Are These Really Necessary?

Could someone please explain to me why my taxes are paying for the police to drive around in SUV's? Yes I know, regular police cars guzzle gas too, like a cheap whore guzzles...well, you get the picture. If these guys were chasing Bo and Luke offroad through rough country terrain, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I live in the friggin' city and there is just just no need for these vehicles in my local police department. It makes about as much sense as my mother driving one (as a matter of fact she does, and we give her shit about it all the time). Stupid bastards.

No more for me, thanks.

Have you ever had one of these overzealous servers who feels it necessary to refill your damn glass every 45 seconds? Hey chief- I'll need a refill when it's gone, not after I've taken three sips. It takes painstaking detail to get just the right mixture of sweetner and/or lemon juice in a glass of tea or water. Don't these idiots realize that they're upsetting this delicate flavor balance with every pour? Go make yourself useful and mop the floor or re-adjust your flair buttons. Come on folks, use your heads!

Ashamed to be Caucasian, Part 1

I played a lame gig the other night and everything was going along as planned- it was beginning to wind down and it looked like we'd be getting out of there early. Then lo and behold, some bitch had to get out on the dance floor and start the electric slide.

"Do you guys know anything upbeat that we can to the electric slide to?" Lady, we're an acoustic act. Anyhow, she succeeded in recruiting enough folks to attempt to follow along with this banal party ritual.

What is it with white people that they feel the need to embarrass themselves on the dance floor? And don't get me started on country line dancing. First of all, as the prophet George Carlin once said, white people have no business dancing whatsoever. There's a reason why Auburn University offers a degree in Poultry Science- to keep white folks off the dance floor and tending to activities that better suit them. Fellow Caucasians, let's try to keep our collective eye on the ball. Mm'k?

Hell

Hell is where I live. It's also known as Hoover, the city in which I've lived for almost 7 years. This is a city whose government has continually raped its own land for the past 30 years in order to build endless commercial and residential developments in order to draw shoppers and residents to their area. In the process, the city has grown exponentially into a wasteland of excess. The largest mall in the state, The Riverchase Galleria, is located there and I just happen to live next to it. Galleria traffic has always been problematic during the holidays and this year has been by far the worst.

The city attempeted to alleviate the congestion problems several years ago by constructing a flyover off the main interstate with its own exit to the mall. The first Christmas after it was completed was actually quite calm in terms of traffic flow. I guess they decided that was entirely too efficient, so they built an outdoor shopping center right next to the Galleria called Patton Creek. And now they've screwed themselves and everyone else who has to drive near this mess on a daily basis. It is an absolute traffic nightmare. And it keeps getting worse with current and future developments as far as the eye can see down Highway 150. Serenity now! Calgon take me away!

Tebow or Not Tebow? That is the question.

How pathetic has my life become that my relative happiness and well-being is wholly dependant upon the decision of an 18 year-old kid living on the planet of Florida?

U R GAY

I hate personalized license plates. These miniature billboards contain messages that are: a) really stupid jokes or attempts at wordplay - i.e. JUST CRUZN; b) an attempt at some serious message that the rest of us could give two shits about - i.e. J DIED 4U; c) some inside humor that the other 100 million drivers don't get or don't care about. And the worst part is that these geniuses think they are being so incredibly clever when in fact they are guilty of pure, unadulterated faggotry. If you're one of the thousands of losers who fall into the category of vanity plate owner, please do me and everyone else a favor and kill yourself now. Thank you.

The Death Of Music, Part 3

Antony and The Johnsons - another weird and shitty band that I saw on TV. This guy/gal has some kind of transgender thing going and apparently doesn't like to be photographed. On this 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death, it perturbs me that we continue to be inundated with this kind of crap on the airwaves.

The Death Of Music, Part 2

Carlos Santana Fragrance for men and women. No other words are necessary.

The Death Of Music...

...I've seen it and it's name is James Blunt. I had never heard of this turdburglar until I saw him on SNL from the other night. Apparently he's the bomb in England right now. I've haven't heard lyrics that bad or a worse vocal delivery in a long time (at least since that Anita Bryant concert). How did this guy get signed or even considered for signing? His voice sounded like a cross between Dave Matthews and Ned Beatty's SQUEEEEEEEEAL. Maybe I'm officially old now but I just don't understand some of the music I'm hearing nowadays. Word.

Hey Kip!

Transportation Security Administration chief Kip Hawley is proposing to allow small scissors and tools back onto airliners and (SHOCK!) it's drawing strident opposition from flight attendants, families of victims of the Sept. 11 hijackings and lawmakers. The plan would allow airline passengers to carry scissors less than 4 inches long and wrenches and screwdrivers less than 7 inches long.

First of all- no one named Kip should wield any kind of authority whatsoever, unless they're running for president of the Saved By The Bell fan club. Secondly Kipster, how long do you think those box cutters were that the 9/11 hijackers used? That's right Kip, probably not very long. If you buy one at Home Depot and hold it next to your little pecker, you'll see that they can make them pretty small. You don't think they could inflict any harm with scissors or a screwdriver?

So we have to wait a little longer at the airport for security purposes. So we might have to go buy another set of nail clippers due to confiscation. That's a small price to pay for not dying on an airplane. Get to the airport earlier Skip. Or how about checking a bag once in awhile? And while you're at it, change you friggin' name! Where do you think Kip Tyner is now? That's right- still diggin' for mud in T-town.