No Mas!

I'm sorry that a child had to die as a result, but I've about had it with the JonBenet Ramsay story. The media has taken this story and run like the wind. I haven't talked to a single person who gives a turd about this anymore. There's just one aspect of this that I find remotely interesting, and that has to do with the alleged murderer, John Mark Karr. This guy is just plain freaky looking. Is it just me or does he look like a washed up 80's British pop star? Say for example, Kevin Rowland of Dexy's Midnight Runners? I rest my case. Incidentally, this is the gayest album cover of all time:

Not Very Sporty

According to authorities, Troy Lee Gentry, half of the country music duo Montgomery Gentry, has been charged with killing a tame bear and then making it look as if it was a hunting trophy. I'm not sure which one this is, but I think the one who wears the duster and wide-brimmed cowboy hat is a total tool.

According to an indictment unsealed this week, in October 2004 Gentry paid $4,650 to shoot the "trophy-caliber" bear named "Cubby" at the Minnesota Wildlife Connection in northern Minnesota, which advertises itself as a place where animals can be photographed in the wild.

WTF?

"Baby Fishmouth!"

R.I.P. Bruno Kirby.

Ashamed to be Caucasian, Part Deux

I went to see Steely Dan/Michael McDonald in Atlanta Monday night and it was a great show. But I'm going to have to revisit a subject I first touched on here. Once again, my fair-skinned brethren have let me down. For three hours, I was forced to endure the ritual of watching 50-something white men and women in all their collective glory. Honest to God, is there anything more pathetic than a bunch of over the hill white folks dancing like buffoons as if they were at their 40 year high school reunion? It's very sad. But what's more sad is the realization that I'm headed down that road myself. I feel like gettin' my groove on already...

And Leon's Getting Laaaaarger!

I think Coach Mikey has been spending a little too much time at Dreamland this summer.

Sea of Ass

A couple of weeks ago someone referred to a wedding reception party as a "sea of ass", and I had to agree with him. However, this past weekend I discovered groundzero for THE Sea of Ass- the NYC Chelsea/meatpacking district. A friend and me went to NY/NJ to visit another old buddy who lives in Jersey (30 miles outside of NYC) and he took us out on the town Friday and Saturday night.

I have no shame in admitting that we basically ended up as walking boners (I'm a dirty old man and proud of it.). At one point we spent about a half hour just standing on a street corner offering commentary/critique about everyone who walked by. As much as I dislike reality TV, I think we stumbled upon an interesting premise for one of these shows. Just the three of us in a 10 foot tall tower with headset microphones, commenting on the pedestrians walking by below us. I'm calling NBC today.

Hey look! I'm on TV!

Do people not realize how stupid they look when they wave like idiots into a tv camera? I see this every morning on the Today show while I'm getting dressed for work. Normally ordinary citizens turn into narrow-minded buffoons at the sight of a television camera and monitor.

But nothing is more dorky than the moron (usually at a sporting event- especially behind home plate) who waves to the camera while calling a buddy on their cell phone. They should authorize stadium ushers to shoot these people on sight- or at least immediately remove them from the premises.

Penises, Butts and Poop

My cousin recently gave birth to her third boy. Having grown up the oldest of three boys and seen the effect it's had on my mother, I personally think anyone who has two boys and would risk having a third is a fucking idiot. But I digress.

Anyway, I went to visit the birth suite and as the middle child (Miles) was holding his newborn brother in his lap, the following dialogue ensued:

Miles: "Mommy, does he have a penis?"

Mommy: "Yes Miles."

Miles: "Mommy, does he have a butt?"

Mommy: "Yes Miles, just like you."

Ten seconds of silence.

Miles: "Mommy, does he poop?"

Mommy: "Yes Miles."

Me: Laughing my ass off.

R.I.P. Luke/Roy L. Fuchs

The late great Jack Warden.

Yahoo

I saw this morning that Yahoo's stock has taken a dramatic dip. That got me thinking about Yahoo Serious, the comedian from down under who starred as Young Einstein in the 80's and proceed to drop off the face of the earth. What the hell ever happened to that guy? He was hyped as being the next great comedic superstar and then went AWOL. I guess by now he's hunting crocs and sipping Fosters in the outback with Paul Hogan.

Take a Bow, Auburn Fans

Academic fraud: one more in a long line of accomplishments for Auburn University, including cool mailboxes.

27 Yanni Fans Can't Be Wrong

There's a forty-something year-old woman that I've seen at the gym where I work out who likes to wear her "Yanni Live" tour t-shirt. Now, I'm not going to harp on some woman's musical taste but why in the world would you want to let people know that not only are you a Yanni fan but that you actually forked out God knows how much dough to see him live AND buy a t-shirt to wear as proof?

Ummm, okay...

Mickey Rourke is a sick bastard. This is a newsflash I just saw:

Hollywood star MICKEY ROURKE has an unusual way of dealing with his anger - he cuts off his finger. The actor was taken to hospital and had to endure eight hour surgery to save his finger. Rourke is no stranger to violence, he trained as a boxer in his youth and took a five year break from his acting career to take the sport up professionally. The eccentric star says, "I cut my little finger off because I thought I didn't want it. I was angry about something so I decided I didn't need the end of the little finger on my left hand. "I didn't cut it off completely - it was still hanging on a tendon - and an English friend, GARY, carefully carried the end of it as we went to hospital to try to rectify the situation. It took the surgeon eight hours to sew it back on. I still can't bend it properly."

I Call Bullshit, Ken

Ken Lay (allegedly) died of a heart attack in Colorado. His death was confirmed by a secretary and a family spokesperson. How about a doctor's confirmation? I smell bullshit. I think Kenny pulled an Elvis and faked his own death in order to avoid getiing buttreamed in prison. Right now he's probably sitting in Canada sipping a latte.

Happy Birthday USA!

Movie Theater Etiquitte

Went to see Superman Returns last night and it's actually very good. Of course, it would've been much more enjoyable had some people followed some simple rules of etiquitte. Now, I've found that talkers and cell phone users are really not a problem at most movies. It really depends on what kind of film you're seeing. If you're going to see something that carries over into the teenage demographic (i.e. most screwball comedies), you just have to deal with it. You can't control 13 year-olds, especially when they're in a group. I know because I myself was once one of those obnoxious a-holes.

The main culprits of the ruination of the movie-going experience are the latecomers. Now, I'll (reluctantly) grant these people the first 15 minutes of previews due to long ticket and food lines, although I can't understand not allowing yourself extra time if it's a new release. What kills me are the folks who show up 30 minutes after showtime when the movie is already well into the first act. They should just lock the friggin' doors 15 minutes past showtime and install bathrooms inside the theater. Alas, it's only a pipedream.

Axl Pose - WTF?

Axl's at it again. And I hate to say it but he's looking buttass ugly these days.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -Axl Rose was arrested early Tuesday after allegedly biting a security guard in the leg in a hotel scuffle, police said. The Guns N' Roses frontman was held on suspicion of attacking and threatening the guard and causing damage to the Berns Hotel, said police spokeswoman Towe Hagg.

"He was deemed too intoxicated to be questioned right away," Hagg told The Associated Press. She said a prosecutor will decide whether to press charges.

It was unclear what caused the fight, but Swedish tabloids said the guard tried to intervene when the 44-year-old rocker started arguing with a woman in the hotel lobby. Police officer Fredrik Nylen was quoted by the daily Aftonbladet Web site as saying Rose acted aggressively toward police and had to be "handcuffed and restrained."

"He kept a high profile, so to speak," Nylen was quoted as saying.

Guns N' Roses played a concert in Stockholm's Globe Arena on Monday night, and had been partying at a well-known nightclub before the scuffle, Aftonbladet said.

Random Conversation

"Hey Bobby- I don't know about you but my ass is awful sore from getting buttreamed over the past few weeks. You got any aloe?"

Breakin' The Law

I rolled through a stop sign yesterday and got a ticket. Those bastards actually had a roadside sting operation set up specifically to catch people rolling through that particular sign. They cited myself and two others. Meanwhile, white windowless rape vans with Texas plates sped through the interstates of downtown B-ham carrying drugs and illegal aliens.

The Freefallin' Braves

Losers of 14 out of their last 17 and now 13 games out of first. Well done boys!

Ah, the magic of Photoshop.