Damn! That's what I call a MILF...er GILF.

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Random Why's...

Why is the media so obsessed with anna Nicole Smith? What exactly did she contribute to the world anyway?

Why do drivers freak out when it rains? Go already!

Why do men still have mullets? Don't you think by now that they'd realize that the world has been making fun of them for years now?

And speaking of men and their hair, why must they continue to apply products that spike their hair up? I'm especially talking to the Clausen brothers.

Why can't I stop watching the "To Catch a Predator" series on Dateline NBC? And why do these idiots keep falling for it?

Why does anyone care about the Grammy Awards?

Why do I have such a man-crush on Nick Saban?

Why do birds sing so gay?

Why are robots stealing my luggage?

I'm Not Sure What To Feel

One of my all-time favorite bands, The Police, have announced that they'll be reuniting for the Grammys next month. I'm torn between thinking this is cool and thinking it's complete waste of time. When they broke up twentysomething years ago, it was sad knowing that they'd never play together again. At the time, they were at their peak, having accomplished everything they could possibly imagine. They were the biggest band in the world. But it was also very cool to see someone go out on top for a change.

For years I hoped that they would get over their issues and reunite. But then around the early 90's, Sting apparently had his ballsack removed and started putting out total crap (remember that stupid song/chant that was in that car commercial?). I started to realize that The Police not getting back together wasn't such a bad idea after all. Then in 2003, they were inducted into the R&R Hall of Fame and indeed reunited to perform several songs. It was okay but they had certainly lost their edge. No matter how good they were back in the day, they just couldn't replicate the same sound and energy that they had once commanded with ease. It was then that I realized that they had made the right decision not to ever reunite, and I made peace with myself about it. And now this. I just have a bad feeling about it, especially when they're choosing the pointless fucking Grammy Awards ceremony as a launching point. But of course I'll watch because the tool in me won't let me NOT watch.

TT Throws Tantrum, Has A Revelation

I was sitting at home Tuesday night, suffering through yet another Tide basketball meltdown vs. Auburn when I finally lost control and threw my TV remote to the floor. Naturally, it came apart and a 1/2" nut connected to a small square piece of plastic came tumbling out of the inside. I was able to snap it back together, albeit sans nut, and alas, it didn't work. My remote, and in a small way my life, was broken.

So I made the dreadful drive to Charter headquarters, fully expecting to pay God knows how much for a new remote and receive a stern lecture from the always pleasant Charter window teller. There was of course a line, so as I was standing there I noticed a woman behind the teller windows motioning towards me.

She as holding a brand new bubble wrapped remote in her hand and mouthed the words, "Do you need this?"

I said, "Um...yeah," and walked forward to make the exchange with no questions asked.

"Is that it?" I asked, not sure what to do next.

She nodded and I immediately got the hell out of there before the cable police could come after me. As I walked to my car, I reflected on what had just taken place. I took a broken DVR remote control to Charter and had it replaced at no charge and with no questions asked. Do you realize what this means? I can pretty much chunk my remote anytime I want without fear of consequences. I keed- I won't really do that. Okay, maybe once.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT THERE?!?"

There's a classic video clip of Vince Lombardi yelling those exact words from the sideline during a game when his team wasn't performing particularly well. That's my current feeling about the Bama basketball team. What was once a giddy feeling about our basketball team's prospects this season has turned into a nightmare. Having grown up during the Wimp Sanderson era, it's unfathomable to me for a Tide team to play such poor defense. Wimp's mantra was "if you don't play defense, you don't play." Mark Gottfried needs to get nasty on his team and bring them back down to earth or else it's gonna get even uglier.

Don't Give Fat Phil Any Ideas

Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl decided to mingle with the student dorks at last night's UT women's basketball game by going shirtless and painting himself orange with a "V" on his chest. I'm speechless other than to say what a friggin' loser. I can only pray for the love of everything good and holy that Fat Phil doesn't follow suit.

Oh My God! Sleet!

I was flipping channels last night and happened upon a segment on Fox 6 News called "Sleet Sighting". They had a reporter on location standing next to a car with sleet on it. Not snow. Sleet. I shit you not. Every year we're inundated with local newscasts freaking out over the threat of snow flurries, but sleet?!? I know I've gone off on weather morons before, but this is getting ridiculous. And people in the south wonder why northerners make fun of us...

American Bad Ass

The helmet, the mirrored sunglasses, the moustache, the headset communicator, the leather jacket, the black boots, the badge, the overwhelming need to compensate for being a complete loser in high school. Is there anything cooler than being a motorcycle cop?

Way to go Suckeyes!

Kudos to the national media and all the Big Ten asslickers out there for corrrectly predicting an Ohio State blowout. It was a blowout alright. Although I still hate Florida, it was nice to see OSU get their asses handed to them by an SEC team. Incidentally, here's a rundown of OSU's recent bowl record against SEC teams:

Sugar 1/1/78 - Alabama 35 Ohio State 6
Hall of Fame 1/1/90 - Auburn 31 Ohio State 14
Citrus 1/1/93 - Georgia 21 Ohio State 14
Citrus 1/2/95 - Alabama 24 Ohio State 17
Citrus 1/1/96 - Tennessee 20 Ohio State 14
Outback 1/1/01 - S. Carolina 24 Ohio State 7
Outback 1/1/02 - S. Carolina 31 Ohio State 28
BCS 1/8/07 - Florida 41 Ohio State 14

Nick!

Two Thumbs Down!

For those of you thinking about renting The Wicker Man - don't. You'd think that a movie with Nicolas Cage and Ellen Burstyn would be worth a crap but it's not. In fact, it might be one of the worst films that I've ever seen. Word.

The Waiting is the hardest part...

Out of Touch

I got the new Rolling Stone year-end issue the other day and while flipping through it, I realized just how old and out of touch I am with current artists. Either that, or most new music sucks ass (probably a little of both). In the Top 100 songs of 2006 category, I counted exactly 7 songs that I had actually heard. That's right- 7. In the category of Top 50 albums of 2006, my percentage was slightly better. I own 6 of the 50 they listed. I'm gonna go listen to some Rodrigo y Gabriella. Word.

I Am Officially The Worst Gift Wrapper...Ever.

I spent last night attempting to wrap my Christmas presents with sad/hilarious results. Gift-wrapping is something that has been beyond my understanding all of my life. I wrap about as good as I rap, which is quite horrible. Honestly, I can't for the life of me wrap a simple Goddamn present. They usually end up looking like something that Martha Stewart would vomit after a few too many glasses of spiked egg nog - basically an ugly mess of paper and tape in glorious holiday colors. People have tried to teach me and it's pointless. I've tried and tried but unfortunately, gift-wrapping is on a level of coordination that apparently is out of my reach.

Rosie vs. Donald

By now, I'm sure most of you heard about the feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. To sum up the events thus far- Donald decided to give his skanky little Miss USA a second chance and Rosie went off on him on The View for acting as a "moral compass". And now it's continuing to escalate into an all-out brawl through the media. I haven't talked to anyone who gives a rip what either of these attention whores has to say. Personally, I think both of them are full of shit and I wish they would take heed of the friendly soldier's message that's pictured above.

My Top Ten of 2006

For any of you who give a rat's ass, here's my Top Ten list of albums for 2006:

1. The Beatles - Love
George Martin and his son have taken the original Beatle master tapes and created a mish-mashterpiece.

2. Hem - Funnel Cloud
My new favorite band's latest was an instant classic.

3. Daniel Tashian - The Lovetest
Nashville's Daniel Tashian is my new favorite crazy bastard (i.e. Ryan Adams) of a songwriter. This infectious album wasn't even officially released - it was made available on Tashian's blog page.

4. Lindsey Buckingham - Under The Skin
The genius turned finiished this one in a shade under a decade, and it was worth the wait.

5. Teddy Thompson - Separate Ways
The son of Richard and Linda Thompson has proven that he has the goods. Great voice, great songs.

6. Hem - No Word From Tom
A collection of unreleased songs, live tracks and covers, including Radiation Vibe by Fountains of Wayne and So. Central Rain by R.E.M.

7. The Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
Yes, I admit that I love this album. It's not even country- it's more along the lines of 70's California pop.

8. Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
The Rilo Kiley singer's first solo album is excellent, with some help from the harmonically angelic voices of the Watson Twins.

9. The Bees - High Society
Daniel Tashian's (see #3) current band's sophmore release, which is even better than the first.

10. Garrison Starr - The Sound of You and Me
This was my first introduction to Garrison Starr, who's been around for awhile. I feel her pain.

Enough.

There have been some new revelations this week regarding the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend - something about a murder conspiracy, US gov't wiretaps, blah blah blah. Look, it was a tragedy and I hate that both families had to go through something this horrible. But Jesus, it's been 10 years! Why are people still consumed with this story? It's over - can we please move on? I'm done.

Holy Actual Retail Price!

Bob Barker turns 83 friggin' years old today. I had no idea Bob was that ancient, although I guess it makes cents (heehee-get it?) considering how long that codger has been on the air. And he's still going strong, too. Bob's gonna keep hosting The Price Is Right until he literally drops dead during a taping. Some young stud is gonna give that number wheel such a strong yank that the gust of air caused by the wheel's spin will simply knock Bob off his feet and onto death's doorstep, which is exactly the way you know he wants to go. And you just know that dude has banged every model that has come and gone on that show, too. In fact, my earliest boy crushes were on Janet and Diane. Damn those were some hot dames. Kudos to you Bob-O, and Happy Birthday!

Chillin'

I've been listening to a lot of 70's rock lately, enjoying the relaxed feel of that mellow production that you never hear anymore thanks to digital technology. There's something about that warm, analog sound and dry snare drum thud that makes me all tingly inside. Nothing about modern studio/computer engineering comes close. Today's production is too slick and sterile for me to conjure up any kind of feeling about the music, not to mention the lack of overall songcraft these days. Ah, a hammock, a cold beer and the smooth sounds Boston and The Eagles sounds pretty good right now...

The PBA

Every Sunday at noon, while other networks are kicking off their NFL games, ESPN goes into full-blown PBA coverage. For the misinformed out there, PBA stands for Professional Bowling (or Bowlers, I don't know and don't care) Association. Lately, professional bowling has experienced a rebirth in popularity, as evidenced by the crowds who attend these televised events in such towns as Molar Crack, OH and yes, Birmingham, AL.
Now I don't have a problem with recreational bowling. Drinking pitchers and rolling big heavy gutter balls can be quite fun on occasion. What I don't understand is how or why anyone would watch the pros do it on TV. They pretty much place the ball where they want and bowl a strike or at least a spare EVERY time. That's hardly enough drama to compel me to watch. Even PGA golfers fuck up from time to time. It's like mastering your favorite video game. Once you've gone as far as you can go, it gets boring and you move on to the next one. Also, these guys are some of the biggest tools you'll ever see. With their tight clothing and their manly mustaches, these guys could definitely pass for motorcycle cops if they wore blue and had mirrored sunglasses on. If someone could explain the PBA phenomenon to me, I'm all ears.