Indifference

March Madness started this past weekend and I can't ever recall a year in which I was less interested in the tournament, the main reason being my utter frustration with Bama's season. I'm just ready to move on to baseball (Braves) and football (St. Nick) spring training. Another reason for my disinterest is my not wanting to get my ass kicked in the bracket pool like I have every year. So I decided not to participate in one. Then I got an e-mail to join an online bracket pool with three other people with no money involved. Since I was at work, I of course took 20 minutes to fill it out. Lo and behold I've ended up picking 13 of the Sweet 16 teams correctly. Just my luck - the one year I DON'T bet any $$$, I end up being a friggin' genius. Then again, I had Maryland beating Florida to get to the Final Four, so what the hell do I know anyway.

Bizarre Moment of the Week, er, Year, um, Ever

The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony was last night live and uncut on VHI Classic. And I watched every bit of that four hour monstrosity. Why? Because two of my all-time favorite bands, R.E.M. and Van Halen, were inducted. Each of these bands has had an enormous effect on me in ways that are as different as the bands themselves. In fact, it would be difficult to choose two more polar opposite artists in terms of music and presentation. The inductions were well worth the wait, in spite of 3/4 of the original VH lineup being absent from the proceedings.

Each artist, including the other inductees- Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five, The Ronettes and Patti Smith (who I've only recently begun to admire)- had a short film and introduction shown in their honor. They would then accept their award and step over to the music stage where they would perform. Patti Smith rocked, R.E.M rolled and Velvet Revolver did only God knows what to the VH classic, Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love. The bizarre moment occurred at the end of the show during the all-star jam segment. These were the participants onstage at the same time: Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Peter Buck, Keith Richards, Eddie Vedder, Stephen Stills, Patti Smith, Lenny Kaye, Ronnie Spector, Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, Paul Schaeffer and members of Grandmaster Flash. An interesting collection indeed.

Just Another Reason To Be Worried About Our Country's Future...

One of the many movies I watched during my recovery last weekend was the new David Fincher film, Zodiac. It was unlike most of his other works such as Seven, Fight Club and Panic Room, in that the intensity was more cerebral and less about attempting to shock or scare the audience. Zodiac reminded me very much of Oliver Stone's JFK by accumulating many facts, speculation and characters to create a fascinating canvas of historical theory. Basically, it was a thinking man's serial killer movie.

Which made me all the more saddened the other day when I happened to look up the weekend box office results to find that Wild Hogs earned $39.7 million to beat out Zodiac's $13 million for the top movie of the weekend. Come on America. Wild Hogs?!? Are you friggin' kidding me? Don't get me wrong- I like my fair share of moronic comedies. But has anyone actually watched this trailer and thought they were seeing the next Old School? I just don't see it.

Surgery Epilogue

The blood on my bathtroom floor was surprisingly easy to clean up, although there are still remnants in the grout between the floor tiles. I'm gonna have to use a toothbrush to get to it. I don't think I'd make it as a serial killer- there are just too many details to consider. Gil Grissom would have a field day in my bathroom. One spray of that blue glow in the dark spray shit and my ass would be toast.

On another note, I learned something valuable from this experience. I'm normally a shower person but I've been having to take baths the last few days to keep my forehead from getting wet. I hadn't taken a bath in a regulation sized bathtub since I was a kid. Back then I used to enjoy launching my body lengthwise back and forth to create a wave pool in my tub. Much to mom's chagrin, however, it also meant that an inch of water ended up on the bathroom floor ("DAMN YOU BOYS TO HELL!!!"). Ah, the good old days. Well, let's just say that I don't exactly fit into a tub as well as I used to. I felt like Andre The Giant trying to fit into an airline seat in the coach section. Also, because I've had to keep my head dry, I haven't washed my hair in four days. What a nice oily sheen ny hair has. God I can't wait until I can shower again tomorrow. Peace be with you.

Random Notes from Surgery: My Very Own Crime Scene, My Twin, etc.

Last Friday I had an outpatient procedure done to remove a teratoma cyst from my forehead, and it turned out to be quite an adventure. Although the doc used a local anesthetic and I didn't feel any pain, it was still quite a discomfort to have him cutting and tugging on my head while I'm imagining the worst. Once he got in there, he determined that what I had wasn't what he originally thought (a lipoma). He said it was something that probably started in the embryonic stage and slowly grew over the years. In fact, he said my particular case was unusual ("case of the week," he said) in that he found some hairs inside the cyst. Naturally, I immediately got excited and asked about the possibility that I had devoured a twin inside the womb. "Ummm...no," was his response. He stitched it up and sent me on my merry way.

So I got home and prepared for a day of relaxation with a few movies and some reading. A couple of hours later, I went in my bathroom to relieve myself when all of a sudden I started bleeding profusely from my head. As you can see from the photo above, it was coming out pretty good. Now, I may have had stitches nine times- enough times to know that head wounds bleed worse than other injuries- yet it was still freaky enough for me to be more than a little worried. I grabbed a towel and started putting pressure on my head. I jumped in my car and hauled ass out of there. I called the doc's office and was told to come back to them.

Now their office is in the city of Vestavia, which is right next to the city of Hoover (where I live). Needless to say, the usual traffic laws did not apply. I was barrelling up Hwy. 31 running red lights and passing people on the shoulder. Before long, I saw a Hoover cop in an SUV and flagged him down. I pointed to the bloody towel I was holding to my head while I explained the situation and asked if he could give me an escort to my doc's office in Vestavia. "I CAN'T GO INTO VESTAVIA!" he shouted. Great. I floored it and left him in the dust, breaking countless laws as he watched. Once I made it out of the Hoover city limits, I saw a Vestavia cop at a traffic light and flagged him down. Once again I explained the situation WHILE HOLDING A BLOODY TOWEL TO MY HEAD, mind you, telling him where my doc's office was and asking for an excort. He pointed toward the direction I was heading and calmly said, "Oh yeah, his office is located right up there...yada yada yada..." Unbelievable. I didn't wait to hear what else he had to say. Once again I floored it and left him in my rear view mirror. What helpful policemen we have in this town. In spite of them, I finally made it to my doc's office. He cleaned me up, redressed my wound and explained that it was nothing to worry about. The blood had simply collected in the void where my twin, er, cyst used to be. I spent the rest of the weekend watching movies and playing a lame gig. I'll live.

Thoughts On Oscar 2007: Charles Jefferson, Ellen, Shadow Dancers, etc.

Another Oscar show is in the bag and here's my initial reaction. Overall, I thought the show was boring and looooooooooooong, even more so than usual. I love Ellen Degeneres but I thought she could've done better. Her opening monologue really wasn't that funny and her performance throughout was victimized by boring production. And the "home movie" segment before she came on was a nice idea but ended up being flat and dull due to the less famous nominees who participated.

There are still too many bullshit segments. The "movies in America" montage was unnecessary, as are most montages. The Foreign Language film montage? Zzzz. The Ennio Morricone honorary Oscar, while nice, was marred by the fact that apparently no one was prepared for his acceptance to be spoken in his native Italian tongue. What an awkward moment that was. And the Celine Dion number that was tacked on was a waste. The Will Ferrell/Jack Black/John C. Reilly number was amusing and welcome. But WTF was the deal with the silhouette dancers/shape shifters? That was just Dullsville.

As far as the awards themselves, there were really no surprises except for Alan Arkin's win. Congrats to Forest Whitaker, aka Charles Jefferson from Fast Times At Ridgemont High ("Don't FUCK with it"), for winning Best Actor. Also, kudos to Marty and The Departed for their wins. Overall, I give the show a C-. I hope Ellen gets another shot. Peace out.

P.S. With Forest Whitaker's win, that makes three former Fast Times actors who've won Oscars (Sean Penn, Nicolas Cage are the other two).

Bummed

I wish I was gay. Or something like that. The reason? I'm tired of my teams letting me down. I'm just tired of sports period. And most gay guys (at least the ones I know) don't care much for sports. They're more concerned with other things. They don't get their hearts broken every year over and over and over and over. What am I saying anyway? I need some sleep. At least I'm not a Cubs fan, I guess. Peace out.

Low Rent Robber

Here's one for the "World's Dumbest Criminals" blotter. This morning on the news there was a report about a local Dollar General store that had been robbed. I'm no expert but wouldn't it make more sense to select a little more higher end establishment? Whether you're stealing merchandise or money from the register, what's the most you're walking out with? A coupla hundred bucks perhaps?

This Week's Foot In Mouth Award Goes To...

...Big Ten Conference commissioner Jim Delany. Regarding the recent dominance of the SEC in football recruiting, this guy had the audacity to make the following comments on the Big Ten web site:

"I love speed and the SEC has great speed, especially on the defensive line, but there are appropriate balances when mixing academics and athletics," wrote Delany on the Big Ten website.

"I wish we had (seven) teams among the top 10 recruiting classes every year, but winning our way requires some discipline and restraint with the recruitment process," Delany wrote.

He also went on to say, "Not every athlete fits athletically, academically or socially at every university. Fortunately, we have been able to balance our athletic and academic mission so that we can compete successfully and keep faith with our academic standards."

How holier than thou of you, Jim. So Jim, you're basically saying that you refuse to compromise ethics and academics when it comes to recruiting, and that's why your coaches got their asses handed to them on signing day? What a load of crap. Yes, the SEC has had its share of troubles with the NCAA- they've had 21 incidents of major violations since 1989. But guess what? The Big Ten has had 17 run-ins during that same time period. You're conference isn't exactly a bunch of teetotalers either. Have you forgotten about Maurice Clarett? The Michigan basketball scandal? Academic fraud at Minnesota? Point shaving at Northwestern? Let's think before we throw stones next time.

Damn! That's what I call a MILF...er GILF.

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Random Why's...

Why is the media so obsessed with anna Nicole Smith? What exactly did she contribute to the world anyway?

Why do drivers freak out when it rains? Go already!

Why do men still have mullets? Don't you think by now that they'd realize that the world has been making fun of them for years now?

And speaking of men and their hair, why must they continue to apply products that spike their hair up? I'm especially talking to the Clausen brothers.

Why can't I stop watching the "To Catch a Predator" series on Dateline NBC? And why do these idiots keep falling for it?

Why does anyone care about the Grammy Awards?

Why do I have such a man-crush on Nick Saban?

Why do birds sing so gay?

Why are robots stealing my luggage?

I'm Not Sure What To Feel

One of my all-time favorite bands, The Police, have announced that they'll be reuniting for the Grammys next month. I'm torn between thinking this is cool and thinking it's complete waste of time. When they broke up twentysomething years ago, it was sad knowing that they'd never play together again. At the time, they were at their peak, having accomplished everything they could possibly imagine. They were the biggest band in the world. But it was also very cool to see someone go out on top for a change.

For years I hoped that they would get over their issues and reunite. But then around the early 90's, Sting apparently had his ballsack removed and started putting out total crap (remember that stupid song/chant that was in that car commercial?). I started to realize that The Police not getting back together wasn't such a bad idea after all. Then in 2003, they were inducted into the R&R Hall of Fame and indeed reunited to perform several songs. It was okay but they had certainly lost their edge. No matter how good they were back in the day, they just couldn't replicate the same sound and energy that they had once commanded with ease. It was then that I realized that they had made the right decision not to ever reunite, and I made peace with myself about it. And now this. I just have a bad feeling about it, especially when they're choosing the pointless fucking Grammy Awards ceremony as a launching point. But of course I'll watch because the tool in me won't let me NOT watch.

TT Throws Tantrum, Has A Revelation

I was sitting at home Tuesday night, suffering through yet another Tide basketball meltdown vs. Auburn when I finally lost control and threw my TV remote to the floor. Naturally, it came apart and a 1/2" nut connected to a small square piece of plastic came tumbling out of the inside. I was able to snap it back together, albeit sans nut, and alas, it didn't work. My remote, and in a small way my life, was broken.

So I made the dreadful drive to Charter headquarters, fully expecting to pay God knows how much for a new remote and receive a stern lecture from the always pleasant Charter window teller. There was of course a line, so as I was standing there I noticed a woman behind the teller windows motioning towards me.

She as holding a brand new bubble wrapped remote in her hand and mouthed the words, "Do you need this?"

I said, "Um...yeah," and walked forward to make the exchange with no questions asked.

"Is that it?" I asked, not sure what to do next.

She nodded and I immediately got the hell out of there before the cable police could come after me. As I walked to my car, I reflected on what had just taken place. I took a broken DVR remote control to Charter and had it replaced at no charge and with no questions asked. Do you realize what this means? I can pretty much chunk my remote anytime I want without fear of consequences. I keed- I won't really do that. Okay, maybe once.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT THERE?!?"

There's a classic video clip of Vince Lombardi yelling those exact words from the sideline during a game when his team wasn't performing particularly well. That's my current feeling about the Bama basketball team. What was once a giddy feeling about our basketball team's prospects this season has turned into a nightmare. Having grown up during the Wimp Sanderson era, it's unfathomable to me for a Tide team to play such poor defense. Wimp's mantra was "if you don't play defense, you don't play." Mark Gottfried needs to get nasty on his team and bring them back down to earth or else it's gonna get even uglier.

Don't Give Fat Phil Any Ideas

Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl decided to mingle with the student dorks at last night's UT women's basketball game by going shirtless and painting himself orange with a "V" on his chest. I'm speechless other than to say what a friggin' loser. I can only pray for the love of everything good and holy that Fat Phil doesn't follow suit.

Oh My God! Sleet!

I was flipping channels last night and happened upon a segment on Fox 6 News called "Sleet Sighting". They had a reporter on location standing next to a car with sleet on it. Not snow. Sleet. I shit you not. Every year we're inundated with local newscasts freaking out over the threat of snow flurries, but sleet?!? I know I've gone off on weather morons before, but this is getting ridiculous. And people in the south wonder why northerners make fun of us...

American Bad Ass

The helmet, the mirrored sunglasses, the moustache, the headset communicator, the leather jacket, the black boots, the badge, the overwhelming need to compensate for being a complete loser in high school. Is there anything cooler than being a motorcycle cop?

Way to go Suckeyes!

Kudos to the national media and all the Big Ten asslickers out there for corrrectly predicting an Ohio State blowout. It was a blowout alright. Although I still hate Florida, it was nice to see OSU get their asses handed to them by an SEC team. Incidentally, here's a rundown of OSU's recent bowl record against SEC teams:

Sugar 1/1/78 - Alabama 35 Ohio State 6
Hall of Fame 1/1/90 - Auburn 31 Ohio State 14
Citrus 1/1/93 - Georgia 21 Ohio State 14
Citrus 1/2/95 - Alabama 24 Ohio State 17
Citrus 1/1/96 - Tennessee 20 Ohio State 14
Outback 1/1/01 - S. Carolina 24 Ohio State 7
Outback 1/1/02 - S. Carolina 31 Ohio State 28
BCS 1/8/07 - Florida 41 Ohio State 14

Nick!

Two Thumbs Down!

For those of you thinking about renting The Wicker Man - don't. You'd think that a movie with Nicolas Cage and Ellen Burstyn would be worth a crap but it's not. In fact, it might be one of the worst films that I've ever seen. Word.