Random Notes from Surgery: My Very Own Crime Scene, My Twin, etc.

Last Friday I had an outpatient procedure done to remove a teratoma cyst from my forehead, and it turned out to be quite an adventure. Although the doc used a local anesthetic and I didn't feel any pain, it was still quite a discomfort to have him cutting and tugging on my head while I'm imagining the worst. Once he got in there, he determined that what I had wasn't what he originally thought (a lipoma). He said it was something that probably started in the embryonic stage and slowly grew over the years. In fact, he said my particular case was unusual ("case of the week," he said) in that he found some hairs inside the cyst. Naturally, I immediately got excited and asked about the possibility that I had devoured a twin inside the womb. "Ummm...no," was his response. He stitched it up and sent me on my merry way.

So I got home and prepared for a day of relaxation with a few movies and some reading. A couple of hours later, I went in my bathroom to relieve myself when all of a sudden I started bleeding profusely from my head. As you can see from the photo above, it was coming out pretty good. Now, I may have had stitches nine times- enough times to know that head wounds bleed worse than other injuries- yet it was still freaky enough for me to be more than a little worried. I grabbed a towel and started putting pressure on my head. I jumped in my car and hauled ass out of there. I called the doc's office and was told to come back to them.

Now their office is in the city of Vestavia, which is right next to the city of Hoover (where I live). Needless to say, the usual traffic laws did not apply. I was barrelling up Hwy. 31 running red lights and passing people on the shoulder. Before long, I saw a Hoover cop in an SUV and flagged him down. I pointed to the bloody towel I was holding to my head while I explained the situation and asked if he could give me an escort to my doc's office in Vestavia. "I CAN'T GO INTO VESTAVIA!" he shouted. Great. I floored it and left him in the dust, breaking countless laws as he watched. Once I made it out of the Hoover city limits, I saw a Vestavia cop at a traffic light and flagged him down. Once again I explained the situation WHILE HOLDING A BLOODY TOWEL TO MY HEAD, mind you, telling him where my doc's office was and asking for an excort. He pointed toward the direction I was heading and calmly said, "Oh yeah, his office is located right up there...yada yada yada..." Unbelievable. I didn't wait to hear what else he had to say. Once again I floored it and left him in my rear view mirror. What helpful policemen we have in this town. In spite of them, I finally made it to my doc's office. He cleaned me up, redressed my wound and explained that it was nothing to worry about. The blood had simply collected in the void where my twin, er, cyst used to be. I spent the rest of the weekend watching movies and playing a lame gig. I'll live.