everybody from Charlie Parker in the 40's to Miles in the 50's and was still active in the mid-90's. He played proficiently with speed and ease while still able to knock out a beautiful tone. I just picked up his small group sessions from Mosaic Records, so I'll be busy for awhile. Not that any of you give a rat's ass.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Weather Morons


I'm sick and tired of these goons who forecast the weather on the local news stations. They are constantly freaking out the public whenever there is the slightest hint of severe weather. Last night, these yahoos warned everyone about a system that would be blowing through Alabama around mid-day today and compared it to the F-5 tornado weather we had several years ago. Sure enough, everyone panicked and schools began announcing closings at dawn today. By mid-morning, most schools were to close at noon. This of course affected all the local businesses because most people who have children had to leave work to go pick up and/or take care of their kids. While driving to lunch today, it was utter chaos on the roads with bumper to bumper traffic.

Well guess what? I'm currently sitting here at work at 4:41pm looking out my window and it's still SUNNY and 80 friggin' degrees! Meanwhile, everyone is wasting time sitting at home waiting for a storm that is indeed probably on its way, but about 10 hours past the time that they SWORE to everyone on television was going to be here by noon today. Thanks a lot fellas! Right on target as usual.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

More Fun With Numbers


The re-make of the classic film The Omen (which I'm certain will suck) will open in theaters this summer on 6/6/06.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Fun With Numbers


On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your normal life.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Turn Signals: A Lost Art


Remember the good old days when drivers were sensible and courteous to their fellow man? Neither do I. But I guarantee you the world would be a better place if we could all just agree to indicate our intentions to other drivers on the road. And the only way to do that, short of those dorky hand signals, is through the use of the turn signal. Apparently contrary to what many people realize, turn signals can be found in all standard motor vehicles. So let's all pitch in and do our part to avoid those pesky rear-enders. As that little elf Ben Lee once said, we're all in this together.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Hawk


For a change of pace, today I'll be singing praise rather than slinging a rant. I picked up a CD reissue of Coleman Hawkins' "The Hawk Relaxes" the other day and have enjoyed it immensely. Coleman Hawkins was the man. There aren't many men who ever blew the tenor with such a beautiful tone. I wish it hadn't taken me 33 years to develop an appreciation for jazz. Better late than never I guess.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Time to join the rest of us.


Dear restaurant owner-

I believe it's time to do away with something that should've been taken care of years ago- the glass ketchup bottle. For years your patrons have been shaking, banging and beating these goddamn things in hopes of creating just a little pile of ketchup on our plates. Instead, we inevitably end up with bruised hands, stained shirts and bitchy attitudes. Guess what? Plastic squeeze bottles have been in use by the general public for years now. Don't tell me that the reason you stick with the dinosaur bottles is because they can be re-filled. The last time I checked, squeeze bottles have tops that unscrew. So do us all a favor and get rid of these damn things. Thank you.

John Q. Public

Monday, March 13, 2006

Let The Madness Begin...


Here are the candidates for the next "Real Men of Genius" Bud light ad. I'm sure these cool guys will continue to make us proud during the tournament. Here's to you Mark's Madness members!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Same Siders


Today I feel like going off on "same siders" at restaurants. You know these couples. They're the ones who can't stand the thought of dining three feet away from each other. They feel compelled to sit on the same side of the table or booth so they can cuddle while they eat. These are the same people who ride right up next to each other in pick-up trucks. Hell, they also probably saw the "Love Toilet" skit on SNL and thought it was a good idea. Please stop doing this- you're making the rest of nauseous while we're trying to eat.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Green Green Grass of Home


What the hell is the deal with painted grass? More and more nowadays, people are opting for this ludicrous remedy for lawn treatment. Personally, I think grass that is so obviously painted green is a lot uglier than brown grass. I realize the purpose of this colored assjuice is to fertilize and that the green dye is used as a cosmetic marker. Doesn't matter. It's still uglier 'n shit. That's all I have to say about that.