The Latest In WTF - Men's Double Luge

Last night as I was rocking the house at a local sports bar, I glanced at a TV just in time to catch a Winter Olympic event that I hadn't recalled witnessing before - Men's Double Luge. Regular luge is inscrutable enough as it is - a man in tights, lying flat on a sled while hurling himself down an icy slide. I'm sure there is a considerable amount of skill involved that the layman is not able to see. But I'm sorry, to most of us it's just a dude on a sled trying not to crash.

The doubles thing takes it to a whole new level. As far as women go, I'm like any other male in that I'm all for doubles in anything and everything. But there's something disturbing about watching two men lying that flat on top of each other on a sled (or anything else for that matter). It's like watching Ace & Gary, The Ambiguously Gay Duo, riding along in their penis mobile. You almost expect for these dudes to stand up at the end of their run and ask, "What's everyone looking at?!?", while everyone stares at them in speechless awe.

I Don't Care What Your Child's Name Is or What Sport He/She Plays

Just sayin'.

The Karaoke Life

I don't go to karaoke bars very often, and when I do it's usually just to make fun of people (ah, judging strangers - my favorite pastime). Being the musician snob that I am, I sure as hell wouldn't partake in this activity myself. It would take a blood-alcohol level of at least .024. But I still go because the entertainment value is priceless.

Recently I attended a local karaoke venue called Starz (because an 's' would be just too damn customary). And I noticed right off the bat that it wasn't just a bar - it was a community. The whole crowd sang/slurred along with EVERY song that was being "performed" by the patrons, all while high-fiving and clinking beer bottles with each other. I felt somewhat out of place, like I'd just accidentally crashed a wedding by strolling into a banquet hall with "Goldstein Wedding" written on a large sign outside.

It occurred to me that this was their own little world. While the rest of us brazenly make fun of them, these folks take take their own universe seriously. Karaokers remind me of people with mullets - sadly (or funnily, depending on how you look at it), they seem to have no idea that the rest of society mocks them relentlessly. Bless their hearts.

Enough

Once again it's that time of year when jewelers and florists raise the bar to a level of impossibility for men - V-Day. Retailers such as Jared, Kay and Flowers.com annually spew forth a bevvy of commercials that have about as much realism as a singing frog.

"Annie, why do you have a pants bulge?"

"Oh Susie, it's the diamond necklace that Nick gave me for Valentine's Day to tell me how much he loves me - I like to keep it coiled up next to my vagina. He went to Jared!"

I have to keep a stack of barf bags next to my TV in preparation for this annual sham of fanciful dribble regurgitating from the airwaves. Ladies, we may have the best of intentions and actually sometimes succeed when it comes to romance, but please don't ever expect what happens in these commercials to actually occur in real life.

New Q

There's a (fairly) new BBQ joint in town that many, including myself, have been drooling over. It's called Saw's BBQ and it's located in the Edgewood area of Homewood, for all you local yokels. As many of you know, I'm a longtime 'Q' connoisseur who knows good shit when he tastes it. With all due respect to Big Bob Gibson's in Decatur, Saw's is the new #1 on my list of favorite Q joints. I've yet to try the ribs but the pork, chicken, sauces and sides are quite simply the best I've ever tasted. This guy, Wilson (SAW = "Sorry Ass Wilson"), knows what the hell he's doing. The meat is cooked to melt-in-your-mouth perfection and is brimming with just the right flavor. It just gets better every time, too. Apparently I'm not alone - the place is packed with more and more people on each subsequent visit. Go and enjoy.

Teeth

Even before I got into the dental industry, I always made a practice of consistently attending to good oral hygiene. And as much as I hated the 18 months that I endured braces as a gawky 13 year-old, I'm very thankful to now have straight teeth. They may not be supermodel white, but by God, they're properly aligned and even.

Which makes me all the more curious about folks who don't have straight teeth and many others whose teeth are just butt ugly. I realize not everyone can afford certain restorative dental solutions, but everyone should at least be able to have their teeth cleaned twice a year or at least maintain proper oral hygiene on a daily basis with brushing and flossing.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but many people don't realize how much of a turn-off it is to have a mouth like Austin Powers (I know some of you are shocked to hear me say that I've been somewhat picky about anything when it comes to dating). Recently, a girl approached myself and my bandmates at a gig touting herself as a talent scout - a local version of Simon Cowell if you will - and offered to take us on as a client. As she was spouting off her spiel, all I really heard was the "Wah wah wah" sound you hear from adults in a Peanuts cartoon. Why? Because, even though she was fairly attractive, she had the lower half of her #8 incisor (upper right front tooth for you novices) chipped off, and it was all I could do to not stare at this monstrosity.

So come on, people. I implore you to take care of your teeth - you (and me) will be glad you did.