I'm Chris Hansen

If you've seen this guy on TV, you understand my addiction to his show on Dateline NBC. If you've seen him approaching you in person with a clipboard saying, "Why don't you take a seat right there?", you're fucked. Surely, most of you have seen or at least heard about his show, To Catch A Predator, which busts older men trying to pick up teenage girls online for sex. It's very disturbing and uncomfortable to watch, yet I can't take my eyes off the screen whenever it comes on. These internet sex predators are creepy and make me want to vomit. But the way that every one of these guys react is borderline comical. "I've never done this before", "I wasn't going to do anything", and "I had a feeling this was going to happen" are just a few of my favorite lines from these guys once they've been tagged. The only thing wrong with the scenario is the fact that most of these scumbags get minimal jailtime with a year or two of probation. Go get 'em, Chris!

My Top 10 Albums of 2007

Okay, it's actually 11 but I couldn't narrow it down. So sue me bitches!

1. Nick Lowe - At My Age
An instant classic. The most infectous album I heard all year. This album was musically, lyrically and stylistically beyond anything else. And as I've said before, Nick is The Man.

2. Crowded House - Time On Earth
Neil Finn and Nick Seymour re-united after 10 years to record a brilliant collection of new songs. And I finally got to see them live (in Atlanta), even if it was without the departed Paul Hester. Great album.

3. Vulture Whale - Vulture Whale
My buddies Wes, Les, Jake and Keelan recorded a R&R classic this year complete with attitude and balls. I can't wait for the next one.

4. Steve Earle - Washington Square Serenade
Speaking of attitude and balls - as a longtime fan since his first album, Guitar Town, I was pleasantly surprised to hear Steve record his best album since 1997's El Corazon.

5. The Dexateens - Hardwire Healing
More buddies of mine from T-town who released their best album this year. "Neil Armstrong" is the song of the year. And Elliott, Sweet Dog and the boys sure can rock!

6. Tommy Womack - There, I Said It!
Longtime Nashville musician and writer Tommy Womack put together a fantastic batch of tunes reflecting on his life and times. His tome, The Cheese Chronicles, is to books what Spinal Tap is to movies.

7. Ryan Adams - Easy Tiger
His childishness notwithstanding, Ryan Adams still put out one of the best albums of the year and the best of his recordings with The Cardinals. "Halloweenhead" is another top song of '07.

8. Bruce Springsteen - Magic
Although sonically, the production is bland and overcompressed, one can't deny that The Boss can still write some damn fine songs.

9. Mark Knopfler - Kill To Get Crimson
This is Mark Knopfler's best solo album. Subtle yet blissful, Kill To Get Crimson is a tasty treat indeed.

10. Anat Cohen w/ The Anzic Orchestra - Noir
This was one that caught me offguard. Anat Cohen is a talented saxophonist and clarinetist originally from Israel. Her music is what I would describe best as orchestral jazz. This is a sublime album of textural beauty that resonates long after you hear it for the first time.

11. Mitch Easter - Dynamico
Out of the 'Where Are They Now' file and back into the mainstream, the legendary producer and songwriter came out of the woodwork to record a damn good album with an edge.

I Wish I Had Thought Of This Line

"When I'm walking I hate drivers, and when I'm driving I hate pedestrians"

-Hollywood Elsewhere poster

Whoops

This morning some employees requested that we play Christmas music over the PA system here at work, so I hooked up my iPod to the intercom to play my Christmas music playlist on shuffle mode. Only one thing wrong with that - I forgot that one of the songs on that playlist is "FUCK CHRISTMAS" by a classic punk band from back in the day called Fear. And yes, it's exactly what you think it is - the lead singer (Lee Ving) screaming "FUCK CHRISTMAS" over three chords for a minute and a half. Whoopsie daisies. Fortunately, no one has come forward to complain. After polling several people, the general consensus is that the song was too raw and aggressive to understand what the hell they were singing anyway. Merry Fucking Christmas everyone!

Postal Workers Are F**ing Geniuses

Why do we even have a postal service anymore? This latest episode that happened at work today shouldn't have surprised me, but I'm dumbfounded nonetheless. In addition to the 100 holiday gift boxes we ship to our customers every year, we also send out a couple hundred desk calendars. Two days ago I took one of these calendars, already stuffed in its envelope, to the Homewood post office to see exactly what the postage amount would be. We have a postage meter and scale here at the office but because of the unusual size and shape of the calendars, I didn't want to assume anything. The postage bitch weighed and measured the piece and told me it would be 97 cents. I said thank you and was on my way. I printed 200 meter tapes with 97 cents postage and someone apply them to all 200 mail pieces (why do it yourself when you can delegate?).

Well guess what? I just got a call from a guy at the post office saying that the postage was wrong on our calendars. I kindly informed him that it was one of his fellow postal workers who weighed the piece and told me the postage. She was wrong, he said. They're considered parcel and are supposed to be $1.30 per piece. So now I've got to print 200 more meter tapes at 33 cents apiece, take them to the goddamn post office, and stick them on myself. I'm about to go postal on the post office. Merry Christmas!

Zep, Key Changes, etc.

The biggest reunion in the history of rock n' roll took place the other night when Led Zeppelin played a show at O2 arena in London. Like The Police reunion earlier this year, I wasn't sure how to feel about it. The surviving three Zepsters performed a couple of times in the 80's with disastrous results, and the Page/Plant tour in the 90's got mixed reviews. But I'll have to admit that the thought of Page, Plant, Jonesy and Jason Bonham got me more than a little psyched. The show went off with a bang and the initial reviews were positive. Then I saw the You Tube clips.

One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to live shows is the inevitable key changes of songs. As rock vocalists age, their voices lose range, resulting in an alteration in the songs that enable a singer to not make an ass of himself trying to hit notes he can't possibly hit anymore. It totally ruins the song but most people don't notice the difference anyway. However, I do and it pisses me off. Just take a listen to the latest live Elton John or Genesis tracks on iTunes - they're friggin' horrible. And as much as I hate to say it, the posted songs from the Led Zep show the other night are horrible as well. Some songs like "Good Times Bad Times", "Stairway" and "The Song Remains The Same" were at least a whole step down (in musicspeak), making them virtually unrecognizable. So what's the solution? Don't fucking play the songs. Or just don't play period. The fact that Zeppelin hasn't given in and toured in the past 25 years has only added to their mystique.

Bob Lefsetz said it best - "We revere retired baseball players, but we don't want to see them take the field and play nine innings. We don't want our memories fucked with. What would Jesus do? Well, he's NEVER come back. Maybe that's why people still revere him so!"

Everything's Gonna Be....

Evel

We lost a legend the other day in Evel Knievel. For a kid who grew up in the 70's, there was no one cooler than Mr. Knievel. He had the look, the swagger and the balls to be the hero of every male on the planet. I watched every one of his stunts on TV and had every Evel Knievel toy on the market. I was also damn lucky never to have cracked my spine jumping homemade ramps on my bicycle.

And I even got to meet him once...almost. I was seven years old and my old man was able to get us onto the guest list at a Kenny Stabler roast here in B-ham. I met and got photos with Stabler, Irv Cross and several other athletes and celebrities. But I almost pissed my pants when I saw the one and only Evel Knievel sitting by himself at the bar having a drink(s). My dad got someone to walk over and ask for me to meet him and have a photo op. He raised his head, looked over at me and gave a backhanded wave with his right hand as if to say, "Get the fuck away from me - I'm having a Goddamn drink." You'd think that I would've been devastated. While there was certainly a feeling of disappointment, I couldn't help but think that his reaction was, in a way, actually cooler than if he had been like Santa Claus, laughing and lifting me onto his lap. In the same way that Clint Eastwood's son of a bitch attitude enhanced his aura, I gotta think that Evel's actions that night had the same effect. He was simply one badass motherfucker, and I'll miss him.