Thanks Dumbass!

So my buddy Jay and I played the other night at a smallish bar here in town to a crowd of about 20 or so drunks and buffoons. After our riveting performance of the Luna version of "Sweet Child Of Mine", some dude walks up and asks if he can sing and play "Patience" by G&R. Now let me say one thing first. NOTHING is more annoying to a musician than a complete stranger who asks if he can take over your gig. It actually happens more than you think and it amazes me how some people consider a stage with real musicians as their own personal karaoke showcase. Not only did this guy want to sing - he actually wanted us to exit the stage area and let him perform solo. I actually let someone do this a long time ago and he dropped my guitar, putting a crack in the wood. So now, I make it a policy of allowing no one access to my instrument unless it's a friend or relative or someone that I ask to sit in.

Anyway, after politely telling him no and relating the dropped guitar story, he kept on. "Dude, I won't drop your guitar. I've got a hundred dollar bill in my wallet that you can hold onto while I play in case anything happens to it." Yeah, well, I paid $500 for the guitar but thanks anyway. He then began sharing his credentials with us - that he had lived in Nashville, he sang with Shelby Lynne, blah blah blah. So finally, I told him he could sing the song with our accompaniment. Once we launched into it, this guy started gripping the microphone the way Paris Hilton grips a stiffy. And he didn't so much sing into the mic as much as he made love to it, even keeping his eyes closed (thank God I had him sing into Jay's mic and not mine). But I noticed he was channeling Axl Rose with a heavy country twang that made it even doubly annoying. Finally and mercifully, the song ended.

But the story doesn't end there. Before we could play another note, he was hollering for us to "play some cawntry!" and began launching into a series of classic country songs a capella. I tried explaining to him that I had sung these songs a thousand times in another band but he wouldn't shut up. After he began singing "Folsom Prison Blues" at the top of his lungs, we relented by playing "I Got Stripes" by Johnny Cash. Although not one of Cash's best known songs, it was featured in the movie Walk The Line. As we played it, he stared blankly at us like he had never heard the song before. Whatever - we played the damn country song and took a break. Before we could make it to our seats, this guy was at us again trying to let him sing some "cawntry". He then walked up to some folks at the bar and started singing more a capella cawntry classics at the top of his lungs, seemingly trying to get the fellow patrons to join him on his crusade of terror. He finally approached me and said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I let him play and sing ONE song. I looked at Jay with disbelief and then back at the buffoon. "Okay". What can I say? I'm a complete whore. However, once he handed me the bill, he started trying to guilt trip me. "Dude, I can't believe a fellow musician would actually take the money." Then you don't really know many musicians, do you dipshit?

So we walked up there, I handed him my guitar and went back to my seat. When I looked up, I noticed that he was holding the guitar against his body without using the strap. I walked back up there and asked him what he was doing. "I don't usually use these strap things," he said. Then how the fuck do you hold the guitar up while you play? I guess he could see in my eyes that this was unacceptable, so he started to put the strap on BACKWARDS ever the wrong shoulder. I was dumbfounded that this self-described Nashville Star honestly didn't know how to strap on a guitar correctly. Unbelievable. He then began playing a series of random chords and started singing the opening verse to "Dixieland Delight", albeit to the wrong chords. Needless to say, it sounded horrible. He attempted to sing several other songs to no avail. Finally, he started singing something else that was utterly unrecognizable at first. I soon realized the song he was butchering was "Country Boy Can Survive" by Hank Joonya. To his credit, I gotta give him creativity points for choosing the most bizarre chord progression imaginable for such a simple song. I walked up to the bar and Kyle, the manager, yelled "What is this shit?!? Get this fucker off - now!"

So we dragged him away and thus ended the musical odyssey of the idiot Nashville Star wannabe. I split the money with Jay, since he had to suffer through it just as much as I did.