The Hawk

For a change of pace, today I'll be singing praise rather than slinging a rant. I picked up a CD reissue of Coleman Hawkins' "The Hawk Relaxes" the other day and have enjoyed it immensely. Coleman Hawkins was the man. There aren't many men who ever blew the tenor with such a beautiful tone. I wish it hadn't taken me 33 years to develop an appreciation for jazz. Better late than never I guess.

Time to join the rest of us.

Dear restaurant owner-

I believe it's time to do away with something that should've been taken care of years ago- the glass ketchup bottle. For years your patrons have been shaking, banging and beating these goddamn things in hopes of creating just a little pile of ketchup on our plates. Instead, we inevitably end up with bruised hands, stained shirts and bitchy attitudes. Guess what? Plastic squeeze bottles have been in use by the general public for years now. Don't tell me that the reason you stick with the dinosaur bottles is because they can be re-filled. The last time I checked, squeeze bottles have tops that unscrew. So do us all a favor and get rid of these damn things. Thank you.

John Q. Public

Let The Madness Begin...

Here are the candidates for the next "Real Men of Genius" Bud light ad. I'm sure these cool guys will continue to make us proud during the tournament. Here's to you Mark's Madness members!

I Still Don't Know How To Quit You.

Same Siders

Today I feel like going off on "same siders" at restaurants. You know these couples. They're the ones who can't stand the thought of dining three feet away from each other. They feel compelled to sit on the same side of the table or booth so they can cuddle while they eat. These are the same people who ride right up next to each other in pick-up trucks. Hell, they also probably saw the "Love Toilet" skit on SNL and thought it was a good idea. Please stop doing this- you're making the rest of nauseous while we're trying to eat.

Green Green Grass of Home

What the hell is the deal with painted grass? More and more nowadays, people are opting for this ludicrous remedy for lawn treatment. Personally, I think grass that is so obviously painted green is a lot uglier than brown grass. I realize the purpose of this colored assjuice is to fertilize and that the green dye is used as a cosmetic marker. Doesn't matter. It's still uglier 'n shit. That's all I have to say about that.