Drinking, Charles Barkley, Elephants and More Drinking

The dreaded 40th birthday has arrived and I must say that I am proud of myself for accomplishing my goal of getting s**tfaced this past weekend. It started with a bang Friday night when me and my PharmHand bandmates arrived at Greybar to find out that Charles Barkley was in town and might be stopping by at some point. Apparently, he and the owner are big buddies. I filed that tidbit away and went about my business of rocking the house and drinking many brewskis.

Finally, around 1AM, in walks Charles Barkley himself. It just so happened that we were between songs, so I took it upon myself to call out Sir Charles over the microphone. "IT'S ABOUT F**KING TIME YOU GOT HERE!," I hollered as he walked in the door. He stopped briefly and turned toward the stage with a "Did I really just hear what I think I heard?" look on his face. "Oh shit," I thought to myself, and turned toward the rest of the band. "Um, okay - one, two, three..." Fortunately, nothing came of it. At 2AM, we were in the parking lot, ready to go home. I asked my faithful bandmate, Patrico Suave, if he was going to Buffalo Wild Wings to hang with our buddies there for a late night drink. Three beers, two Jaeger Bombs and two hours later, my head finally hit the pillow. I felt like ass on Saturday as a result. But I had to recover for...

Three Hour Tour Saturday night. We were set to play at our home away from home at The Brick in Decatur with a special guest - Steve Boyd of The White Animals, a musical idol from my youth. The shots started at 9:15 and continued through the night: Goldschlager, Jaegermeister, Maker's Mark - it was a plethora of libations. By the time we had made it to the second set, I was plastered and my liver was drowning. The third set doesn't exist for me, since I have no recollection of it whatsoever.




Today was the big day and I pulled into the parking lot at work to find a collection of elephants and footballs, as pictured above, from the company that displays those gay flamingos. Regardless, I received many lovely birthday wishes and gifts from many friends and family members. It's over now, so I can quit my bitching and get on with it. I'm still paying the price for my drunkenness over the weekend, but it was damn worth it. Peace out, bitches!

Old Concerts, Part 2

One of the greatest live bands I have ever seen, The Replacements made frequent appearances in these parts during the late 80's until their breakup in '91. I actually saw them a total of seven times, the most interesting being the opening slot with Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers in the summer of '89. I'll never forget this show, which was in Nashville. The Mats (as they were affectionately refferred to by their fans) had already endured a not so friendly Tom Petty fan base, who were simply not prepared for the contrast of The Mats' sloppiness compared to the professionalism of The Heartbreakers. Not only did the boys walk out onstage wearing dresses, they also proceeded to flip off the crowd while being booed. Classic.




Like The Police, Prince and VH, I was lucky enough to catch U2 at their absolute peak on the Joshua Tree tour. Despite having nosebleed seats at The Omni (so high up that we resorted to renting binoculars), it was still an incredible show.






In the summer of '89, my friend Dave S. and I did something I had never done and haven't done since - camped out for concert tickets. The Stones playing at Legion Field in B-ham was a HUGE deal at the time, but not as big of a deal as the face value of the tickets - $30.00! I know that sounds paltry considering how much concert tickets are these days but believe me, it was a big deal. Naturally, we didn't give a rat's ass. It was the Stones! The concert was truly a religious experience for me. I couldn't believe I was standing there watching The Rolling Freaking Stones. It was an out of body feeling that I've only had one other time at a concert - seeing Paul McCartney in '02.

I saw the Stones at Legion Field again in '94 but it just wasn't the same as seeing them for the first time. The other ticket stub from London was sent to me by my friend, Dave C., who saw them at Wembley Stadium on the Urban Jungle Tour of 1990.

The Worst Birthday

As the impending doom of turning 40 approaches, I'm reminded of another dreadful birthday from years ago - my 13th birthday. My friend, "W", had a patch of woods behind his house and the afternoon before the big day, he led my back there to see something he had hidden under some leaves. That "something" was a Hustler magazine. Now, I had sneaked into my parents' bedroom on several occasions to peak at my father's Playboys and had gazed with giddy excitement at the photos inside (and the articles of course). But nothing had prepared me for the pure bliss of Hustler's graphic shots of nether regions. I mean, I was 13 after all.

I sat on a tree stump and stared in amazement at each page with ecstasy while "W" took a leak behind a tree. Suddenly, there was buzzing all around me. Alas, I had sat/stepped on a yellow jacket's nest and now they were wailing on my horny ass. I threw the magazine down and started running while flailing away at the swarming insects as they stung me all over. By the time I made it home, I had been stung over 20 times, and there were still several live ones stuck in my hair. I ended up in the bath tub the rest of the day with meat tenderizer rubbed all over my body. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper.

My birthday party was scheduled the next day at Holiday Skating Rink, and the show went on as planned. Unfortunately, I was unable to do anything but stand at the door and wave stiffly as all my friends entered and proceeded to have all kinds of fun rollerskating to the hits of the day. I was miserable and in pain. I didn't tell my mom the real reason we were in the woods until years later. As with all the other incidents I disclosed over time, she just frowned, shook her head and wondered just where in the hell she had gone wrong.

Old Concerts, Part 1

My first concert was The Doobie Brothers in 1977 when I was in second grade, complete with the great Jeff "Skunk" Baxter jamming away with headphones on while sitting in a chair. The next shows I attended over the next several years included The Bee Gees, The Village People, Christopher Cross, Loverboy and The Police. At some point, I decided to start saving my ticket stubs, some of which you're about to see. I must disclose that I stole the idea for this post from my Spitball Army comrade. Sorry/thanks, Fred.






Last year marked the first R.E.M. tour since the '84 Reckoning tour that I didn't see at least one show. Both the '84 and '85 concerts were at the old Foster Auditorium in front of about 1000 people. The '85 show was special because we hung around afterward and met all of the band except Mike Mills. Peter Buck was wearing blue suede shoes and I decided right then that he was the coolest person in the world. I got each one to sign the back of my ticket stub, as you can see.




I was lucky enough to see Prince at his peak on the Purple Rain tour. The show went so well that a second show was immediately booked for an unusual Sunday afternoon show two weeks later at the same venue. I saw Prince again a few years ago and he was once again amazing - like he hadn't aged at all.





That same year I had the privilege of seeing another giant artist at their peak, the mighty Van Halen on their 1984 tour - their last with David Lee Roth until reuniting almost 25 years later. They absolutely f**king rocked that night. I remember buying a tour t-shirt at the show and wearing it to school the next day without washing it, wondering why it smelled so smoky and putrid. The next time I saw them in '86, they were fronted by Sammy Hagar. It was also the night I almost died thanks to Clark Cooper, who drove his mom's station wagon at 95mph down Red Mtn. Expressway.



Believe it or not, there was a time when Phil Collins wasn't necessarily considered cool, but he was not yet considered uncool.




Speaking of uncool, Bryan Adams became just that the night I saw him play "Summer of '69" and sing the lyric "Back in the summer of '85!" during the last chorus. I don't know who was more dorky at that moment, Adams or the thousands of tools who roared with approval.




This was the first concert that I was able to drive to with friends after getting my drivers license two months earlier. And what a pairing! About the only thing I remember was Night Ranger rising up from under the stage amid thick fog before launching into their opening number, "You Can Still Rock In America". Yes you can.




This was Sting's first solo tour after years of success with The Police, who I was fortunate enough to see on the Synchronicity tour. Great show, weird venue (Boutwell).

That Guy

In light of the unfortunate passing of John Hughes, I'm reminded of some of the great "who's that guy?" character actors that he utilized in most of his films. Here are some of my favorites:


J.T. Walsh

He was the man. J.T. was at his best when playing a low-key prick, as in The Client, Backdraft and Breakdown. But he also stole the show in money roles such as Blue Chips, Outbreak and my favorite, as Lt. Col. Markinson in A Few Good Men. Playboy once called him "everybody's favorite scumbag". A true American actor, Walsh died in 1998.


Paul Gleason

Gleason, like Walsh, was another classic actor best known for playing a series of laughable pricks. Probably best remembered as Richard Vernon in The Breakfast Club, Gleason played a series of similar roles in Johnny Be Good and Die Hard. Unfortunately, he also died a few years ago.


M. Emmet Walsh

Walsh has had a long and versatile career playing a variety of characters. He won several independent film awards for his private dick role in The Coen Brothers' first film, Blood Simple. My personal favorite films of his are as the can-hating sniper in The Jerk, the probing doctor in Fletch, and the bumbling sports fan attorney in Wildcats.


Ted Levine

If there's any doubt who this guy is, all you gotta know is "Buffalo Bill". His Jame Gumb character from Silence Of The Lambs is one of the most memorable yet disturbing movie villains of all time. These days, he's best known for his role as Leland Stottlemeyer on the show Monk. In between, he's been in such films as Heat and Switchback.


Barry Corbin

With his Texas twang and his authoritative presence, Corbin was memorable in many appearances over the years. His breakthrough performance was as Uncle Bob in the classic, Urban Cowboy. He also contributed mightily to Stir Crazy, Wargames and later in the TV hit, Northern Exposure. More recently, he played a key role in the Best Picture Winner, No Country For Old Men.

Pregger Parking

What is the deal with the pregnant/new mother parking at grocery stores? Is this fair? I don't think so. And before you women go off on me, think about this. When have you ever seen a pregnant woman carrying items to her car anyway? Stop thinking about it - you haven't. Pregnant women (and many women in general) utilize the service of bag boys/men helping them take grocery items to their cars. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm just waiting on the first female to chew me out in the parking lot for violating this request, which is what it is - a request. I challenge anyone to find a written law or ordinance that legally allows this entitlement. Unless men are granted similar parking privileges for recent hernia surgery, scrotal trauma, or something along those lines, then I call bulls**t on this one.

Aural Overkill

Why do so many restaurants have crappy music pumping through their sound systems? The ones that are trying to be urban hip are the worst offenders - Surin West is a prime example. Instead of a nice, relaxing background of jazz or mellow acoustic sounds, diners are continuously subjected to some of the worst pulsating techno-dance bewailing in all the world. Which industry geniuses out there decided that this particular genre would be effective for people trying to eat a decent meal? It's not a European transient lounge - it's a freaking restaurant. Let us eat in peace. Please.