Out of Touch

I got the new Rolling Stone year-end issue the other day and while flipping through it, I realized just how old and out of touch I am with current artists. Either that, or most new music sucks ass (probably a little of both). In the Top 100 songs of 2006 category, I counted exactly 7 songs that I had actually heard. That's right- 7. In the category of Top 50 albums of 2006, my percentage was slightly better. I own 6 of the 50 they listed. I'm gonna go listen to some Rodrigo y Gabriella. Word.

I Am Officially The Worst Gift Wrapper...Ever.

I spent last night attempting to wrap my Christmas presents with sad/hilarious results. Gift-wrapping is something that has been beyond my understanding all of my life. I wrap about as good as I rap, which is quite horrible. Honestly, I can't for the life of me wrap a simple Goddamn present. They usually end up looking like something that Martha Stewart would vomit after a few too many glasses of spiked egg nog - basically an ugly mess of paper and tape in glorious holiday colors. People have tried to teach me and it's pointless. I've tried and tried but unfortunately, gift-wrapping is on a level of coordination that apparently is out of my reach.

Rosie vs. Donald

By now, I'm sure most of you heard about the feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. To sum up the events thus far- Donald decided to give his skanky little Miss USA a second chance and Rosie went off on him on The View for acting as a "moral compass". And now it's continuing to escalate into an all-out brawl through the media. I haven't talked to anyone who gives a rip what either of these attention whores has to say. Personally, I think both of them are full of shit and I wish they would take heed of the friendly soldier's message that's pictured above.

My Top Ten of 2006

For any of you who give a rat's ass, here's my Top Ten list of albums for 2006:

1. The Beatles - Love
George Martin and his son have taken the original Beatle master tapes and created a mish-mashterpiece.

2. Hem - Funnel Cloud
My new favorite band's latest was an instant classic.

3. Daniel Tashian - The Lovetest
Nashville's Daniel Tashian is my new favorite crazy bastard (i.e. Ryan Adams) of a songwriter. This infectious album wasn't even officially released - it was made available on Tashian's blog page.

4. Lindsey Buckingham - Under The Skin
The genius turned finiished this one in a shade under a decade, and it was worth the wait.

5. Teddy Thompson - Separate Ways
The son of Richard and Linda Thompson has proven that he has the goods. Great voice, great songs.

6. Hem - No Word From Tom
A collection of unreleased songs, live tracks and covers, including Radiation Vibe by Fountains of Wayne and So. Central Rain by R.E.M.

7. The Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
Yes, I admit that I love this album. It's not even country- it's more along the lines of 70's California pop.

8. Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
The Rilo Kiley singer's first solo album is excellent, with some help from the harmonically angelic voices of the Watson Twins.

9. The Bees - High Society
Daniel Tashian's (see #3) current band's sophmore release, which is even better than the first.

10. Garrison Starr - The Sound of You and Me
This was my first introduction to Garrison Starr, who's been around for awhile. I feel her pain.

Enough.

There have been some new revelations this week regarding the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend - something about a murder conspiracy, US gov't wiretaps, blah blah blah. Look, it was a tragedy and I hate that both families had to go through something this horrible. But Jesus, it's been 10 years! Why are people still consumed with this story? It's over - can we please move on? I'm done.

Holy Actual Retail Price!

Bob Barker turns 83 friggin' years old today. I had no idea Bob was that ancient, although I guess it makes cents (heehee-get it?) considering how long that codger has been on the air. And he's still going strong, too. Bob's gonna keep hosting The Price Is Right until he literally drops dead during a taping. Some young stud is gonna give that number wheel such a strong yank that the gust of air caused by the wheel's spin will simply knock Bob off his feet and onto death's doorstep, which is exactly the way you know he wants to go. And you just know that dude has banged every model that has come and gone on that show, too. In fact, my earliest boy crushes were on Janet and Diane. Damn those were some hot dames. Kudos to you Bob-O, and Happy Birthday!

Chillin'

I've been listening to a lot of 70's rock lately, enjoying the relaxed feel of that mellow production that you never hear anymore thanks to digital technology. There's something about that warm, analog sound and dry snare drum thud that makes me all tingly inside. Nothing about modern studio/computer engineering comes close. Today's production is too slick and sterile for me to conjure up any kind of feeling about the music, not to mention the lack of overall songcraft these days. Ah, a hammock, a cold beer and the smooth sounds Boston and The Eagles sounds pretty good right now...

The PBA

Every Sunday at noon, while other networks are kicking off their NFL games, ESPN goes into full-blown PBA coverage. For the misinformed out there, PBA stands for Professional Bowling (or Bowlers, I don't know and don't care) Association. Lately, professional bowling has experienced a rebirth in popularity, as evidenced by the crowds who attend these televised events in such towns as Molar Crack, OH and yes, Birmingham, AL.
Now I don't have a problem with recreational bowling. Drinking pitchers and rolling big heavy gutter balls can be quite fun on occasion. What I don't understand is how or why anyone would watch the pros do it on TV. They pretty much place the ball where they want and bowl a strike or at least a spare EVERY time. That's hardly enough drama to compel me to watch. Even PGA golfers fuck up from time to time. It's like mastering your favorite video game. Once you've gone as far as you can go, it gets boring and you move on to the next one. Also, these guys are some of the biggest tools you'll ever see. With their tight clothing and their manly mustaches, these guys could definitely pass for motorcycle cops if they wore blue and had mirrored sunglasses on. If someone could explain the PBA phenomenon to me, I'm all ears.

Rumors

The coaching saga at Bama has reached laughable proportions, and I'm not even talking about the bumbling idiots who run the program. I'm talking about the ridiculous speculation and rampant rumor mongers who are taking over the internet and radio airwaves. The comments range from people with "reliable sources" to absurd sightings of coaches and private jets. Here are some recent examples of the hilarity that has ensued:

"I have a friend whose wife shops at the same grocery store as Jerri Spurrier and says that she was seen wearing a crimson red shirt on Sunday."

"A friend of mine just contacted me with some news. not sure how to take it though, but his fiance works for FOX 6 here in birmingham and she said that they had a story that they are breaking tomorrow. according to her a player from UA reported that the team meeting tonight is to announce that Steve Spurrier will be the next head coach at the University of Alabama. like i said i have heard and read so much that im not sure how true this is but she works at Fox so im sure its pretty reliable."

"I have a very reliable source (lifeguard at the Rec Pool) that said he saw Spurrier coming down the waterslide at the UA Rec Pool today. Like I said VERY RELIABLE SOURCE. He was there. I know the pool was closed, but that is why spurrier was there. He had on a crimson speedo with a white A across the back. His wife was also there in a 1 piece thong swimsuit. Just passing along this info for the readers."

and my personal favorite:

"I live here in TN actually just over an Hour from knoxville and let me tell you the great pumpkin wouldnt curl up in someones arms no no he would run down to Krispy Cream doughnuts and eat the entire damn store. I hate the F'in vols and everything about them. If it was up to me we would put fatty phil and but humpin tommy on a plane to calli and let them just hump eachother all day with pet carrol, now that would be a coaching staff."

"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart. And in our own despair, and against our will, comes Wisdom by the awful Grace of God". -Aeschylus

What's The Deal?

Last night I was channel surfing and came across Howie Mandel doing a 10 minute segment on the Leno show playing Deal or No Deal with the mostly military audience. You could almost see the steam coming out of Jay's ears as he helplessly watched Howie hijack his show with his ludicrous concept of a game show (I didn't mind, of course, because I can't stand Leno). And you could see in Howie's eyes that he thinks he's sitting on top of the world with his comeback success.

What is the deal with Deal or No Deal? This is the dumbest idea for a game show since, well, Let's Make A Deal. This was a show in which contestants/audience members dressed in ridiculous costumes, as if they didn't look or act stupid enough. In fact, most game show concepts and contestants are examples of the overall dumbing down of our society as a whole. Now don't get me wrong- I grew up watching a lot of these shows and still find pleasure in the occasional viewing of Jeopardy. But at least with Jeopardy you're required to have a functioning cranium in order to enjoy it. Hell, even The Price Is Right requires some knowledge of the retail pricing of everyday consumer products.

So enjoy it while it lasts, Howie. Because a year from now when your ratings have turned to shit and the collective flock of idiot TV viewers has moved on to the next lame show, NBC will punt your ass to the curb in a heartbeat. Then you can go back to entertaining 12 people a night at The Comedy Pouch in Possum Ridge, Arkansas with your hilarious rubber-glove-on-the-head stand-up routine.

Happy Turkey Day!

The Auburn Game

Well, it's all come down to a one game season for the Tide. Just one win, baby. That's all I'm asking for. For once, Dear Lord, let us beat someone we're not supposed to beat. Just one. Please.

Let Us All Join Together

From saveaumajorettes.com:

The Auburn University Majorettes have a long and proud heritage that has been a true joy to the Auburn faithful. The Majorettes have always led the band at football games, pep rallies, parades and on other special occasions. They are truly an Auburn Institution.

The Majorettes will not be leading the band much longer. The Majorettes are being integrated into a group along with the flag line and pom pom/kickline dancers who were added last year. In an effort to minimize the alumni outcry, the plan is being phased in. The stated plan for next year is for all uniforms to be the same, and all shoes to be the same (no more white boots). Only four majorettes are marching in front of the band, with the other four marching in the back. At pep rallies and in the stands, the majorettes only use pom poms (not their batons) and are grouped with the flag line and dancers, not being allowed to have their own identity.

Thank you for your help in saving this beloved Auburn tradition, and in preserving their great legacy.

Ding Dong, The Madness is Over

I went to exercise my Constitutional right to vote this morning and continued on to work while listening to the pleasant sounds of Music From Big Pink by The Band. I'm just happy not to not be forced to suffer through any more mud-slinging TV and radio ads. Although I shouldn't be surprised, it seems that these campaigns become more and more childish the older I get. I think they should be forced to wrestle rather than record television spots - it'd be a hell of a lot more entertaining.

Did You Know...

Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams have the same birthday, which happened to be yesterday (November 5th). This is very interesting, especially considering how much Ryan just LOVES being compared to Bryan.

Observation of the Week

From Hollywood Elsewhere's Jeffrey Wells:

"Does raunchy, power-chord rock music kick and wail no matter how old the performers, the audience and the guy shooting the concert documentary are? Screw the calendar -- rock is a state of mind. But there's something creepy about grey-haired, turkey-necked, pot-bellied rock musicians getting down on-stage with a sea of AARP fans stompin' and hootin' and whatnot. There's something just 'not right' about this.

Part of the solution (and I know this sounds shallow) lies in dieting, daily workouts, hair dyes and face-lifts. You've got to try and look the part of a rocker or a rock- music fan, and by that I mean a person who doesn't look too sedate or retiring or anesthetized by too much wealth or food. Someone with a passing acquaintance with the biological vitality of life...who takes walks, gets around, owns a bicy- cle and is out there plugging, etc. Someone who doesn't look like an escapee from a managed-care facility.

The only older rocker who hasn't creeped me out is Mick Jagger, who was fantastic when he gave a brief live show at L.A.'s El Rey theatre in '01 -- rail-thin and dark-haired and throttling the entire room with the energy of a 20 year-old. (His performance of "God Gave Me Everything (I Want)" was legendary.) I'm asking this because a few days ago Martin Scorsese, 64, shot a Rolling Stones concert at Manhattan's Beacon Theatre with Jagger, 63 and Keith Richards, 62, blasting away and Bill Clinton, celebrating his 60th birthday, hootin' and yellin' in the orchestra.

Bottom line: rock out in the privacy of your own home (or inside your IPod earphones) until you're dead, but rock is a young person's game and there's just something not cool about rocking out in public if you don't exude at least a semblance of the elan of youth. I think that's putting it fairly...no? Roger Daltry, cool. David Crosby...liposuction."

It's Time

With Bama football continuing to be a source of confusion and frustration, it's time to turn our attention to basketball. I'm one of those rare people who is just as much of a Tide basketball fan as a football fan. I've been attending b-ball games with my dad since I was a kid, and this is as excited as I've been in a long time about our team's chances for a special season.

And while we're on the subject, Ronald Steele is slowly but surely becoming my favorite Bama B-ball player of all-time (a list that includes Mule King, Leon Douglas, Buck Johnson, Mike Davis, Terry Coner, Derrick McKey, Ennis Whatley, Jim Farmer, Roy Rogers and Erwin Dudley). He's the most dependable player we've ever had and is ranked by some polls as the #1 point guard in the country. It's showtime baby!

Happy Halloween!

(**Title has been censored by Michael Adams and J. Bernard Machen)

When Georgia plays Florida this weekend in their annual showdown in Jacksonville, a longstanding tradition will be skewered thanks to a couple of self-righteous douchebags- specifically University of Georgia President Michael Adams (pictured above) and University of Florida President J. Bernard Machen (could that name be any snootier?).

These two schmucks have decided that the CBS commentators cannot refer to the game on the air as "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" after an alcohol-related death at last year's game. So is this BS PC decision going to change anything? I hardly think so, especially when CBS goes to commercial during timeouts with countless beer advertisements. People don't die alcohol-related deaths because of the name of a friggin' football game- they die because of their own or someone else's irresponsibility. Chalk up another victory for political correctness.

Rush Limbaugh is an Insensitive Prick

Recently, a 30-second spot featuring Michael J. Fox has begun airing in Missouri. The spot is a paid political ad for Missouri Senate Challenger Claire McCaskill. Fox, who suffers from Parkinson’s disease, is speaking for McCaskill, who supports stem-cell research. He shakes throughout the spot, a condition that is associated with the disease.

Responding to Michael J.Fox’s appearance in the commercial, radio host Rush Limbaugh said, “He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act. If this was not an act, then I apologize.”

Go fuck yourself, Rush. Were you born without feelings or a conscience? You're despicable.

It's All Starting to Make Sense Now...

BAMA NOTES
(from Tidesports.com)

-Terrence Jones missed practice Tuesday with what Shula called a cold.

Are you friggin' kidding me?

-Alabama offensive coordinator Dave Rader tried to clarify why backup running back Jimmy Johns carried just three times in last Saturday’s loss to Tennessee despite averaging 12.3 yards per carry. The sophomore running back missed a lot of practice time last week recovering from a high ankle injury suffered the week before against Ole Miss.

“We made the right decision," Rader said. “We’re not going to jeopardize the whole season so he can play five more plays, six more plays."

HUH?!? Dude, the season was already in peril before the Tennessee game and is now officially "jeopardized" after losing it. Either he can play or he can't play. Don't shovel us this shit after the fact.

Battle of the Bands

Because I had nothing else better to do and because my dorky ass has become addicted to Two-A-Days,I decided to go to the Hoover HS football game vs. Homewood Friday night. This was actually the first high school football game I've attended since I was in high school myself. Back then, I couldn't have given two shits about what was happening on the field- I was just there to socialize and hit on girls. This time, however, I watched the game intently and saw some exciting football (unlike the Tide's performance the next day).

That being said, I don't think I'll be going to another HS football game anytime soon. In college football (at least in the SEC), the marching bands are not allowed to perform during plays. They can perform briefly between plays and during timeouts, but that's it. Unfortunately, this rule has not been put into effect during high school games. Both bands went at it nonstop during the entire fucking game, sometimes simultaneously. Not only that, they played the same damn songs over and over. If I hear Iron Man or the ESPN theme one more time, I'm going to puke (which I actually did do yesterday, but that's a different story). It was distracting and annoying, and totally sucked the enjoyment out of watching the game. Maybe I'll copy/paste this rant and send it along to the AHSAA. Not that it would do any good.

A Real Quandary

Gene Simmons will soon be making an appearance at a local Parisian's to promote his new male fragrance (that's pretty gross when you think about it). What an interesting scenario that this presents. Of all places to meet The Demon - Parisian's?!?

The first record I ever bought with my own money was Destroyer by Kiss when I was 7 years old. While most boys grew up wanting to be a fireman, policeman or superhero, I wanted to be Gene Simmons. I don't remember how in the world I got into Kiss at such a young age but I was obsessed with them and their music, even though I couldn't have been more clueless as to what they were singing about. I remember having no idea what Cold Gin was, thinking that Christine Sixteen was really old, Plaster Caster was about a cast on someone's arm, and Love Gun was about a real gun. The song Great Expections was classical music for all I knew while the lyrics flew right over my head -

"You watch me playing guitar,
You feel what my fingers can do
And you wish you were the one I was doing it to."

So you see how big of a deal it would be if I ever had the chance to meet Gene Simmons. Or would it? I gotta be honest - I wasn't all that excited when I heard the news of him coming here. I guess I had always envisioned meeting him after a show when he's dripping sweat and fake blood. He's gonna be standing there at a perfume counter for Chrissakes. How rock n' roll is that? I might as well be going to meet The Wiggles. And God knows what kind of crowd I'd have to fight through just to see him. So do I go or not? I'm really confused about what to do. Stay tuned.

Lindsey Buckingham Rules

Lindsey Buckingham is the coolest mofo in rock n' roll on top of being a friggin' genius. Here's a guy who at one time reached a level of commercial success that is unfathomable yet decided to flush it away for the sake of his art. Instead of recording "Rumours II" in 1979, he talked his Fleetwood Mac bandmates into bucking musical trends and taking artistic risks on their next album, Tusk. Since then, he's been in and out of the spotlight (with F. Mac and solo) while working on his music on his own terms.

And now he's put out one of his signature weird albums, Under The Skin, that sucks you in like a crack addiction. I say weird because it is. His voice and his recording technique take some effort to get used to and it's certainly not for everyone, especially considering that almost every song on this album are comprised of multiple tracks of his guitar and voice only. Upon first listen, I quickly discounted this album. But like all my favorites, I kept listening until it washed over me like a warm golden shower (not that I've ever had one, of course- I'm just perversely speculating here). His songs have always been there- he's simply chosen to strip them apart and rebuild them, just as REM has done on their last few records. What he's done here (and he's always done) takes nerve and takes balls. That's why he remains one of the most respected and talented musicians on the planet. Gung ho my friend.

What a Classy University

Eight Univ. of Miami players have been suspended for their roles in a fight Saturday night between the Hurricanes and Florida Int'l (they had around the same # of players suspended). Eight?!? Are you kidding me? From what I saw, the whole teams were involved in this footbrawl. [UPDATE- The official number of players suspended is FIU-18 and Miami-13, which is still not enough if you ask me] This was the most disgraceful and pathetic display I've ever seen on a field of play in any sport. As I've touched on before here, the Miami Hurricanes are a bunch of classless thugs with no regard whatsoever to class or sportsmanship.

And now I hear that former Miami receiver Lamar Thomas, who's now a color analyst for Miami football broadcasts, was apparently cheering his team on during the slugfest and actually suggested that the players meet in the parking lot after the game - all of this while on the air. Wow. I realize the Tide isn't perfect - we had three personal foul calls against Ole Miss on Saturday - but I can't imagine any team that would stoop to the level of classlessness that Miami continues to wallow in year after year. If the NCAA wants to make a statement, they should shut down these two programs for the remainder of the season.

Where Have You Gone, Michael Myers?

Having grown up during the classic slasher era in cinema, I've become increasingly disappointed in the horror genre of films in recent years. When I was a kid, I remember my dad and me telling my mom we were going to see the latest Herbie movie only to leave the house and head straight for a showing of Halloween, Prom Night, Friday the 13th or any number of other classic slasher flicks. We loved them and still do. But these days, young filmakers just don't get it. These bozos get so caught up in shock value and boring CG effects that they miss the whole point, which is to scare the bejeezus out of kids in a movie theater. Just because the fancy special effects are available doesn't mean that they're required. Personally, John Carpenter's clinky piano scores have a much greater effect than watching the Saw clown cutting off someone's testicles- but that's just me.

When Film Meets Jazz

I saw The Departed last night. This is Marty Scorsese's new film (I can call him 'Marty' because Bob Deniro calls him that, and yes I just called him 'Bob') about lies and infiltration among Boston's underground world of organized crime. It's classic Scorsese- his best since Goodfellas. The acting is unbelievable and each player knocked his or her performance out of the park- Jack is, well, Jack; Leo (yes, Leo) is on the verge of cracking throughout the entire movie and is the best I've ever seen him; Matt Damon is wonderful in his lying prick role; Alec Baldwin is fucking on and remains one of my all-time favorite underrated actors; Mark Wahlberg is like a machine gun on crank. It's one of the rare films that plays out like a jazz performance, each scene and character riffing off another with shades of brilliance. Check it out if you have a couple-a hours to kill.

Turtle Love

I saw a turtle at the zoo the other day and he had pulled himself up on his hind legs against a rock. I then realized that he wasn't leaning on a rock at all - he was mounting another turtle. I wonder how long a turtle make-out session would last anyway. His shell thrusts were so slow that you could barely tell he was moving. But that little guy seemed to be enjoying himself. Go turtles!

Hem = Perfect

Anyone who knows me also knows that my musical tastes are all over the map. Depending on my mood, I could easily be rocking out with X, chilling with Burt Bacharach, swinging with Count Basie, twangin' with Hank Thompson, foot tappin' with some Art Blakey, fist pumpin' with Van Halen, drinkin' with the 'Mats, groovin' with some Toto, etc. You get the idea. Hell, I've even performed an interpretive dance routine to A View To A Kill by Duran Duran (albeit I was drunk at the time). Good music- and I mean whatever's good to you personally, seeing as how we all have our own tastes- should be able to elicit some type of emotional or physical response. That being said, there are very few artists or songs that I would describe as "beautiful". It's not that I'm insensitive- I just have high standards for music to qualify as such.

One of these bands is one that I saw last weekend for the third time in the last couple of years. They're called Hem and they're from Brooklyn, although they've built a substantial following here in the 'ham. Their music and melodies combined with the angelic voice of Sally Ellyson floor me everytime I hear them. The most accurate term I can come up with when attempting to describe their sound is "orchestral folk music". I am comfortable enough to admit that I have actually been moved to tears before when listening to a band, but it's only happened twice. One of those times was with Hem (incidentally, the other was Paul McCartney). For any of you who are interested, take a spare moment and check them out on iTunes or another source.

Double Secret Probation

I have officially placed the Tide on my own probation this week. I can't go to the Duke game this weekend and I've decided to totally blow it off anyway and not even watch it or listen to it. I know we've had to be patient these past several years but my patience has run out. I'm sick and tired of having a mediocre football team. I'll be back on board for the Ole Miss game but I just need a week off to re-evaluate my loyalty to this program and reminisce about the good old days.

"This is Bullshit..."

Some idiot suits at a major studio have greenlit a remake of Revenge of the Nerds, an all-time classic. What is with this trend of remaking classic comedies and horror movies? Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, When A Stranger Calls- the list goes on. Is there not one ounce of creativity left in Hollywood? I'm getting sick and tired of this. It's just another pathetic excuse to put some young, up and coming actors a chance to stink up the big screen. It will absolutely 100% suck more than the original. So why waste everyone's time?

Street Wheelies

While we're talking about men and issues I've touched on before, I'd like to discuss something I witnessed today coming back from lunch. I was casually driving down Valley Avenue, a regular street with a 35 mph speed limit, when all of a sudden some dude behind me on one of those high pitched whirring motorcycles flew past me doing a friggin' wheelie! What a fucking tool! How small does your penis have to be to learn this extraordinary trick and perform it on a normal street for all normal humans to laugh at and mock? Do they not realize that's what we're doing when they do this?

Feet

I've brought this up before but I feel it needs furthur discussion and clarification. Unless they're at the beach, men do not need to be wearing flip flops or sandals. Period. What is with guys and their obsession with these types of shoes? Most women take good care of their feet- I don't have a problem with them wearing open-toed footwear. I'm talking to the men here. Men's feet are fugly and not meant to be exposed to the general public. When it comes to foot grooming, men are still Cro-Magnons in the Upper Paleolithic period of the Pleistocene epoch.

The Coolest Fanbase in the World

Clay Aiken's hometown fans came out in full support recently for his new CD release. Look at these losers. It's like a joint meeting between Trekkies and Omega Mu's. Then again, we are talking about Clay Gaykin here. I know what some of you are thinking - "At least he has a fanbase." Touche.

The Bloodletting Has Begun...

Well, Bama took a tough loss and Mike Shula is having a new asshole ripped open by the fans. I don't ever remember there being this much backlash over a Bama coach, and that includes the Dumbose era. He better get his shit together or it's going to boil over very soon. This is shaping up to be one of those seasons where I wish I could just go into hibernation for a few months and wake up when it's over. Sigh.

If Only I Was That Lucky...

Tiger Woods is outraged at an Irish magazine and a tabloid that linked photos of his wife to various pornography sites, and his agent was studying the merits of a lawsuit.

For God's sake why? I think that would be kinda cool if my wife was that hot.

How Dare You, Benedict!

Muslims are upset at the Pope for portraying Islam as a religion tainted by violence. So they protest his remarks by...causing violence. I know it's irony at its base level, but you've got to at least chuckle a little at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 3

1. Martial Arts movies - zzzzz
2. Crocs - those are the gayest shoes I've ever seen
3. Face painters at sporting events
4. Men who wear bowties - there is nothing nerdier
5. Mexican men's fascination with painted flames on their vehicles
6. People who can't seem to fathom how or why you could possibly not care for the music that they like. Fuck you- I don't like it. Why don't you like Lester Young?
6. Blended whiskey
7. Flash Gordon (the movie) - WTF?
8. Drive-thru windows - if there are one or two people in line, fine. But when there are 57 cars wrapped around the building, why the fuck would you get in line and sit there for 20 minutes when you can just run inside and get your food to go in 2 minutes flat?

Autumn

The cool air, the brisk breeze, the changing colors, the smell of burning wood, the banging of football helmets...aaahhhh, my favorite time of year is fast approaching. Fuck springtime - I've always had a soft spot for fall.

This Week In Jazz Appreciation: Art Pepper

"You know, there's honest musicians and dishonest musicians. Let me clarify that: An honest musician, to me, plays with his heart and soul and gives you his all, all the time. And then there's the dishonest musician who plays, and he gives you his all, but not all of the time. It's like a race horse. When Art plays, it's all, all the time. I never heard him lay back at any time, and that, to me, is an honest musician. And there aren't too many of them in the entire world." -Marty Paich

"The lessons of jazz history suggests it is music made best by young men, but Pepper seemed to turn the tables on this truism. Has any saxophonist played with such newfound energy so late in life? His late recordings stand as crowning achievements in Pepper's career. Unlike virtually every other musician, Pepper created his greatest work at the end of his life, long after the glory days of West Coast Jazz had passed." -Ted Gioia

"You couldn't file him in a category. He wasn't L.A. cool, white bop, '50s or '80s, but an impassioned musician with an alto sax and a rhythm section that never completely satisfied him. Despite the facile cliches of the music he mastered, he made you know that, facility and cliches notwithstanding, no one else could ever play like that." -Gary Giddins

Annual Flagfest

The Thugs (Florida State) beat the Thugs (Miami) last night 13-10. Seriously- everytime these two gangs hit the field, they can't seem to get through two consecutive plays without a fucking penalty. I haven't seen anything like that since the Anita Bryant concert.

Finally!

Football season is finally here, and I'm heading to T-town in the morning to get my game on. The humidity is waning and the air is starting to cool off. Damn I love this time of year.

Terror in the Aisles

Today I was at Sam's Club and was carting along minding my own business when I decided to try one of the food samples they were offering near the frozen meats. I approached the older lady who was serving General Tso's chicken and noticed that she had one piece left but was cooking a fresh batch. I reached for the toothpick holding the piece of chicken in place and the lady literally slapped my hand away and said "NO! You wait 'til your're served!" and tossed the piece of chicken into the garbage. I walked away shocked, not believing what had just happened. What the hell was her problem anyway? I promptly found a manager and reported her ass.

What has happened to customer service in this country? Is it just me or am I forced to deal with more and more rude people in the food/grocery industry? You don't have to kiss my ass, but expect to face the consequences when you treat the customer like shit.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 2

1. Decaf. What's the point?
2. Driving in the left lane. You have two choices: go or get out of the way. It's that simple.
3. Hip-hop.
4. Tom Waits. His voice is painful to listen to.
5. The green tea phenomenon.
6. Why most women have at least 15 hair and skin products in their showers.
7. Soccer.

Things I Don't Understand, Part 1

1. Women
2. Men who wear pink shirts
3. Men who wear visors anywhere but on a golf course (and even then it's somewhat questionable)
4. Women
5. Being an Auburn fan.
6. Being a Tennessee fan.
7. Reality television
8. Hunting for sport
9. Some men's fascination with those motorcycles with the high-pitched engines that weave past you at 150 mph on the interstate.
10. Women
11. People who enjoy the harmonica. It gets really old after about 5 minutes.
12. Bloody Mary's. I'm sorry- I just think the whole concept is disgusting.
13. People who laugh at loud while watching the Fandango/Movietickets.com commercials in movie theaters.
14. Men who wear madras shorts
15. Why/how it is possible for me take a shower, shave, get dressed and be ready to go out in less than 30 minutes but women take forfuckingever to shower, dry their hair, put on 7 different makeup appliances, pick out the right outfit, get dressed, check the makeup again for touch-ups, put on jewelry, etc. (this is a variation of #'s 1,4 and 10)

Poor Pluto

A recent decision by MIT spells out certain basic tests that celestial objects will have to meet before they can be considered for admission to the elite cosmic club of planetary inclusion. For now, membership will be restricted to the eight "classical" planets in the solar system: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

Much-maligned Pluto doesn't make the grade under the new rules for a planet: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit." Pluto is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune's.

SONOFABITCH!! All that time I wasted on those fucking planet mobiles I made in elementary school - I'll never get it back.

The End of an Era

Sadly, I found out today that The Booth, a Tuscaloosa landmark of 25 years, will be closing its doors in a few months. The Booth's owner said he was notified Thursday that the building had been sold and that he had until the end of November to vacate. Although a university spokesbitch denied the claim, it's rumored that the U of A is purchasing the building in their continuing plan of "cleaning up" The Strip.

I'm reminded of a story that I heard for the 100th time last night, and each time it gets better. My old band, The Inlaws (from which the photo you see of me in the top right corner was taken), were playing one night many years ago. There were some sorostitutes mingling outside debating amongst themselves whether or not to fork over the outrageous $2 cover charge. As we finished a song and my compatriot, M.P. Nelson, hovered over the doorway from stageright, he noticed these brainiacs outside.

"HEY! You goddamn carpetbaggers need to either come on in or take it up the street to the fuckin' Hound's Tooth!," he exclaimed over the microphone for all of University Boulevard to hear.

Needless to say, the girls stared at him in horror (from either being offeded or horrified-probably both) and walked away in disgust. It was truly a classic moment. I'm going to miss the sights, sounds and smells of that place.