I Didn't Realize He Knew 300 Words

Fulmer e-mails regret to Vols fans

Associated Press


KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Tennessee football coach Phillip Fulmer's acknowledgment that the 2005 season was "unacceptable" has been put in writing to the fans.

Fulmer wrote a 300-word letter that was e-mailed Tuesday to about 38,000 season ticket holders and other fans signed up to receive periodic newsletters from the athletic department through its Web site.

"This year was a disappointing season for everyone in the Tennessee family," wrote Fulmer, echoing what he's been saying on the radio and television and in speeches. "We started this season with great expectations and failed to live up to those expectations.

"I assure you that no one is happy about our season -- especially me, and I know that our fans deserve better than what we produced this year."

The letter was gleaned from 10 pages of notes from a speech Fulmer gave Monday to the Knoxville Quarterback Club. That speech also expressed his concern over finishing 5-6, the first losing record and lack of a bowl bid since 1988.

"Coach Fulmer was trying to find a way to communicate to fans," athletic department spokeswoman Tiffany Carpenter said Tuesday.

Fulmer wrote that he is taking an audit of the program.

"We grossly underachieved offensively, and special teams were erratic at best," he said. "No stone will be left unturned and no question left unanswered as to what went wrong."

On Monday, Fulmer took one step in what he hopes will turn around the program by introducing David Cutcliffe as offensive coordinator to replace Randy Sanders. Cutcliffe was on Tennessee's staff with Fulmer for 17 years and was offensive coordinator from 1993-98 before leaving to be head coach at Mississippi. He was fired at the end of last season.

Fulmer also fired two assistants, receivers coach Pat Washington and offensive line coach Jimmy Ray Stephens. Sanders resigned on Oct. 31.

I Hate Blue Cross/Blue Shield

I'm sick of this friggin' company, which bascially owns the state of Alabama (along with God). I mailed a prescription drug claim 11 days ago to a local address and the claim still isn't showing up when I check online. I called the customer disservice number and after sitting on hold for what can only be described as the equivalent of the time it takes to listen to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, I finally spoke to a swarmy gent by the name of Patrick. He proceeded to inform me that there's really no way to know whether they received my claim or not and that maybe I should try faxing it. Thanks Patrick. You're A-Number One in my book. Prick.

Happy Turkey Day.

Hope everyone has a swell holiday and eats lots of good ol' dead animal flesh. Mmm.

Fantastic Finish!

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide football team for such a marvelous performance on Saturday. Seriously, I've been watching football closely for 30 years and that is THE worst game by an offensive line that I have ever seen.

Enough Already!

The other day I walked into a local Bruno's supermarket and stopped dead in my tracks. They were playing Christmas music over the PA. I immediately glanced at my watch and the date was November 15th. NOVEMBER 15TH! Why is it that we are continuously subjected to Christmas music earlier and earlier every year? Don't tell me it's just my imagination or that it's the same way it's always been- that's B.S. I shouldn't have to hear one single note until after Thanksgiving. And it really shouldn't be until December 1st, but I can live with those few days in between. Isn't there something that can be done about this? Can't we alert our Congressmen to this travesty? God knows they're not doing anything else constructive with our tax money.

Joy

Every so often I sit back and assess the greatest moments of my life and each time there is one that sticks out above all others. And this week just happens to be the 20th anniversary of that moment. I'm talking about, of course, "The Kick". Twenty years ago this week, Van Tiffin nailed a 52 yard field goal that drove a stake into the heart of the infidels (Auburn) as time expired. I was there at Legion Field in the opposite end zone with my buddy Brent, and we had just endured three hours of relentless orange and blue shakers in our faces from all the Aubbie rednecks that surrounded us.

Having never been married, I've never had the experience of finding the perfect mate and joining her in eternal matrimony. I've also never had the opportunity to experience my own son or daughter being born, although being around my Goddaughter makes me as giddy as a schoolgirl (and she just happens to be the offspring of my aforementioned friend, Brent). So because of this, "The Kick" remains as the greatest single joyful moment of my entire life. Unless you are a true Tide fan, it would be impossible for you to understand or relate. And I don't give a rat's ass if you do or don't anyway. All I know is that it's Iron Bowl week and I want to beat those bastards. ROLL, BABY, ROLL!

Braindead

brain-dead adj.
Brain-damaged in the extreme. It tends to imply terminal design failure rather than malfunction or simple stupidity. "This comm program doesn't know how to send a break -- how brain-dead!"

VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!

This weekend I'll be heading to Sin City for my friend Jack's 40th birthday bash. We'll be dining at The Bellagio Friday night and watching the Tide on Saturday. And not only is it Jack's birthday but it’s also he and his wife’s wedding anniversary, and at midnight on Saturday they’re going to have their wedding vows renewed at a cheesy Elvis chapel. I mentioned this to my mom and added that it wouldn't be too far out of the realm of reality for me to end up getting drunk and marrying a nasty meth junkie showgirl. Not surprisingly, she actually wasn’t all that displeased with the notion of my arrival back to the 'ham with a new (albeit skanky) wife. With three sons who have yet to tie the knot or supply her with any grandkids, she’ll basically take what she can get at this point. Poor woman.

U-G-L-Y, You ain't got no alibi...

Am I the only one who thinks the Pontiac Aztek is the ugliest vehicle ever produced? Why on earth would anyone purchase this piece of crap? Makes me ashamed to be an American.

What is with you people?

This will be the first in series of rants regarding my confusion with the opposite sex- aka "you people". This week: what's with the make-up, specifically eyeliner? Last weekend I performed at a Halloween party with one of my many bands, Three Hour Tour. We decided to dress like rock stars, and I opted for the heroin junkie country star look. I figured a little make-up would enhance my look, so I had the drummer's MILFy wife don me with some eyeliner. As I found out later, that crap WILL NOT come off easily. It's easier to remove stink from s*#t than it is that stuff from your eyelids. I know, I know- make-up remover does the trick better than soap and water. But come on, why do you people put that stuff on your face every day? Is it really worth it?