Goin' Postal

Latest headline from California: 'Ex-Postal Employee Kills Six, Then Herself'

Why do we continue to be deluded with incidents like this? What is it about working for the U.S. Postal Service that turns innocent citizens into Son of Sam wannabes? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

9/11/13 - 1/26/83

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

This week Stephen King is releasing his new book, called Cell. King's latest is based on his own fantasy (as well as mine) about the best thing that can happen to the incessant, mindless yakkers that are better known as cell phone users. On any given day, anyone who is talking on a cellphone becomes a victim of "The Pulse," a worldwide act of terrorism turns cellphone users into zombie-like, bloodthirsty "phone-crazies."

I say AMEN to this premise. I could go on all day about what pisses me off about cell phone users, but the one thing that stands out above all others is the annoyingly deafening volume at which countless squawkers feel is necessary in order for their dipshit counterpart on the other end to hear them. This is especially true in airports, where for some reason people feel the need to equal the dB level of the very planes that they're about to board. Hey emcee, do us all a favor and try using a normal speaking voice just one time while you're on your cell phone. I GUARANTEE you that the person on the other end can and will hear you. Thanks and fuck you very much.

I Say Beat 'em

Would someone please explain the concept of "time out" to me? I understand what it is, I just question the effectiveness of this "punishment". Whatever happened to the good old days when children got the crap beat out of them when they misbehaved? When I was growing up, I got spanked with whatever tool was available- a belt, brush, stick, wooden spoon or just the classic hand pop. These days, we coddle our kids entirely too much. As the prophet Bill Hicks once said, you're kids are NOT special.

Frullets

One trend I've noticed recently with high school and college aged guys (at least in this area) is the male bang or front mullet (frullet if you will) haircut. These guys will wear caps that either ride up with the bill so their hair is hanging across the front, or they'll wear their caps down real tight and then take them off to reveal a frontal "hair flip". Who in the hell started this craze and what the hell were they thinking? Do chicks actually go for this look? Hey guys- you look like imbeciles!

Am I just getting old?

Men Who Spit

What is it with men who feel the need to hock a loogie wherever and whenever they please? I can't tell you how many times I've been forced to witness this disgusting act- standing in a food line at an outdoor fair, leaning out a car at a stop light, even one guy at work who spits his dip in my garbage can. I'm tired of these macho lugheads who launch loogies from their mouth with a “kkkrrrwack—pttuu!”. Why can't they stick with traditional bad male habits like farting and belching? At least I don't have to worry about stepping in a fart, unless that individual draws mud of course...

Lock up the women and children...

Soon to be returning to your town - The Inlaws are saddling up again. Stay tuned for more details...

Requiem For Chuck

Last weekend Bama lost Chuck Davis, a senior and one of my all-time favorite Tide players, for the season. Basketball season is officially over.

Brokeback Mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend and it was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I've had several male friends tell me that there's no way they'll be seeing it, no matter how good it is. Well guys, I don't know about you but I'm rather open-minded and comfortable with my sexuality. Grow some fucking balls. And to Larry Miller, the Utah theater chain owner who pulled the movie at the last minute even though he bought the film in good faith, promoted it and sold tickets to eager patrons- Go fuck yourself.

By the way, the poster you see above is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Dear Best Buy...

No, I don't want to give you my phone number. No, I don't have nor want a Best Buy Rewards card. And no, I don't want a subscription to Time, Sports Illustrated or Entertainment Weekly magazine. I just want to pay for my shit and LEAVE!

Matt Whinart

So I'm sitting there on my couch taking in what I've just witnessed- one of the greatest college football games I've ever seen. Texas had just defeated USC in an epic Rose Bowl matchup in which (CLICHE ALERT) it really was a shame for either team to lose. Then Matt Leinart has to go and ruin it for himself and his team by saying to an ABC reporter, "I still think we have a better team- they just made the right plays when they had to."
Blah blah blah you fucking whiner. Your team was just beaten fair and square on the field of play, so shut up and deal with it. THEY beat YOU, so TEXAS is the better team.

It's Bad!

Hats off to the Jamie Christensen and the Tide for the ugliest made field goal in the history of mankind.

Are These Really Necessary?

Could someone please explain to me why my taxes are paying for the police to drive around in SUV's? Yes I know, regular police cars guzzle gas too, like a cheap whore guzzles...well, you get the picture. If these guys were chasing Bo and Luke offroad through rough country terrain, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I live in the friggin' city and there is just just no need for these vehicles in my local police department. It makes about as much sense as my mother driving one (as a matter of fact she does, and we give her shit about it all the time). Stupid bastards.

No more for me, thanks.

Have you ever had one of these overzealous servers who feels it necessary to refill your damn glass every 45 seconds? Hey chief- I'll need a refill when it's gone, not after I've taken three sips. It takes painstaking detail to get just the right mixture of sweetner and/or lemon juice in a glass of tea or water. Don't these idiots realize that they're upsetting this delicate flavor balance with every pour? Go make yourself useful and mop the floor or re-adjust your flair buttons. Come on folks, use your heads!

Ashamed to be Caucasian, Part 1

I played a lame gig the other night and everything was going along as planned- it was beginning to wind down and it looked like we'd be getting out of there early. Then lo and behold, some bitch had to get out on the dance floor and start the electric slide.

"Do you guys know anything upbeat that we can to the electric slide to?" Lady, we're an acoustic act. Anyhow, she succeeded in recruiting enough folks to attempt to follow along with this banal party ritual.

What is it with white people that they feel the need to embarrass themselves on the dance floor? And don't get me started on country line dancing. First of all, as the prophet George Carlin once said, white people have no business dancing whatsoever. There's a reason why Auburn University offers a degree in Poultry Science- to keep white folks off the dance floor and tending to activities that better suit them. Fellow Caucasians, let's try to keep our collective eye on the ball. Mm'k?

Hell

Hell is where I live. It's also known as Hoover, the city in which I've lived for almost 7 years. This is a city whose government has continually raped its own land for the past 30 years in order to build endless commercial and residential developments in order to draw shoppers and residents to their area. In the process, the city has grown exponentially into a wasteland of excess. The largest mall in the state, The Riverchase Galleria, is located there and I just happen to live next to it. Galleria traffic has always been problematic during the holidays and this year has been by far the worst.

The city attempeted to alleviate the congestion problems several years ago by constructing a flyover off the main interstate with its own exit to the mall. The first Christmas after it was completed was actually quite calm in terms of traffic flow. I guess they decided that was entirely too efficient, so they built an outdoor shopping center right next to the Galleria called Patton Creek. And now they've screwed themselves and everyone else who has to drive near this mess on a daily basis. It is an absolute traffic nightmare. And it keeps getting worse with current and future developments as far as the eye can see down Highway 150. Serenity now! Calgon take me away!

Tebow or Not Tebow? That is the question.

How pathetic has my life become that my relative happiness and well-being is wholly dependant upon the decision of an 18 year-old kid living on the planet of Florida?

U R GAY

I hate personalized license plates. These miniature billboards contain messages that are: a) really stupid jokes or attempts at wordplay - i.e. JUST CRUZN; b) an attempt at some serious message that the rest of us could give two shits about - i.e. J DIED 4U; c) some inside humor that the other 100 million drivers don't get or don't care about. And the worst part is that these geniuses think they are being so incredibly clever when in fact they are guilty of pure, unadulterated faggotry. If you're one of the thousands of losers who fall into the category of vanity plate owner, please do me and everyone else a favor and kill yourself now. Thank you.

The Death Of Music, Part 3

Antony and The Johnsons - another weird and shitty band that I saw on TV. This guy/gal has some kind of transgender thing going and apparently doesn't like to be photographed. On this 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death, it perturbs me that we continue to be inundated with this kind of crap on the airwaves.

The Death Of Music, Part 2

Carlos Santana Fragrance for men and women. No other words are necessary.