Turtle Love

I saw a turtle at the zoo the other day and he had pulled himself up on his hind legs against a rock. I then realized that he wasn't leaning on a rock at all - he was mounting another turtle. I wonder how long a turtle make-out session would last anyway. His shell thrusts were so slow that you could barely tell he was moving. But that little guy seemed to be enjoying himself. Go turtles!

Hem = Perfect

Anyone who knows me also knows that my musical tastes are all over the map. Depending on my mood, I could easily be rocking out with X, chilling with Burt Bacharach, swinging with Count Basie, twangin' with Hank Thompson, foot tappin' with some Art Blakey, fist pumpin' with Van Halen, drinkin' with the 'Mats, groovin' with some Toto, etc. You get the idea. Hell, I've even performed an interpretive dance routine to A View To A Kill by Duran Duran (albeit I was drunk at the time). Good music- and I mean whatever's good to you personally, seeing as how we all have our own tastes- should be able to elicit some type of emotional or physical response. That being said, there are very few artists or songs that I would describe as "beautiful". It's not that I'm insensitive- I just have high standards for music to qualify as such.

One of these bands is one that I saw last weekend for the third time in the last couple of years. They're called Hem and they're from Brooklyn, although they've built a substantial following here in the 'ham. Their music and melodies combined with the angelic voice of Sally Ellyson floor me everytime I hear them. The most accurate term I can come up with when attempting to describe their sound is "orchestral folk music". I am comfortable enough to admit that I have actually been moved to tears before when listening to a band, but it's only happened twice. One of those times was with Hem (incidentally, the other was Paul McCartney). For any of you who are interested, take a spare moment and check them out on iTunes or another source.

Double Secret Probation

I have officially placed the Tide on my own probation this week. I can't go to the Duke game this weekend and I've decided to totally blow it off anyway and not even watch it or listen to it. I know we've had to be patient these past several years but my patience has run out. I'm sick and tired of having a mediocre football team. I'll be back on board for the Ole Miss game but I just need a week off to re-evaluate my loyalty to this program and reminisce about the good old days.

"This is Bullshit..."

Some idiot suits at a major studio have greenlit a remake of Revenge of the Nerds, an all-time classic. What is with this trend of remaking classic comedies and horror movies? Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, When A Stranger Calls- the list goes on. Is there not one ounce of creativity left in Hollywood? I'm getting sick and tired of this. It's just another pathetic excuse to put some young, up and coming actors a chance to stink up the big screen. It will absolutely 100% suck more than the original. So why waste everyone's time?

Street Wheelies

While we're talking about men and issues I've touched on before, I'd like to discuss something I witnessed today coming back from lunch. I was casually driving down Valley Avenue, a regular street with a 35 mph speed limit, when all of a sudden some dude behind me on one of those high pitched whirring motorcycles flew past me doing a friggin' wheelie! What a fucking tool! How small does your penis have to be to learn this extraordinary trick and perform it on a normal street for all normal humans to laugh at and mock? Do they not realize that's what we're doing when they do this?

Feet

I've brought this up before but I feel it needs furthur discussion and clarification. Unless they're at the beach, men do not need to be wearing flip flops or sandals. Period. What is with guys and their obsession with these types of shoes? Most women take good care of their feet- I don't have a problem with them wearing open-toed footwear. I'm talking to the men here. Men's feet are fugly and not meant to be exposed to the general public. When it comes to foot grooming, men are still Cro-Magnons in the Upper Paleolithic period of the Pleistocene epoch.

The Coolest Fanbase in the World

Clay Aiken's hometown fans came out in full support recently for his new CD release. Look at these losers. It's like a joint meeting between Trekkies and Omega Mu's. Then again, we are talking about Clay Gaykin here. I know what some of you are thinking - "At least he has a fanbase." Touche.

The Bloodletting Has Begun...

Well, Bama took a tough loss and Mike Shula is having a new asshole ripped open by the fans. I don't ever remember there being this much backlash over a Bama coach, and that includes the Dumbose era. He better get his shit together or it's going to boil over very soon. This is shaping up to be one of those seasons where I wish I could just go into hibernation for a few months and wake up when it's over. Sigh.

If Only I Was That Lucky...

Tiger Woods is outraged at an Irish magazine and a tabloid that linked photos of his wife to various pornography sites, and his agent was studying the merits of a lawsuit.

For God's sake why? I think that would be kinda cool if my wife was that hot.

How Dare You, Benedict!

Muslims are upset at the Pope for portraying Islam as a religion tainted by violence. So they protest his remarks by...causing violence. I know it's irony at its base level, but you've got to at least chuckle a little at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 3

1. Martial Arts movies - zzzzz
2. Crocs - those are the gayest shoes I've ever seen
3. Face painters at sporting events
4. Men who wear bowties - there is nothing nerdier
5. Mexican men's fascination with painted flames on their vehicles
6. People who can't seem to fathom how or why you could possibly not care for the music that they like. Fuck you- I don't like it. Why don't you like Lester Young?
6. Blended whiskey
7. Flash Gordon (the movie) - WTF?
8. Drive-thru windows - if there are one or two people in line, fine. But when there are 57 cars wrapped around the building, why the fuck would you get in line and sit there for 20 minutes when you can just run inside and get your food to go in 2 minutes flat?

Autumn

The cool air, the brisk breeze, the changing colors, the smell of burning wood, the banging of football helmets...aaahhhh, my favorite time of year is fast approaching. Fuck springtime - I've always had a soft spot for fall.

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: Art Pepper

"You know, there's honest musicians and dishonest musicians. Let me clarify that: An honest musician, to me, plays with his heart and soul and gives you his all, all the time. And then there's the dishonest musician who plays, and he gives you his all, but not all of the time. It's like a race horse. When Art plays, it's all, all the time. I never heard him lay back at any time, and that, to me, is an honest musician. And there aren't too many of them in the entire world." -Marty Paich

"The lessons of jazz history suggests it is music made best by young men, but Pepper seemed to turn the tables on this truism. Has any saxophonist played with such newfound energy so late in life? His late recordings stand as crowning achievements in Pepper's career. Unlike virtually every other musician, Pepper created his greatest work at the end of his life, long after the glory days of West Coast Jazz had passed." -Ted Gioia

"You couldn't file him in a category. He wasn't L.A. cool, white bop, '50s or '80s, but an impassioned musician with an alto sax and a rhythm section that never completely satisfied him. Despite the facile cliches of the music he mastered, he made you know that, facility and cliches notwithstanding, no one else could ever play like that." -Gary Giddins

Annual Flagfest

The Thugs (Florida State) beat the Thugs (Miami) last night 13-10. Seriously- everytime these two gangs hit the field, they can't seem to get through two consecutive plays without a fucking penalty. I haven't seen anything like that since the Anita Bryant concert.

Finally!

Football season is finally here, and I'm heading to T-town in the morning to get my game on. The humidity is waning and the air is starting to cool off. Damn I love this time of year.

Terror in the Aisles

Today I was at Sam's Club and was carting along minding my own business when I decided to try one of the food samples they were offering near the frozen meats. I approached the older lady who was serving General Tso's chicken and noticed that she had one piece left but was cooking a fresh batch. I reached for the toothpick holding the piece of chicken in place and the lady literally slapped my hand away and said "NO! You wait 'til your're served!" and tossed the piece of chicken into the garbage. I walked away shocked, not believing what had just happened. What the hell was her problem anyway? I promptly found a manager and reported her ass.

What has happened to customer service in this country? Is it just me or am I forced to deal with more and more rude people in the food/grocery industry? You don't have to kiss my ass, but expect to face the consequences when you treat the customer like shit.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 2

1. Decaf. What's the point?
2. Driving in the left lane. You have two choices: go or get out of the way. It's that simple.
3. Hip-hop.
4. Tom Waits. His voice is painful to listen to.
5. The green tea phenomenon.
6. Why most women have at least 15 hair and skin products in their showers.
7. Soccer.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 1

1. Women
2. Men who wear pink shirts
3. Men who wear visors anywhere but on a golf course (and even then it's somewhat questionable)
4. Women
5. Being an Auburn fan.
6. Being a Tennessee fan.
7. Reality television
8. Hunting for sport
9. Some men's fascination with those motorcycles with the high-pitched engines that weave past you at 150 mph on the interstate.
10. Women
11. People who enjoy the harmonica. It gets really old after about 5 minutes.
12. Bloody Mary's. I'm sorry- I just think the whole concept is disgusting.
13. People who laugh at loud while watching the Fandango/Movietickets.com commercials in movie theaters.
14. Men who wear madras shorts
15. Why/how it is possible for me take a shower, shave, get dressed and be ready to go out in less than 30 minutes but women take forfuckingever to shower, dry their hair, put on 7 different makeup appliances, pick out the right outfit, get dressed, check the makeup again for touch-ups, put on jewelry, etc. (this is a variation of #'s 1,4 and 10)

Poor Pluto

A recent decision by MIT spells out certain basic tests that celestial objects will have to meet before they can be considered for admission to the elite cosmic club of planetary inclusion. For now, membership will be restricted to the eight "classical" planets in the solar system: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

Much-maligned Pluto doesn't make the grade under the new rules for a planet: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit." Pluto is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune's.

SONOFABITCH!! All that time I wasted on those fucking planet mobiles I made in elementary school - I'll never get it back.

The End of an Era

Sadly, I found out today that The Booth, a Tuscaloosa landmark of 25 years, will be closing its doors in a few months. The Booth's owner said he was notified Thursday that the building had been sold and that he had until the end of November to vacate. Although a university spokesbitch denied the claim, it's rumored that the U of A is purchasing the building in their continuing plan of "cleaning up" The Strip.

I'm reminded of a story that I heard for the 100th time last night, and each time it gets better. My old band, The Inlaws (from which the photo you see of me in the top right corner was taken), were playing one night many years ago. There were some sorostitutes mingling outside debating amongst themselves whether or not to fork over the outrageous $2 cover charge. As we finished a song and my compatriot, M.P. Nelson, hovered over the doorway from stageright, he noticed these brainiacs outside.

"HEY! You goddamn carpetbaggers need to either come on in or take it up the street to the fuckin' Hound's Tooth!," he exclaimed over the microphone for all of University Boulevard to hear.

Needless to say, the girls stared at him in horror (from either being offeded or horrified-probably both) and walked away in disgust. It was truly a classic moment. I'm going to miss the sights, sounds and smells of that place.