Call Me Un-American...

...but count me as apparently the only American who has never liked the song, Sweet Caroline, by Neil Diamond. In fact, I hate it - everything about it. The lyrics, the melody, the "bam bam bam" in the chorus, the "So Good, So Good, So Good" repetition, the mindless way people dance and sing along to it anytime it is played, whether at a bar or a sports arena. And speaking of sports arenas, what is the origin of this song being a staple at Red Sox games? And why in the hell has it carried over to other sports venues (specifically to Coleman Coliseum, where I was forced to tolerate it yesterday)? While others smile with giddiness whenever it's played over a PA system, I have pangs of vomit inducing nausea. And anytime I tell anyone how much I abhor this song, they look at me as if I've just called their mother a whore. Don't get me wrong. I love me some Neil - just not this tune. Is there anyone else out there who has the same sense of revulsion that I do for this repetitious ditty?

Become A Judge, Get A TV Show

Is it just me or are there now a dozen court TV shows? One day I go to sleep and there's The People's Court. The next day I wake up and there's Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, Judge Alex, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Karen, Judge Mils Lane, Judge Maria Lopez, Judge Hatchett, and now even a gay judge - Judge David Young. If you own a black robe, you get to mediate a televised binding arbitration hearing. And don't get me started on the dickweed plaintiffs and defendants, who are apparently castoffs from The Jerry Springer Show. I miss the good ole days of the aforementioned People's Court with Judge Wapner. Judge Wapner was not a goofball like the others - Joseph Wapner was a badass and didn't take crap from anyone in his courtroom. Wapner rules.

No, We Should Say No To Her

I saw a news item the other day that Taylor Swift is going to do a guest spot on one of my favorite shows, CSI. Great. It seems that this little teenage diva is everywhere lately. She's number one on the album charts and has been on every music awards show, regardless of genre (she's supposed to be a country artist), SNL, The Today Show and The Golden Globes, as well as countless others that I'm sure I've missed. I don't know who her agent is, but they've obviously been working overtime to make sure their client wins the Attention Whore award. But Taylor is too young and stupid to see what is inevitably coming (if it hasn't already): backlash. She'd better enjoy it while she can because from what I've seen and heard, she's riding a wave that is definitely NOT being carried by talent. Hopefully, it'll be sooner than later. Get out of my life, Taylor, I've had enough.

The Slow Death of Beer Commercials

Having watched an obscene amount of football over the past couple of weeks, I've taken notice of the latest batch of beer commercials, most notably Bud Light's "Drinkability" campaign. What's happened to this once great institution? When I was a kid, nothing came close to topping the "Tastes Great, Less Filling" Miller Lite commercials that featured such classic pitchmen as John Madden, Billy Martin, Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith and Bob Uecker. They were timely, creative and funny as hell. Nowadays, however, the level of writing and acting talent displayed on beer ads is about as creative and funny as a prison rape. They've been on a steady decline for years but I finally had seen enough with the aforementioned Bud Light ads, which are just stupid. Bring back Madden, dammit!

Slash

When my brother gave me the not really new (it was published in 2007) Slash autobiography for Christmas, I was admittedly a little jealous of my other brother, whom he bought the new autobiography on Roger Moore. Having never been a huge fan of Guns 'N Roses while at the same time idolizing Moore as James Bond while growing up, I thought it was an interesting choice. After finally finishing the Slash book, I can honestly say that I'm glad I got what I got.

What an entertaining piece of work this turned out to be. Like I said, I was never a huge Guns fan. I've got the obvious songs in my iTunes library - Welcome To The Jungle, Paradise City, etc. But Slash has changed all that for me. He speaks quite candidly about his life as a rock star, sparing no person or incident in his brutally honest accounts of his rise to fame. I thought I had seen and heard it all when it comes to that lifestyle but I wasn't even close. Theft, booze, deadly reptiles, heroin, trashed vans and hotel rooms - that's all poppycock to a guy like Slash. This guy has done every drug and chick he could ever get his hands on. And how he lasted 10 minutes, much less 10 years, in a band with Axl Rose is beyond me.

As blurry as his mind must have been during his days as a drunk and a junkie (a "drunkie" if you will), he sure does remember a lot of details. Sketchy? Perhaps. But entertaining as hell. I was disheartened to finally reach the end. I highly recommend this book to anyone curious about the seedy underbelly of the LA rock scene of 80's/90's.

New Orleans Observations

First of all, I want to offer a sincere apology to all Bama fans out there - the loss was completely my fault. I have two shirts that I got this season to wear to games - a white one and a red one. I wore the white one to every game I attended this season and we won all of them (Clemson, Tulane, Ole Miss, Auburn). I bought the red shirt at some point mid-season but decided not to wear it while I was undefeated in the white shirt. Well, I took both to New Orleans but guess which one I decided to wear to the Sugar Bowl? That's right - the red one. So take heed fellow Bama fans, as I will be burning that shirt today. One good thing that came from the game is that I got to meet some of my boyhood heroes: Barry Krauss and Richard Todd as well as Vince and Barbara Dooley. Here are some of my observations from my first trip to the Big Easy in over 10 years:

- Utah fans are total tools. One even approached a friend of mine on New Year's Eve and said "You guys don't know football - we're gonna kick your ass!" Really? Alabama doesn't know football? That's like one of us saying that Utah doesn't know anything about skiing or polygamy. Of course, the way the game turned out, I guess we don't know shit after all.

- The barbecue shrimp at Mr. B's Bistro is to die for. I'd dip dried turds into that sauce and eat them if I had the chance.

- Pat O's Hurricanes will indeed knock you on your ass if you're not careful.

- The Hand Grenades at Tropical Isle are gay and nothing more than liquid candy with alcohol thrown in.

- Any band of old farts who performs with all of their instruments tuned down a half or whole step should not only be fired but shot as well. They're doing nothing more than flaunting a fake performance on an otherwise unaware audience. If you have to sing LOW harmony on a song that is already tuned DOWN, it's time to retire.

- Some guys have to learn that you don't just toss Mardi Gras beads to anyone who yells for them. You've got to make the chicks earn them, as several were more than willing to do.

- If you're a bouncer at a Bourbon St. bar, it's really not necessary to roll up your short sleeves to expose your big biceps. We get it - you're a badass, even if it is only in your own mind.

- Utah fans are total tools.

- Remember how The Booth in Tuscaloosa smelled? That's how all of New Orleans smells.

- There's something strangely disconcerting when walking Bourbon Street at 5am and realizing that the only folks left are hookers and vagrants. That's when you ask yourself just what the f**k you're doing up at 5am. Fat, drunk and stupid might be a fun way to go through college but now when you're on the cusp of the big 4-0.

- The PA announcer at the Superdome has a voice that is almost annoying as the one at Auburn. His voice sounds like he's pinching his nose while gargling semen (sorry - I just call 'em as a see, er, hear 'em).

- The outcome of the game was NOT Andre Smith's fault, as some have alleged. News Flash: Smitty does not play defense.

- If you're going to eat lunch at the Cracker Barrel in Slidell, LA, go ahead and clear your schedule for at least two hours.

- Did I mention that Utah fans are tools?