Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!

By witch, I mean the '98 Toyota Corolla that I've been driving for 8 1/2 years. And she didn't actually die, although it was almost time to pull the plug due to the slow, impending knocking of death's door. I actually bought a new car over the weekend and somehow suckered the dealership into taking my car in on a trade. My favorite moment was when the Toyota dude asked if I needed a minute to say goodbye. I politely told him that I had spent plenty of minutes with that car (approximately 4,392,000), and he could go ahead and haul that bitch away. I really shouldn't say that- we had some good times together. But it's time to move on.

So anyway, I bought a new (used) 2004 Toyota Highlander. I finally have a real car, and one with plenty of room to pack my music gear on top of that. And my new geeky, guilty pleasure is the keyless entry function that the rest of the world has been taking advantage of for years. So if you see this vehicle in your rear view mirror, get the 'f' out of the way, bitches!

Fun Tailgating Ideas, Part 1

Step 1
Think of a radical food to put in the deep fryer - in this case White Castle burgers.


Step 2
Examine your masterpiece and dare someone to taste this artful delicacy, which is rather easy when alcohol is involved.


Step 3
Prepare for anal explosion while simultaneously performing CPR on the victim due to massive coronary.

Game On

Tide schedules first practice, Fan Day

From The Tuscaloosa News


The University of Alabama announced that fall football practice will begin Aug. 3, one day after newcomers report, and confirmed that it will hold a Fan Day on Aug. 5.

Although details have yet to be announced, the event has been scheduled for 4:30 p.m. The Crimson Tide will hold media day and practice earlier Sunday.

The First day of the fall semester is Aug. 22, with Alabama hosting Western Carolina at Bryant-Denny Stadium on Sept. 1. Time of the game has yet to be announced.

Why?

It never ceases to amaze me how young men with the kind of athletic ability and gazillions of dollars that Michael Vick has throw it all away because of blatant thuggery and downright idiocy. Dumbass.

Home Again

This Friday, Three Hour Tour makes their triumphant return to the place we've called home for almost the past decade. The Brick Deli in Decatur became our unofficial headquarters after we started playing again regularly in the late 90's, and we've had many frazy nights there since then. Unfortunately, The Brick was destroyed by a fire last October. Since then, the good folks there have moved to another location and worked tirelessly to re-open bigger and better than before, which they did last month. Also quite unfortunately, they managed to salvage the goddamn hippo that you see pictured above. I still have scars on my head from stumbling into it countless times while onstage.

This will be also our first time to play period since last Halloween, marking the longest gap we've had since I can remember. It occured to me the other day that in a few years, we'll be celebrating our (gulp) 20th anniversary of performing together. It was 23 years ago that I met Beau and Jondie at summer camp and formed the bond that would lead to Three Hour Tour years later in college with my even older friend, David. Below is the first known photo of me performing publicly, which happened to be at camp with Beau beating on a couple of chlorine cans. For the record, we were 15 years-old and played a stirring rendition of "Blister In The Sun". Cheers.

Beckham

For months we've been inundated with the hype over David Beckham coming to America to play in whatever professional soccer league we have here(I honestly don't know). Personally, I've about had it with the David Beckham hype as well as the incessant rallying cry this overrated sport. Does anyone really expect for Beckham to break soccer wide open in this country? I hardly think so. After all, Pele couldn't do it, and he was one of the most recognizable athletes of the 70's. I'm of the majority opinion that soccer is about as exciting as watching cars rust. While I admire and respect the athletic ability of these players, I also admire the ability of trapeeze artists and curlers. That doesn't mean that I want to participate in or watch them on television. Peace out.

Beatallica

Spinal Tap said it best: "There's a fine line between stupid...and clever."

Someone sent me a link to a band called Beatallica, who play Beatles songs with Metallica riffs and attitude. I'm usually pretty apprehensive about parody bands. And upon first reading about these guys, I leaned toward stupid. Then I listened to the tracks- now I'm thinking clever. The singer (Jaymz Lennfield) sounds EXACTLY like James Hetfield. And the songs and album covers are pretty crative as well. I'd like to see them live to get the full effect. Anyway, check these out:

The Man

I've been listening to a lot of Nick Lowe lately, especially his latest, At My Age. Nick was once a power pop songwriting master who wrote smart, catchy tunes like "Cruel To Be Kind" and "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love And Understanding". In the late '90s, he re-invented himself with a low-key, crooning style that mixes a country/R&B/Stax/Tijuana brass sound with extremely clever lyrics to create an aural melting pot. Upon first listen, it was immediately familiar yet unlike anything I've ever heard. And it's bloody brilliant and cool. Fellow music lovers- do check it out if you have a chance. His other albums in this style include The Impossible Bird, Dig My Mood, The Convincer and a live album called Untouched Takeaway.

Goobers Of The Century (so far) and the (Re) Birth of Outlaw Country

Don't ask me how I stumbled upon these trailblazers of the neo-outlaw movement. Is it just me or are there outlaw country/southern rock bands everywhere now? These guys look like the biggest rubes on the circuit. Oh Lord, how did it come to this?

I remember well the day 14 years ago that my buddy Allen approached me one night at The Booth about joining an "outlaw country" band he was forming with my former Orphan idols. At the time, I didn't know WTF outlaw country was and I really didn't expect it to have any effect whatsoever on the music listening public. In fact, I thought Al was a few cards short of a full deck. However, that was the beginning of my whoredom, so I said "Sure, what the hell."

We practiced the songs for nearly a year before our first gig, which was a random night at The Booth in T-town. We sauntered onto the stage, tuned up and looked at each other thinking "What the hell are we getting ourselves into?" While learning the songs, we had never discussed any type of stage show or onstage banter, so there was an awkward moment when we just stood there looking like deer staring at headlights. And believe me, no one and I mean NO ONE was playing anything remotely similar to this stuff. Suddenly, a voice BOOMED into the mic. "HOWDY PEOPLE! HOW THE HELL ARE YA DOIN'? MAKE SOME FUCKIN' NOISE!!" Without warning, at 120 decibels, Shun Jennings was born. And with that, a once dying genre was reborn as well.

Lo and behold, people ate that shit up and for the next 6 years, I immersed myself in a new/old style of music that I had never dared or cared to listen to. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but The Inlaws were at least 5 years ahead of our time. And apparently, we got out at just the right time. Before the term "alt-country" was coined. Before the onslaught of copycats. Before tools like Tumbleweed Junction took over and ruined a good thing.

The Two Most Annoying Sentences In The English Language

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Did I Miss Something?

When did Bon Jovi achieve iconic status and why do they deserve such high regard? I saw them on the "new" MTV Unplugged and it made me want to barf. The show began with a bevy of entertainers praising them for their genius, as if they were Aerosmith. Then they opened with a low key yet anthemic version of "Livin' On A Prayer" complete with a string section. They continued with a loungy, Sinatra-esque version of "You Give Love A Bad Name". WTF? Now granted, there are plenty of guilty pleasures that permeate the landscape of my iTunes library, several Bon Jovi songs included. And the Discovery Channel has made good use of "Wanted Dead or Alive" by including it as the theme song for Deadliest Catch. But to me, these guys will always be just another 80's hair band who wrote some catchy ( albeit cheesy) songs, and have happened to sustain a lengthy shelf life. And they've really seemed to have parlayed the whole Jersey thing into a Springsteen-like workingman vibe. I wonder if they'd be where they are now had they been from Dover, Delaware instead of Jersey. And what's up with the keyboardist's hair? Dude, the Chia pet has been out for years now.

Attention Whore

What has happened to us as a species? Some local dude named Jeremy Harper is counting to a million from his apartment live on the internet, and he's not leaving home until he's done. So far, he's at 130,000 and it's going to take him 3-4 months to finish. He's trying to raise money for Push America, which helps people with disabilities. Frankly, that doesn't make any difference to me. While I sometimes can admire creative laziness (my buddy The Cuda being a prime example of this particular type of genius), this guy is simply a lazy ass attention whore.

I Couldn't Agree More

'You're Beautiful' Voted Most Irritating Song Ever

06/25/2007 6:00 PM, Yahoo! Music

James Blunt's multimillion-selling ballad "You’re Beautiful" has been voted the most irritating song of all time.

Despite reaching number one in 11 countries and making the singer a star around the world, the track polled more votes than "Axel F" by Crazy Frog.

Other tracks in the top 10 included "Mmm Bop" by Hanson, "Mr. Blobby" by Mr. Blobby, and "The Birdie Song" by the Tweets.

Reported by London's The Sun newspaper, John Sewell of market researcher company www.onepoll.com said the result was a surprise.

He added: James Blunt isn’t the obvious choice, but any song that is at number one for so long does start to get annoying."

"You're Beautiful" was number one for five weeks in the U.K. in 2005.

The full top 10 for OnePoll's Most Irritating Song of All Time is as follows:

1. "You’re Beautiful" - James Blunt
2. "Axel F" - Crazy Frog
3. "MMMBop" - Hanson
4. "Mr. Blobby" - Mr. Blobby
5. "Birdie Song" - The Tweets
6. "Shout" - Lulu
7. "Agadoo" - Black Lace
8. "Grace Kelly" - Mika
9. "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
10. "Macarena" - Los Del Rio

This is pretty dead on, although I've never heard six of those songs on the list. I first made my thoughts known about James Blunt in '05, when I saw him perform on SNL.

Still Making Us Proud

The sun will rise, the seasons will change and Alabamians will continue to find ways to make the rest of us state citizens proud:

Trees Killed Near UA Football Stadium

The Associated Press

TUSCALOOSA -- Authorities suspect someone intentionally killed a row of live oak trees that stood between Bryant-Denny Stadium and a new luxury condominium development aimed at attracting University of Alabama fans as buyers.

Four live oaks on city property along 12th Street next to Evergreen Cemetery began dying about a year ago. A groundskeeper discovered holes drilled near the base of the trees, and city officials suspect the trees may have been poisoned.

The trees stand between The Legends, a new condominium development with prices starting around $360,000, and the university's football stadium. The condos' balconies face the stadium.

Police have not named any suspects. But Lt. Clay Gibbs said investigators have taken samples of the holes that were drilled in the trees and plan to have them analyzed to determine what, if anything, was used to kill the trees.

Killing the trees could either be a misdemeanor or a felony crime depending on their value. If the trees were worth at least $2,500, the crime could be classified felony criminal mischief, which is punishable by as long as 10 years in prison, said Glenda Gamble, the city attorney.

University alumnus Jon Drake, 58, said he would pay $5,000 for information that leads to someone spending at least three years in prison.

"I just think it's horrible," Drake said. "I think something ought to be done; some effort ought to be made to find out who did it."

Gamble said it is unlikely anyone convicted of killing the trees would serve three years in jail.

Drake said he also was willing to start a fund to replace the dead trees with the largest possible live oaks that can be planted along the road.

"You can't replace trees," Drake said. "It's greed and selfishness that set me off, that someone would come in and do that. It's a selfish and self-absorbed act."

The Dark Side

Played a solo gig last night and it went okay. Once I finished packing my shit and loaded it out, it was 1:15. I considered my options. I could’ve gone home (Tatooine) and gotten a decent night’s sleep, but I decided to see if my friend Jyl was working at The Garage (Alderaan) and have one more beer. She was off last night and it was emptying out (“The coordinates say Alderaan but it ain’t there”), so I got back in my car and drove down the street. Just around the corner, I saw the bright sign through the trees and there it was – The Nick a.k.a. the Death Star (“That’s no moon…it’s a space station”). Like the Death Star, The Nick represents the dark side of the force. Also like the Death Star, that place has a tractor beam- once it has a hold of you, there’s no escape.

Inside, The Nick really is more like the Cantina at Mos Eisley spaceport, complete with characters that you just never seem to catch a glimpse of during normal daylight hours (“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy- we must be cautious”). I walked in and immediately saw my buddy Allen behind the soundboard. The band finished a song and said “Goodnight”. Cool. Since I didn’t see anyone else I knew, I figured I could just hang with Al for a little while. After all, it was now 1:45. Wrong. It’s The Nick, so naturally there was another band coming on at 2:00.

I sauntered up to the bar. It was nearly 2:00, I’d only had 4 or 5 beers and I was pretty sober, so it was best that I stick to just drinking beer. “I’ll have an Absolut and water with a lime, please.” The force is strong at that place.

I watched the band from the soundboard and they were actually really good. They were a band from San Diego called Dirty Sweet. These guys were really going after that Black Crowes-ish 70’s vibe. In fact, I felt like I was watching a scene out of Almost Famous with Stillwater. Meanwhile, I kept mindlessly walking back to the bar and ordering more drinks (“We don't need to see his identification- these aren't the droids we're looking for”).

The next thing I knew, it was 3:45 and I’d had four vodka drinks. Somehow, I was able to make myself leave. Getting out of there at 3:45 is actually an accomplishment- the last time I was there I didn’t leave until 5:30. So I crawled into the Corolla (“She may not look like much but she's got it where it counts, kid- I've made a lot of special modifications myself”) and drove back to Tatooine.

Spankfully Soft

Leave it to VH-1 to hijack my brain with one of their nonsensical lists of distraction. The latest show is "The 40 Most Softsational Soft Rock Songs", which I saw last weekend. This is similar to a list that I touched on recently while on a dental office visit. Embarrassingly enough, I sometimes get on soft rock kicks. In fact, at one time I actually formed an acoustic group called Intellectual Cheese that was going to perform acoustic versions of soft rock classics but alas, we never made it past one practice. So for your vomiting pleasure, here are my 15 favorite Soft Rock songs listed alphabetically by artist (I'm going off my Soft Rock iPod playlist):

1. 10CC - I'm Not In Love
I can't decide when I popped my first boner- the sight of Cher's shiny, tan bare shoulders on The Sonny & Cher show or when I first heard the soft whisper of the randy chick in the middle of this song.

2. Lost In Love - Air Supply
My band The Uptown Rulers once played this song at Oak Hill when we were dog tired thinking that it would surely run off the late night crowd. We regrettably miscalculated the results - the fucking crowd ate it up and actually danced.

3. Time Passages - Al Stewart
The nasally British voice of Al Stewart has always been oh so soothing to me. I love the passive aggressiveness of the drums at the ending fadeout.

4. You're The Only Woman - Ambrosia
What a perfect name for a soft rock band. David Pack rivals David Gates as the king of soft rock melodies.

5. Lonely Boy - Andrew Gold
Lyrically, this song is just downright peculiar. One of the few tunes which has a beat and counter melody that baffles me to this day.

6. Too Much Heaven - The Bee Gees
My friend David and I used to be able to accurately mock this entire song in falsetto. We could also sing all the parts in "We Are The World". Good Lord we were/are dorks.

7. Into The Night - Benny Mardones
This guy actually had a hit TWICE with this song. He had the balls to re-record and re-release this piece of crap several years after it hit the first time. I love the way he moans achingly during the fadeout. How creepy is it that he's singing about a 16 year-old? He's also one ugly dude.

8. Superstar - The Carpenters
Only Karen Carpenter could get away with singing such dumb lyrics. The scene in Tommy Boy when Farley and Spade tearfully sing along to this classic is priceless.

9. Baby What A Big Surprise - Chicago
I got 50 stitches in my leg during a Halloween accident in second grade and my dad bought me the Chicago XI record while I was laid up. I love this album, as it contains this song, which is one of my all-time guilty pleasures.

10. Christopher Cross - The entire first album
My dad was addicted to this album and took me to see CC at Samford University for my second concert ever. Simply the greatest soft rock album ever.

11. Leader Of The Band - Dan Fogelberg
What a compelling story this song describes. Dan's breathy vocal delivery always tugged at my heart strings.

12. If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
Gordo brought game with this classic, although I didn't know what the hell he was talking about at the time.

13. Hot Rod Hearts - Robbie Dupree
Talk about "where are they now". What the hell ever happened to this guy? This song contains one of the gayest lines ever: "Two lips touchin together - Cheek to cheek, sweatshirt to sweater."

14. Escape - Rupert Holmes
This song was an inescapable hit in 1979. Talk about brain hijack- try getting this bitch out of your head once it gets in.

15. Magnet And Steel - Walter Egan
Gay title, gay song. But God, I love it. The background vocals of Stevie Nicks and Linda Ronstadt combined with the toy piano counter melody arpeggio is a magnet in of itself.

Got Crabs?

While vacationing at the beach recently, I came across the show Deadliest Catch on the Discovery channel. What an amazing discovery this was indeed. This show is a fascinating glimpse into the world of Alaskan King Crab fishing and the dangers involved with this grueling profession. Not only do these guys work in zero degree winds of up to 50 mph, they have to make sure not to get swept off the deck by 20 foot swells. If that happens, you're basically a goner. In other words, as the premise of this show appears to convey, pretty much any other job one could possibly have is for pussies. My favorite captain is Sig Hansen of the Northwestern, who is pictured above. I also like Phil of the Cornelia Marie, especially when he dog cusses his own greenhorn son for being a boneheaded jackass.

Yawn

Although I'm not an avid golfer or golf fan, I do like to watch the final round of a major on a Sunday. While it's usually compelling drama, it more importantly gives me an excuse to park my ass on the couch for an afternoon. However, in recent years it seems that the PGA, USGA and old codgers at Augusta have gone to great lengths to make each course and/or tournament impossible for any mortal human to score under par, much less a world class pro. Last weekend's U.S. Open was no different. As a casual observer, I enjoy aggressive play and courses that are difficult yet playable. I want to see guys go for birdies, not struggle to shoot bogeys and pars. And I certainly don't want to see a winning score of +5 for the fucking tournament! It's boring. All these golf officials are doing is making pros look like schmos. If I want to see guys grind it towards the hole and stroke balls in the deep rough, I'll rent Granny Bangers. Peace out.

When Reds Get Riled Up

Ah, what an uproariously hilarious turn of events. Fans of Dale Earnhardt Jr. worldwide are up in arms, actually just plain freaking out, over the announcement that Joonya will be joining Team Hendricks in 2008. I can't tell you how friggin' comical this is playing down here in cradle of the confederacy. These are the same fans who made us proud back in April at the spring 'Dega race. The thought of being on the same team as Jeff Gordon has sent Joonya fans into full-fledged panic mode. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert. Good times continue...

But At Least I "Smeel Mainly"

Well, the beast is finally dead and removed from my body completely. The little bastard didn't make it easy, however. They ended up having to drill a small hole in the bone surrounding my eye socket to get it all out. That little bitch was trying to run away! So now my right eye lid is swollen shut and I look absolutely lovely. Needless to say, I look like Rocky Balboa after going a few rounds with Apollo Creed.